just Alaina Ibrahim

what's past, is past.

2012-01-18T00:51:00.000-08:00

I gave a very long text to Apa a few days ago, apologizing to what I did to him all those years we were together. For all of his pain and tears. Cause it seems to me, even after a year, that karma still lingers around, hunting me down. After me, he is with this girl, Aisha Banjori. And they are still together til today, and that makes them already almost a year. While me, on the other hand, had already been changing bfs for ... I don't know, 6 times ? None is more than 3 to 4 months. I don't know what was wrong with me cause I'm the type of girl who commits wholeheartedly. It's either those guys were jerks, or I was just another crazy drama queen that none can stand. I think both. Hmm.

So I texted Apa, and begged him to forgive me and let it all pass. I just really want to live happily. I am very sorry for what happened between us back then. I was too ego and selfish. Hmm. I guess, he already forgive me cause finally, I'm living the life I dreamed off with Ashore. Yeah still, we have our ups and downs, but heyy, who doesn't ?

Apa, if you're reading this, I just wanna say thank you for forgiving me (if you did) and I'm still very sorry for every pain I've caused you. May you live happily with Aisha. I pray for the best for both of you. And, just so you know, you're still the only one. Thank you.

ngeng.

noob :')

2011-12-19T10:18:00.000-08:00

It has been a month since we were official. So i brought him to see my mom just now. We had dinner together with Liniy and Noreen at Johnny's Timesquare. I have never bring anyone to see my family exp Apa and him. Even Angah and Golo has never seen my family, not that they give a shit but still. It might still too early to say this considering that we are still new, but I think he might be the one. Yada yada laugh all you want peeps, I know I changed bf a lot but it has been a while since I had this feeling. The last time anyone has ever loved me this way was Apa. Now that I found someone who can replace him, I will never repeat the same mistake ever again. I will never let him go. And for that, I will be the best of me. Pray for me yeah ? And for us.

I love you baby :')

ngeng.

We Found Love :')

2011-11-06T12:22:00.000-08:00

" It's like you're screaming, but no one can hear. You almost feel ashamed, that someone can be that important, that without them, you feel like nothing. No one will ever understand how much it hurts. You feel hopeless, like nothing can save you. And when it's over, and it's gone, you almost wish that you could have all that bad stuff back, so that you can have the good. "

- Rihanna, We Found Love

:')

ngeng.

time is cruel.

2011-11-05T01:57:00.001-07:00

Remember when you were little, how you and your favourite cousins were always together, doing evrything and going everywhere holding hands along the way ? Yeahh I still remember. And I miss all that. Of how we used to play Barbie dolls, making a doll's house from boxes during fasting month, how Si Gegurl likes to be suap while makan, and how Si Asa got scolded sebab cubit Nora si jiran sebelah sampai menangis. Haha.

Then, as we enter middle high school, how we always talked about boys, gossiping about those gedik girls in school and how much we love Avril Lavigne so much that we know her every single song and how ridiculous we looked trying to dress up like her. Haha. Those were the days....

As time pass by, I can't believe how things can change in a blink of an eye. Now each of us has our own commitments, have our own life and bfs and cliques. All we ever talked about now is how exhausting life can be, juggling with everything - life, money, college, family, friends and boyfriend. Asa is very dissapointed with her life in Kedah, upset with every people who just won't stop judging every single thing she did. Gegurl, well, family problems. And me, of course, love life thingy. Pffft.

It's funny how things change very fast. We used to play barbie dolls together, having catfight on the table and stuffs. Now, we talk about issues on men, bitches, sex, etc. Oh my God I can't believe we've reached that point where we are talking about not-so-adult stuff. Damn I used to nag them about this dirty things, warning diorang jgn mengada nak melebih2 ke apa. Now, all that has changed. Each of us are referring to each other about do's and dont's - if you know what I mean. Haha. Damn, I have to face the fact that my little sisters are not so little anymore..... :')

In 10 years time, we'll be talking about kids and husbands pulak. How smart my son is, how cute Gegurl's daughter is and how adorable Asa's twins are - and how annoying our husbands can be sometimes. Hahaha. Amin.

love you sisters ;)

ngeng.

i'm not done.

2011-09-25T11:35:00.002-07:00

"I'm done with you"

"End"

2 simple sentence can end it all. No, you don't get to dump me. I will not leave, not yet. Mark my word baby boy. We are over when I say so.

Psst, haven't you heard ? I'm the psycho bitch in town ;)

ngeng.

skeletons from my closet.

2011-08-09T14:45:00.001-07:00

I have this guilt I've been carrying around for quite a while now. Guilt that I wished I never had. Damn if only I can turn back time.

Aku ada seorang kawan. Agak baru kenal jugak laa. Tapi kerana kemesraan masing-masing, kami jadi agak rapat dlm masa yang singkat. Diantara yang lain, aku paling senang dgn dia. Macam2 masalah dan rahsia aku dia tahu. Aku bukan lah orang yang nak ceritakan rahsia melainkan orang tu aku percaya. And this girl, even we're new, but I trust her. I'm a gemini, so yeah I'm a faithful friend. I love her. I always miss her, miss the good times we had. She's like my second ear, other than my other bffs. But there is something that I think she deserves to know. Something I did once upon a time ago. Something that if she knows about it, she'll be devastated ! And I might lose her. I might lose our friendship. That is something I couldn't risk.

But secrets don't hide long. I know one day, she'll finds out. And I really want it to be from me. But I just don't have the guts to tell her. Even the thing that I did was before I met her, still, she'll never look at me the same again. Ohh how can I tell her ? I can't find the right words or the right way to tell ! Serious I feel so fucked up right now ! It was a mistake that I didn't even realised I did it. And now I have to live with that guilt. Damn it I hate this feeling.

Dear friend, I really love you and I appreciate the things we hve. I hope one day, if you find out about this, I really hope you won't hate me. It's ancient history and it was even before I met you. I'm really sorry girl. I really am.

Kalau korang jadi aku, korang akan bagitau tak apa bnd teruk yg korang dh buat kat kawan korang ? Even bnd tu jadi sebelum korang kenal pun lagi ?

ngeng.

i'm better off alone.

2011-08-09T14:45:00.000-07:00

Bila benda-benda mcm ni berlaku, buat aku lagi teringat kat Apa. Maybe memang semua berpunca dari aku. Betul cakap umi. Takde laki yg nak kan perempuan yg kasar and garang. Sayang macam mana pun dia kat aku, tapi dgn perangai aku yg tk macam perempuan ni, siapa boleh tahan ? Aku penat lah nak go through a break up.

I really can't. Seriously.

I thought I didn't love you that much. I only knew I was wrong when we broke up.

Damn it.

ngeng.

pipit dan enggang,

2011-07-10T08:22:00.003-07:00

" kau tak boleh biar mcm tu Bek. Ni aku tgk dh teruk sgt dia maki2 kau "

" aku rasa korang tk lama ni Bek. Kejap je korang ni "

" mcm mana kau boleh dgn die Bek ? Korang jauh beza kot. Social life dia camne, social life kau camne "

Hmm... me and him, yea kitorang memang mcm langit dan bumi.
Aku haluan kiri, dia haluan kanan.
Aku kutub utara, dia kutub selatan.
Aku suka A, dia suka Z.
Honestly, aku pun taktau macam mana kitorang boleh end up together. Tapi dah ketentuan Illahi kitorang bertemu kan ?

Sebelum 03052011, aku memang dah warning dia awal2 yang aku ni macam mana. Rasanya sekeliling yang kenal rapat dgn aku pun dah warning kot ? Percakapan aku memang kasar, tapi bukan bermakna aku kurang hajar dan taktau hormat orang. Bahasa aku 90% penuh makian dan kata-kata sesat. Senang cerita, aku bukan lah seorang perempuan yang ada ciri-ciri perempuan melayu terakhir. Memang jauh tersasar sgt2. Evenso, aku takde lah teruk sgt sampai tk reti nak cakap elok-elok, tk reti nak berbudi bahasa. Bukan nak backing diri tp aku masih tahu nak ckp dgn sopan santun, mohon maaf bila aku yg bersalah or mengalah bila bergaduh. BUKAN TK PERNAH LANGSUNG.

I'm a woman with my own principe. I stand on what I believe. Still, I do know how to tolerate sometimes. Pada aku, biarlah bahasa aku kasar pada mata orang, yang tahu aku sebenarnya, hanya dia. Luaran tk menjanjikan apa. Romantis aku, lembut aku, manja aku biarlah dia saja yang tahu macam mana. Aku tk kesah kalau luaran aku orang pandang serong. Asal dalaman aku, orang yang benar benar aku kasihi saja yang merasainya. Kalau luar buruk, tk semestinya dalam pun sama. Cara orang berbeza. Tak boleh nak samakan semua orang. Aku dengan cara aku, dia dengan cara dia. Even kitorang amat berbeza, yang pasti kitorang still boleh terima each other. Belajar utk memahami dan menerima. Jangan lah terus jatuh hukum. Jodoh pertemuan di tangan Tuhan.

Aku tau cara aku kasar. Tapi aku tkde niat nak mengontrol or membodoh2kan dia. Bukan aku tk reti dgr cakap orang langsung. Aku sayang dia. Kadang2 yea, aku terlebih emosi. Siapa yang tk pernah kann ? Kalau aku selalu sangat, mungkin itu kelemahan aku. Dan dia terima kelemahan aku. Pada masa yang sama, aku cuba perbaikinya. Aku takkan cakap " I'll prove to you guys that you are wrong by saying "kitorang tkkn lama".." sbb soal jodoh Tuhan yang tentukan. Whatever it is, we are trying our best to make things work. Kitorang sedar kitorang memang jauh. But instead of condeming us, why not you guys support us ? Kan lebih elok macam tu ? Mendoakan kebahagiaan kawan-kawan ? Kann ? ;)

Awk, I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings a lot. But as I have explained to you earlier, it doesn't mean that I don't love you or don't respect you. It's just that, what you or others want me to be, biar lah hanya awk saja yang tahu.

p/s: Mulut orang..kita boleh buat apa ? Memang Tuhan bg kita mulut untuk mengata orang lain pun. =_='

ngeng.

sometimes, commitments are just too much for me.

2011-07-10T08:22:00.002-07:00

He texted me "Awk dah lain skrg :( " and tweeted "bagaikan ada rahsia di sebalik kelakuan mu" ... haih baru beberapa hari aku busy kerja siang malam, dah bising. Aku busy sangat2. Kejap2 terkejar sana sini. Kawan aku Sora msg pun aku tk dpt nak reply. Bestfriend aku Diane dah sampai Malaysia 3 hari pun aku tk jumpa2 lagi. Harry Potter dah kuar nak dekat seminggu pun aku tk pegi tgk lg. Bukan aku sengaja. The thing is, bila ada masa free dalam kesibukan aku kebelakangan ni, aku nak pamper diri jugak. Aku jenis yang kalau tgh tgk tv ke, makan ke, online ke, kalau orang msg, mmg aku tk layan. Cam aku lebih suka menyendiri. Herm sorry lah if aku mengabaikan boyfriend sendiri. But sometimes, girls just wanna have time of their own. I believe guys are too.

Lately, I miss being single. I miss loving my ownself.

ngeng.

time heal all wounds

2011-07-10T08:22:00.001-07:00

My sister was having a problem with her gf this evening.. She was screaming and crying like crazy and it was hurting to see her like that. Reminds me of myself months ago. I know how it feels like. I really do.

Then she asked me the only question I never know how to answer .... " Macam mana Ija boleh jadi kuat ? "

Damn.

The truth is, I never was. Even to this day. Eventhough I have a boyfriend and has moved on already, still, there are times where I wished I could turn back time and make things right. But I eased myself by keep telling me that to love, is not necessary to possess. Aku takkan tipu - memang akan sakit. Sakit yang tak terperi. There are no heartbreak yang tak sakit. There will be times yang kita akan break down gila2, mengamuk mcm orang hilang akal, menangis sampai mata bengkak2... but all that will passed. It's just a matter of time cause time heal all wounds. We can never forget our past no matter how hard we try. Infact, sometimes I feel like, the harder I try, the harder it gets. So, we move on with all the pain inside. And slowly, the pain will lose itself. Just learn to let go, we will be just fine. Not happier, just fine.

ngeng.

nur kasih

2011-07-10T08:22:00.000-07:00

Untuk pertama kalinya setelah beberapa bulan, lepas habis tanggalkan cutex, aku terus mandi wajib and join solat jemaah masa kenduri doa selamat kat rumah tadi. Aku pun taktau kenapa tiba2 aku terasa nak join. Sepanjang hidup aku, tk pernah aku join solat jemaah and bacaan yasin&tahlil everytime ada kenduri doa selamat kat mana-mana pun. Masa turun tangga dengan lengkap bertelekung, aku nmpak umi pandang aku dengan pandangan yang bersinar2.. Bersyukur plus terkejut agaknya anak bongsu dia ni tiba2 pakai telekung after quite sometime... Yea aku mengaku aku dah lama tinggalkan tanggungjawab dan kewajipan aku sbg umat islam. Aku mengatakan ini dengan perasaan malu yang amat, bukan dengan perasaan bangga. Dah lama tak sembah Tuhan, rasa tenang pulak tadi. Bila dengar Pak Ndak aku mengumandangkan azan, terasa bertuah pula Mak Ndak dapat berlakikan seorang laki yang beriman. Lunak sangat suara Pak Ndak azan tadi. Teringin nak berlakikan lelaki macam dia. Tapi, layak ke aku ? Herm, mungkin yang aku rasakan macam ada something yg hilang dalam hidup aku tu, ini lah sebenarnya. InsyaAllah, aku akan cuba terus menunaikan tuntutan wajib islam ni. Aku bukan nak berlagak baik or nak menunjuk yang aku dah berubah ke apa. Tak, aku belum yakin nak mengatakan yang aku dah berubah sepenuhnya. Sekadar ingin berkongsi pengalaman menarik aku hari ini. Iman aku tak kuat lagi.. masa yang akan menentukan.

Bilalah betul-betul nak terbukak hati pakai tudung ni... hmmmm...

ngeng.

HB Abg Haji !!

2011-07-05T11:32:00.000-07:00

Happy 21st Birthday Qayyum !!!! Padan muka kena tepung ! Tapi thanks lahh kena kan sebijik telur kat aku. Cett ! Birthday dia, tapi aku pun kena gak. Pfft. Ni sume maam kau punya idea !! ;)

First time dalam hidup kena mandi tepung + telur !!!!

ngeng.

burung hantu

2011-07-04T14:07:00.000-07:00

Hari hari macam ni tak larat aku. Orang pergi kerja, aku baru nak tidur. Bangun petang buat kerja rumah. Malam keluar melepak sampai pagi. Macam mana nak kerja kalau rutin hari2 kalah burung hantu ??? Everytime try nak tidur awal, mesti tk blh. Terkebil-kebil mata dok cuba nak tidur. Masuk tidur pukul 1, betul betul boleh tidur pukul 6 jugak !! Makin lama makin tua pulak aku tengok muka aku ni. Dengan badan makin gemok dok makan malam je keje. Lama-lama mmg mcm burung hantu rupa aku. Tua, mata lebam, gemok !!! Damn it ! I hate seeing myself in the mirror now. I miss my skinny (menipu sangat lah skinny) days....

So what do I do everynight yang tkblh tidur ? If I'm not hanging out with some friends, I would be watching 90210 or Masterchef Australia at home. Or online watching youtube or just stalking other people's FB. Sekarang ni pun aku dok google for tips on how to look young and some cooking recipes ! Or I would be cooking something ( pastu bukan makan pun ) ... Damn my life is sooo pathetic now !

Seriously, I can't wait for September !

ngeng.

i keep telling myself, love is just a feeling.

2011-06-20T10:37:00.000-07:00

It's often that we heard, friendship comes first before love. Cause love might just be a feeling...friendship on the other hand, is a bonding. And usually, bonding last longer than feeling.

I used to choose friendship over love. I will never blame my friends and will always defend them no matter what, even if it means I have to lose the love of my life - it wasn't the brightest decision I've ever made. Cause now that my real love is gone, I am still lost even my friends are still around. However, thanks you guys for sticking around. Still, I need my love back.

Now that it is on its way, once again, I'm at the crossroads between friendship and love. I was hardly breathing when I lost my love before. Living like a living corpse wasn't the best moment in my life. Should I risk it again ? Will I be making the same mistake ? (Dont get me wrong, it's not that I'm saying choosing friendship over love was a mistake, no ! It's just that, I should have known how to balance both presence in my life. I was biased ) - now, I'm hoping I'm not anymore.

I love you, but I still need my friends around.

ngeng.

yes, i'm offended.

2011-06-11T09:47:00.000-07:00

Bukan nak perasan, tapi memang dalam family, antara aku, Farah and Along, aku yg paling kononnya ada rupa lebih sikit dari yang lain. Ini bukan kes angkat bakul sendiri yea, tapi memang diiktiraf dari kaum family. Aku yang lagi terang2 lawa dari Along aku pun, suami dia boleh cakap, "Along lagi lawa dari Erra Fazira"...

Memang statement yang sangat konfiden dari Abg Saiful. Dia sangat sayang Along sampai dia rasa Along lah wanita tercantik di dunia bagi dia. Along is his everything, perfect in every single way. Padahal ada je lemak kiri kanan, hidung kembang sikit lagi dari aku, bontot besar. Tapi Abg Saiful yakin sangat yang Along lagi lawa dari Erra Fazira. Tergelak besar aku dgn Farah masa dgr statement Abg Saiful. Dah kena mandrem ke ape ?? Tapi kitorang tahu, Abg Saiful memang sangat sayangkan Along smpi dia rase Along yang paling terhebat.

Itu, aku sangat kagum.

You see, honesty is very important in every relationship, yes no doubt. But there are certain things yang kita perlu buat untuk jaga hati. Tipu untuk jaga hati takpe, jangan tipu untuk jaga tembelang. Ini baru betul orang kata tipu sunat. Menipu untuk jaga hati tak salah.

Bila aku tanya pada kau, "siapa lagi lawa ? saya ke dia ?.. awak jawab je jujur2.. " ...Don't you know that no matter who do you think is prettier, the answer should be me ? A woman likes to feel appreciated. Likes to be adored. Likes to think as if she's the only person that is everything to a man's heart no matter how many flaws she has. So when you answered "dia".... do you have any idea how frustrated I was ? Lagi-lagi bila tahu kau jujur habis, bukan bergurau. Aku rasa macam aku tak cukup bagus untuk kau. Aku terfikir, dimana ranking aku di mata kau ? Aku yang pertama kah ? Aku tertanya, kau masih ada perasaan pada dia ? Masih punya nafsu dan keinginan mahu kembali bersama dia ? Masih menunggu dia lagi ? Kau buat aku betul betul rasa kat paling bawah sekali. Aku sedar aku bukanlah cantik mana. Memang hodoh pun. But to hear it from the one I trusted most, memang sangat mengecewakan. Siapa lagi yang nak buat aku rasa berharga and bermakna kalau bukan kau ? Tapi kalau kau sendiri yang buat aku rasa tak konfiden dgn diri sendiri, mcm mana aku nak rasa dihargai ? Kau perlu tahu bila, mana, mcm mana, dan apa yang patut and yang tak patut kau buat or cakap bila dengan kekasih.

Yea. Aku memang terasa.

p/s: Cinta mati aku adalah Apa. Aku takkan boleh sayang orang lain mcm mana aku penah sayang Apa.

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Apa kau rasa kalau aku keluar statement macam ni depan2 kau ?

ngeng.

adinda the gaga,

2011-06-02T14:49:00.000-07:00

I think this kiddo over here tak perlu introduction dah kot. Kalau tahap famous dia dah saing-saing dgn si Bieber tu, tgk gmbr je orang dah tahu siapa lah kann. Kalau Bieber tibe2 ade sebut nama budak ni kat Tweeter, aku pun tk terkejut. Sampai Metro Harian and MHI pun dok dgr berita sal dia (dr kat fb aku dok ckp camni...ade unsur2 jealous ni..keh keh keh ) ... This kiddo over here definitely dah gegarkan satu Malaysia ni dgn statement berani mati dia. Rasanya korang pun dah tau kot apa statemen yg dimksdkan tu. Mmg sgt provokatif, kalah Lady Gaga. Aku taknak comment pasal apa yg dia dah buat in the past, aku just nak comment pasal her brave confession to the public. Reminds me of August last year. Sebab blog, kicau-bilau jadinya. Trust me, I know. My cousin and I almost caused 2 families to torn apart because of what we posted in our blog. I was so stupid back then, like this AdindaEvans kid. *sigh

I mean come on. Skrg dunia siber. Semua info laju je orang dapat. Nak delete permanently the memory pun tkkan sempat. Kau post something yg provokatif, kau pegi dapur buat air 2 minit, pegi kat lappy balik, tau2 dah 1000 orang like/hentam post kau. Especially bloggers, stalkers and etc. Dorang dapat bahan lagi laju dari Metro Harian. Tk payah tggu baba campak paper depan umah pagi2, kau online je, search google pape pun komfem ada. Haih... sometimes, sampai cerita dalam selimut pun orang blh tahu.

I wont judge apa budak ni buat in her past. Kau nak main dgn bf kau ke, nak jadi hotsetap ke ape, I dont give a shit. But when you tell the whole world something that you should just keep it to yourself, nak2 kalo bnd tu smthg yg provokatif, you just have to face the consequences of your action lah. If orang kutuk kau ke ape, terima jelah dah tu yg kau mintak...kalo tak, knp kau berani2 nak post camtu kan ? If orang nasihatkan, dengar. Tu maknanya dorang ambil berat n kesian kat kau. You cannot expect the whole world to be symphatized on you. Biasalah mesti akan ada orang kutuk punya. Kalau dunia ni baik je, tkkan ada undang2, tkkan ada politik, tkkn ade penjara. It's the yin yang of life. Ada baik, ada jahat. And my advise, you should just lay low je skrg ni. Your feedback at your latest post lagi buat orang terasa mengundang nak condemn kau. Kau dah buat statement paling bodoh kat dunia, what makes you think people will accept whatever you have to say after this ?

AdindaEvans, you are still damn young. When I was fourteen, I was busy hanging out with my friends and I dont even know whats the meaning of sex at that time. Cherish your pre teens life. Pergi lah gosip2 dgn budak2 ppuan, minat Justin Bieber ke ape... Sex and adults stuff ni are still too 18sxxxx for you.

Seriously, aku pun taktau what the hell am I doing posting up pasal budak ni. Nampak sgt dah kering idea tktau nak post ape kat blog. Damn.

ngeng.

pelamin anganku musnah,

2011-05-28T09:58:00.000-07:00

Today, the man that I used to love, used to die for, used to have my everything got engaged with another girl.

Kalau ikut hati, mati.
Kalau ikut perasaan, binasa.

I used to have everything. I gave my everything just for him. Even the love of my life. But..nothing last forever. I don't know what went wrong, but he ended our relationship. Just like that, heartlessly leaving me without any explaination, any reason. Mati hati aku dibuatnya.

Katanya indah. Barisnya syurga. Tp semuanya cuka. Yang bodohnya aku.

Aku tak pernah menyesal. Hanya satu, aku kesal tinggalkan cinta mati aku. You see, I was so blind back then, I didn't know the diff between love and lust. That stupid lust got me blinded thinking that it was love. Damn.

Sejujurnya, aku tak berdendam. Tapi aku masih terluka. Eventhough we've talked about this and agreed on a one-sided-benefit agreement (that is your side) .... still I can't totally forget about everything yet.. it happened so fast, I didn't have the time to heal.

Hari ni, aku ulang-ulang lagu pelamin anganku musnah by azie... Aku masih teringat ade satu masa tu, we were on the phone... tak ingat cakap pasal ape tapi dia ade tanya.. "kalau angah kawen dgn orang lain mcm mana? " ... aku dgn berguraunye jawab, "phye nyanyi pelamin anganku musnah lah camtu " .... hari ni, kena batang hidung aku. Herm.. sambil type post ni pun, dah ke berapa ratus kali aku ulang lagu tu. Kisah aku dgn dia mmg ngam dgn lagu ni... "masihkah dgn janji mu, apa pun terjadi aku lah pilihanmu, hingga sanggup aku singkir cinta yang lalu...ku angankan pelamin indah utk kita berdua singgah...sayangnya...semua musnah... "

Bawah ni lirik nye..kalau dia ada depan aku, mmg aku akan melalak lagu ni depan dia... Aku bukan frust menonggeng.. tak. Aku just terluka...ditambah pula dgn tiada kata maaf dari dia setelah apa yang berlaku.. lagi buat aku rasa, aku ni hanya boneka koleksi dia. Hmm.. perempuan perempuan, jgn jadi bodoh mcm aku. Mencintai si dia yang berhati palsu.

Apa pun Orang Tua, congratulations.

Masih lagi tidak terlewat

Utk aku ucap tahniah

Di atas kehadirannya

Menggantikan aku

Pastinya oh hidupmu

Akan lebih bermakna

Dan aku usah kau kenang

Walau kita pernah berkasihan

Maafkan diriku ini

Kerna tidak hadirkan diri

Di sewaktu hari persandinganmu

Adakah kau ingin lihat

Air mata ini berguguran

Puaslah hatimu kini

Memainkan perasaanku selama ini

Masihkah dengan janji mu

Apa pun jadi akulah pilihan mu

Hingga sanggup aku singkir cinta yang lalu

Ku angankan pelamin indah untuk kita berdua singgah

Sayangnya semua musnah

Kau buat malam ku jadi gerhana

Dan hidupku tiada maknanya

Hanya bernyawa namun tak bermaya

Terkadang aku merasa menyesal

Kerna telah sehabis daya

Aku cinta dirimu kasih

Akhirnya aku sendiri tersisih.....

ngeng.

dear ex,

2011-05-25T08:21:00.000-07:00

I always wonder when will I ever see you again. And how will I react if it happens. Am I ready ? Will I cry infront of you ? Will I bend on my knee and beg you to come back ? I wonder....
It has been almost 6 months since we last met. And that last moment we had, weren't the great one. You were begging and crying, and I was shouting, heartlessly. Damn I regret that. 4months later, it was me who is crying and begging. I wished, I hoped to meet you again to make amends.

God granted one - to meet you again. And I wasn't ready.

I went to stadium Cheras just now to watch the football match between K.L and Negeri Sembilan. I should have known he would be there too...tapi tak sangka akan terserempak. On my way back, I stopped at 7e. I was with my boyfie. He couldn't find a parking so he waited in the car. As I walked into the 7e, my heart stopped beating. Damn... I couldn't believe my eyes... Is this for real ? Or aku yang angau ? No, this is real. It was him... it was... Apa ! He was on his way out to the car....

Badan aku sejuk tetiba. Aku tau muka aku mesti tgh pucat gile..it's like I've seen a ghost ! I had to be sure, so I called out his name.... "Apa ! Apa ! Apa ! " ..he didn't turned at all...masih marah lagi pada aku mungkin.. But I knew it was him. He was wearing the same jeans, the same hair..and his walks... I recognized that the most.. No one in the world walks the way he walks...dgn bontot katik die tu, I was very damn sure it was him... he got in a car full with a bunch of guys yg aku kenal sgt2 and drove away... I just walked into the 7e, lost in words.. still couldnt believe my eyes...

Aku selalu doa pada Tuhan temukan aku dgn Apa utk kali terakhir. Tuhan temukan kami dgn cara ini... even it's not how I had in mind, still aku sgt bersyukur cause after seeing him, I felt nothing. I did not cry at all..no tears. I felt normal. As if mcm hilang satu beban yg sgt berat. My friend said maybe it shows that I'm totally over him.. maybe. All I know is that, even dah terjumpa Apa tadi, aku dah tkde perasaan nak bersama dgn dia kembali... biasanya mesti orang akan ckp, rindu nak bermanja, rindu bau die, rindu nak dgr suara die... but not me. Not this time. Not anymore. Maybe who I have right now is strong enough to make me forget about Apa completely. Who I have right now, might be the best one I'll ever have. So, I'm moving on... Sejujurnya, perasaan aku numb bila nmpk Apa. Happy pun tk, sakit pun tk, sedih pun tk. The feeling is neutral. I thank God for this ! Terasa ringan mcm takde beban lagi yg aku pikul... Mungkin ini petunjuk Tuhan nak suruh aku teruskan hidup dgn aman...mulakan yg baru. I am seriously so happy.

There is this saying that "never make friends with your ex" .... I guess it's true.

Apa, wherever you are right now, It was nice seeing you just now. I hope you're doing great and take care of yourself okay. What we had, I will keep it as memory. Mungkin Tuhan pisahkan kita utk bagi yang lagi baik. Jaga siapa yang kau ada sekarang ni baik-baik. Jangan curang, jangan nakal. And don't worry, I'll do the same. Salam....

dari yg pernah kau sayang,
arbee.

ngeng.

ana uhib buka :)

2011-04-26T14:55:00.000-07:00

My whole life, I never text with anybody from the moment I wake up til the moment I go to bed. Yes I am a person who likes to constantly texting but not up to this point ! Even there is nothing to talk about, we still keep on texting. And the best part is that, I never stop laughing for each text. I like it when someone let me feel like a kid again. I like it this way. Atleast, I won't feel like to meroyan whenever my friends are not around. Cause I have a buddy who is there for me. And for that, ana uhib buka :)

ngeng.

M K A.

2011-04-13T23:14:00.001-07:00

He was there yesterday. I didn't expect it at all but I hoped I reacted the way I should. He was on his way back when he came to see me. He was with another girl. I was calm though it hurts. We talked. I can't quite remember what we talked about. But I'm sure he was sorry for everything. And he said kita buat macam biasa, kita jadi macam mula-mula dulu. So I said now you are like a big brother to me, and I'm like a lil sister to you okayyy, like before. I forced a smile on my face while saying that.

The saddest part is when I had to take off your ring that I have been wearing since you gave it to me and gave it back to you. Also when we hug for the last time. You hug me so damn tight..reminds me back to where we start. Back to 4 months ago. I will never forget your touch. Thanks for 3 wonderful months. Though its only for a while, I had a great time and was happy with you.

For the last time, I love you MKA.

ngeng.

itulah sayang

2011-04-12T22:27:00.000-07:00

Tanya sama hati apa asal sayang.

Adakah tandanya nampak dipandang.

Kumbang rayu bunga bulan dan bintangnya

Punya tanda-tanda hubungan mesra.

Tanya sama hati pernahkah merindu

Ingat masa lena apa mimpi mu

Masa berjauhan apa nan dikenang

Bila difahamkan itulah sayang.

Suka suka suka lirik ni ! Tersirat habissss ! :)

ngeng.

they say i've gone mad...

2011-04-05T09:30:00.000-07:00

Danial Nazreen Anuar. Aku baca komen kau kat chatbox, buat aku rasa tertampar. Kau tau aku lemah kat mana kan. Dulu aku tinggalkan kau pun sbb Apa. Tapi thanks kau tak benci aku. Sorry aku buat kau mcm tu dulu. Aku pernah ckp kat kau, semua orang pun tahu, dengan siapa pun aku, endingnya aku mesti dgn Apa balik. Sekarang dah tak mcm tu. Kalau lah blh mcm tu lagi...hmm..aku taknak buat Apa sakit lg dah. Banyak kali aku amek buang dia. Apa bukan bola yg boleh ditendang tarik. Thanks btw...dengan 3 ayat simple kau tu, buat aku rasa tersedar sikit. Aku dah tak kuat mcm dulu lg cakk.. ramai tanya aku mana Phye yang hardcore dulu.

Honestly, I also dont know where the hell is that bitch now.

Aku proud dgn kau. Masalah tak habis2 timbul dalam life kau. Bala sebesar mana yg tak pernah timpa kau ? But you never give up fighting. You always bounce back. Even kdg2 kau rasa down, but you will always find a way to move on. How I wish I have the strength like yours. Keep being strong yea cakk. Its the only thing I know about you and I'm so proud with it. And thanks for being there when I need you.

ngeng.

" mencintai tak semestinya memiliki "

2011-04-04T06:08:00.000-07:00

Bila fikir kau pukul aku,

Bila fikir kau pernah curang,

Bila fikir hari hari kena maki,

Bila fikir kau kasar dengan aku,

Bila fikir kau tidak adil,

Bila fikir gila kuasa kau,

Bila fikir ego taknak kalah kau,

Aku jadi benci. Aku jadi marah. Aku jadi kuat.

Tapi....

Bila teringat mata kau,

Bila dengar Love The Way You Lie, Callin U, Yakinlah Aku Menjemputmu dan 150juta,

Bila fikir perhatian kau beri,

Bila fikir manja kau kalah bayi,

Bila fikir pengorbanan kau,

Bila fikir arifnya kau ttg aku,

Bila melihat album kita,

Bila diselubungi comforter kau ketika tidur,

Bila terlihat kereta satria biru dimana-mana,

Bila terdengar Zafran panggil Paksu,

Bila ternampak vespa buruk di tepi jalan,

Bila terbayang pelukan kau disisi,

Bila teringat kucupan mesra kau,

Bila terlalu di Tmn Len Sen dan Bangi,

Bila bersiar-siar di pantai PD,

Bila terlihat gmbr kau di dompet aku,

Bila teringat sakat kau yg buat aku gelak,

Aku menangis. Kenapa aku lepaskan satu-satunya yang terindah dalam hidup aku ? Kalau lah aku tak dikaburi nafsu, mungkin aku masih bersama kau. Tak guna menyesal. Aku redha ketentuanNya. Kalau bukan kerana keluarga dah tak suka, aku sanggup sujud cium kaki kau asal kau kembali. Tapi Tuhan ada rancangan lain utk kita. Dia takkan bg dugaan kalau kita tak blh hadapinya... Aku masih sayang kau, cinta mati aku.... Si Azfar..

p/s: Aku tak blh jumpa jahat kau lg byk dr baik kau....

ngeng.

adrenaline rises up !!

2011-03-20T02:39:00.000-07:00

Since I'm gonna start working tomorrow, so I have been spending a lot of time with my friends. I mean, those yang near to me lahh. Particularly with Anoy, Cham and Adriana. Ramai yang terlajak belajar kat negeri lain. So these past few weeks mmg dengan dorang jelah keluar. Ada jugak a few others yang sangat mengundang kalau disebut namanya dalam blog ni. Huhu. Thank you guys .... for filling my lonely days... lololove korang !

Okayy the fun stops right here. Lets go to work work work ! I'm over excited cause this is my first time having a real job..cause I usually do freelance job je. But at the same time cam malas pun ada. But I have to work ! To pay all the bills, all the debts, and all the fancy clothes I want to wear. Independent woman babeh ! I'm gonna miss all the late night outings and movies...and no more tidur sepanjang hari.. :(

Me and Adriana during the job interview.

Me and Cham kat playground area rumah Adriana.

Me and Anoy...enjoying our lovely crepes at Pavi yesterday :)

p/s: Ada laki tua kejar sebab nak berkenalan kat Sg Wang smlm. First time experience - scary !!

ngeng.

diam tanpa kata.

2011-03-14T19:32:00.000-07:00

" Sy harap wlupn kt jauh, awk xlupe kat sy..maafkan sy sbb sjk kblkgn ni, hbgn kt dingin je...sy cube lupekan ape dh jd...i love u so much 'alaina... "

You gave me this text while I was on my way back home for a semester break. Tears were dropping while I read it. After what happened, I know you still love me even you were so damn frustrated. I see there is still hope.

But then now..... ?

We seems to grow further away from each other. I don't understand why cause I am still the same person I was when we first met. Don't come find me whenever you want. I'm not a puppet. Hanya dicari bila terasa ingin mencari.

Aku punya mata, telinga, hati dan perasaan.

May tomorrow is a better day.

ngeng.

i hate you.

2011-03-09T09:43:00.000-08:00

Aku dah cuba faham kau. Dengar setiap kata kau. Ikotkan sahaja cara kau. Diamkan diri kalau kau tak menghubungi. Jaga bahasa agar tak tersalah kata. Pujuk kan hati elak meroyan. Berubah diri agar disenangi. Cuba berbaik seperti mula mula perkenalan.

APA LAGI YANG KAU NAK ?????

Kalau kau perasan, kebelakangan ni kau asyik naik suara kat aku. Apa aku cakap semua salah. Apa aku buat semua tak betul. Ada je nanti kena marah. Volume tu kalau tak hampir ke maximum, tak sah. Aku dah pesan kan, jangan didik aku dengan cara yang kau taknak aku jadi. Aku bukan malaikat. Jangan lah pijak-pijak kepala aku ni. Bodoh cane pun aku, lembap mane pun, lurus bendul mcm tiang skali pun, tak bagi kau hak nak pijak-pijak main bola sepak atas kepala aku ! Apehal seyh kau sikit-sikit nak sempit hati dgn aku padahal aku takde buat apa-apa pun. Dahla. Lepaskan saja aku kalau kau nak buat aku mcm taik. Banyak sangat dah taik aku makan ni. Tau penat tak ? Aku tak cakap aku yang baik, kau yang jahat, TAK ! Tapi yang ini, mmg kau salah. Aku pun ada MATA, TELINGA, HATI DAN PERASAAN. Kau boleh tolong perasan tak pasal orang lain jugak ? Kalau ada masalah, buat mcm orang ada masalah. Jangan tunjuk lagak macam kau hebat sgt tapi belakang-belakang aku jadi punching bag kau. Boleh tolong perasan tak ? Perasan sikit je...sikitttt je..tak byk pun. Boleh ea ?

Ohh lupa ! Kau takde perasaan, cane kau nak perasan. Kannnn ?

Jangan sampai hormat aku kat kau hilang. Aptb.

ngeng.

rindu ibu pada si anak kecil.

2011-03-04T23:37:00.001-08:00

15years ago....

"Assalammualaikum...."

" Yeay yeay ! Umi dah balik ! Umi dah balik ! "

15years later....

" Assalammualaikum...."

"Waalaikummussalam... Umi ada kunci rumah kan ? Ija punya dalam beg malas nak pergi amek lahh.. "

" Haih kalau dulu Umi balik, Ija tak sabar nak sambut Umi. Sekarang nak bukak kan pintu pun malas. Mengadap je depan laptop tu..."

*tertampar.

We children.....herm. Nak cakap panjang pun, sendiri fahamlah. I'm sure this situation happens in most families. What change us ???

Ya Allah, janganlah engkau kurniakan anak yang "aku "....amin.

ngeng.

sorry is not the hardest word.

2011-03-04T23:37:00.000-08:00

Aku tak faham kenapa sesetengah orang sangat susah nak melafazkan perkataan maaf. Walaupun dah terang lagi bersuluh dia salah, lebih rela mendiamkan diri dari memohon kemaafan. Jijik sangat ke kalau mohon maaf dari orang lain ? Jatuh sangat ke air muka kau ? Maruah tergadai ke ?

Aku bukan jenis yang susah nak mohon maaf kalau memang aku yang bersalah. Mungkin acapkali kau dengar kata maaf aku. Tapi setiap kali itu, aku ikhlas. Aku kesal dengan kesalahan yang dilakukan. Aku juga punya ego. Tapi masih tahu bertempat.

Besar mana pun kesalahan kau, sakit macam mana pun aku rasa, with a simple sorry and really mean it will just do. Tak kemana ego kau tu. Jangan sampai makan diri. Hmmm....

ngeng.

merenung masa depan

2011-03-04T11:07:00.000-08:00

Aku sepertinya bukanlah orang yang cocok utk berbicara tentang perkara ini. Aku sendiri pun ibarat bayi yang masih merangkak. Tapi aku ikhlas, aku risau, dan aku prihatin. Kau orang yang aku sayang. Aku taknak berdiam diri seperti tunggul kayu melihat kau terus terjerumus ke bawah. Sayang, mungkin tempoh perkenalan kita masih mentah. Tapi seakan aku nampak bayangan yang sepertinya sebuah mimpi ngeri. Sedarkah bahwa kau mengetuk pintu alam kejatuhan kau sendiri ?

Maafkan aku jika kau terasa aku tidak berada di tempat yang sepatutnya utk mengetengahkan perkara ini. Cuma niat aku utk menolong kau. Aku kira, kau juga pasti akan melakukan perkara yang sama utk aku. Hmmm...

Bila kita di atas, semua puja. Ohh kita lah segalanya. Dunia terasa kecil. Wang ringgit kau miliki, berkepuk-kepuk banyaknya. Rezeki datang melimpah-ruah. Lupa diri, lupa usul, lupa matlamat, lupa.... Tuhan. Nafsu membuas utk miliki semua keinginan hati.
Yang haram jadinya halal.
Yang buruk jadinya baik.
Yang salah jadinya betul.

Tiada apa yang kekal di dunia ini melainkan Dia. Satu-satu Tuhan bakalan tarik semula. Sebabnya, semua pun bukan hak milik kita.

Maruah... seolah tergadai.
Harta... sekelip mata hilang.
Kawan-kawan... seorang demi seorang jadinya lawan.
Rezeki... seperti tak terasa apa yang ada.

Boleh aku tanya kau sesuatu ? Apa rancangan kau untuk masa depan ? Masa makin suntuk...pejam celik, tik tik tik jam bergerak. Harap kau ada back up plan - simpanan ada, aset ada, keluarga ada, kawan-kawan masih setia. Tiada masalah utk bersuka ria. Tapi jangan sampai satu tahap, kau akan terduduk. Takut nanti kau tak terbangun-bangun. Saat itu baru kau rasa betul-betul tingginya langit dan bumi. Tiada lagi terasa seperti diawang-awangan. Aku risau. Kau orang yang kelihatannya seperti menjadi harapan kebanyakan, dan yang penting - harapan aku. Bisakah kau merasa seperti kau pula mengharap pada orang lain ?

Aku budak lagi. Pun masih dalam kegelapan. Mungkin kau gelak baca post ini. Tapi, tolong ? Tolong pertimbangkan kerana ada betulnya kann ?

* jom Ija, ikut umi ?
pergi mana ?
jalan-jalan.
jalan-jalan kemana ?
jalan-jalan cari Tuhan.

hmmm....

p/s: Ustazah pernah pesan.. " kita selalu lupa Tuhan, tapi Tuhan tak pernah lupa kita "

ngeng.

i am no gold digger.

2011-03-02T12:02:00.000-08:00

Nissan Fairlady Z lalu depan. Lelaki handsome muka stock Pak Arab duduk memandu di driver seat... * fuhh smartnya kereta. Kalau lah aku ada, kan best.

BMW X6 masuk parking kereta, seorang lelaki kacak irasnya seperti Aaron Aziz keluar dari kereta... * OMG ! Dia drive dreamcar aku !!!!

Seorang jejaka manis, comelnye ada lesung pipit di pipi, putih melepak macam Chinese look sikit belanja makan satu table 10 orang kat Victoria Station... * Mak aih masyuk nya dia ni...keje ape lah kann..

Seorang kawan lelaki yang masih single guna BB Torch latest edition... * Masyuk ea kau kawan ?

Yea dorang hebat-hebat. Banyak harta, duit bukan masalah bagi mereka. Tak kesah la duit mak bapak atau hasil usaha sendiri. Nak pergi mana, cakap sahaja. Ongkos nya, enggak perlu risau. Ditanggung beres !!!

* pfft ...

Sikit pun tak terlintas di hati aku nak usha mana-mana diantara mereka. Cukup sekadar mengagumi. Meskipun jika mereka yang menginginkan aku, layanan aku biasa saja jika hati tak ada. Aku bukan perempuan mata duitan. Apetah lagi pisau cukur. Yang aku nak, kebahagiaan. Bukan kekayaan. Harta tak boleh beli aku.

Kau beri aku bahagia, Bill Gates beri aku istana. Aku tetap pilih kau.

Ini bukan ayat manis. Ini aku.

ngeng.

once upon a time, i was falling in love.

2011-03-02T11:26:00.000-08:00

I don't know why I love you so much. I tried to walk away. I tried to look for other options. Options that doesn't involve you. But I can't. I tried, hard enough. I don't know why is it so hard for me to just....to just... damn lahh.

Kau jadikan gambar kau tidak lagi di wallpaper handphone aku sebagai isu. Kalau aku nak curang atau jaga market sekali pun, sekurang-kurangnya aku akan letak gambar aku kat wallpaper phone. Aku takkan biarkan kosong. Aku takut sebenarnya. Hari-hari pandang akan buat kita makin rindu bila berjauhan. Jujur aku cakap, I'm scared to love you that much anymore. Aku takut sakit lagi. Ini langkah berjaga-jaga aku. Sebab kau tak boleh nak berikan satu-satunya permintaan aku, ini cara aku untuk prepare for anything worse yang mungkin bakalan jadi lagi. But that doesn't mean I love you less now.

Aku masih sayang kau seperti dulu.

ngeng.

wedding bells ? ohh no, thank you :)

2011-02-28T12:00:00.000-08:00

I have a few friends who are already engaged. And some, dah kahwin dah pun. All my life, I dream of a happy and normal family. My plan was to get married cepat2, have some kids and live happily ever after. Too bad, it all only happens in fairytales. And life ain't no fairytale. Ini bukan drama TV3. Ini realiti kehidupan.

I used to believe in marriage. And my weakness is that, whenever I met someone new, I was convinced that he could be my future husband. So I started berangan all the things yang every traditional girls would want in life. Dan harapan aku jadi menggunung bila si polan juga menaburkan kata-kata manis konon nya aku lah yang dicari-cari selama ini. Urghh lame.. duhh. Semangat siapa yang tak membuak bila harapan di hati disokong-sokong ?

Tapi pengalaman mengajar aku bahawa, kebenaran tidak lah selalu indah. After what happened, aku seolah ditiup semangat dan pandangan baru. Mungkin ini juga caranya untuk aku memahami dia. Aku cuba untuk bersifat lebih terbuka. Dan untuk itu, aku mula mengubah pandangan aku tentang sesetengah perkara.

*mengeluh

Selama hidup aku, aku cuba menentukan nasib aku sendiri. Seolah-olah aku cuba melawan takdir. Sekarang, aku lepaskan satu-persatu dan serahkan segalanya pada Yang Maha Esa. Aku percaya, satu hari nanti, bila tiba masa yang sesuai, Tuhan akan kurniakan aku seseorang yang aku berhak dapat. Sama ada "seseorang" itu adalah dia yang aku bersama sekarang ini atau tidak, aku serahkan segalanya pada Dia.

Untuk masa sekarang, hidup aku adalah untuk aku. Selagi aku tidak terikat dengan sesiapa atau dibawah mana-mana peraturan agama, I will live with my own rules. So, it is gonna be nore about me, and less about you. Patuhku, tundukku, akurku pada kau sekarang, hanyalah atas dasar hormat dan sayang. Bukan lagi atas dasar kau lelaki aku, kau lagi berkuasa dan aku patut dengar cakap kau 100%. Selain dari kebenaran dalam Islam, kebenaran lain bagi aku, is just a matter of opinion.. Aku dah redha.

p/s : Bila sekarang kau tanya mahukah aku kahwin dengan kau, aku tak bergurau bila aku katakan "taknak"....atleast, not for now.

ngeng.

girls just wanna have fun :)

2011-02-28T00:58:00.000-08:00

Damn. I miss you guys so much. We had so much fun last year masa Diane balik cuti. Keeeemak ouh ! Hesh can I fast forward masa ? Ingat lagi masa duduk rumah Diane. The first time tu memang gila-gila takda transport..nak gerak sana sini pun susah. Dah la dua2 kaki jalan. Nasib baik aunty kau balik kampung so we had the car all by ourselves !! Yeay !! Jadual hari-hari mesti sama....

Pagi, tidur sampai petang.

Petang siap2 nak kuar.

Malam, kuar sampai pagi. Orang nak sahur baru kita balik.

Mekap bagai nak rak macam nak pergi clubbing padahal lepak mamak sebelah umah je. Dengan terdedah sana sini. Bak kata abg sewa kereta.. "Kalau jmp Diana tu, mesti mcm tak cukup kain. Pakai baju kebaya pun sama je abg tgk"... hahahaha.... Aku confirm banyak gila fashion mistake kita buat kan Yen ? Kadang2 cam jinjang sgt pun ade. Hahahaha... Mampos lah orang nak kata over the top sgt ke tak. (Kau igt tak masa lepak mamak mane entah yang kita jumpa this one guy artist pakai baju melayu purple. Fizzow I think nama dia. And we were like flirting main2 mata dgn dia cause he was checking US out. *taknak jugak ckp dia usha KAU je..hahhaha....and then Raja Farah dtg...* sumpah weh dia macam nenek gile malam tu )..

Damn I miss those days. Then zaman aku jadi penetap JB pulak. Macam2 seyh happen kat JB. Aku and Anis kena samun lah. Tu moment paling fucked up. Sampai ke sahur kitorang kat balai buat report. Haih lahh. Hari-hari aku dgn Anis ponteng puasa. Selamba je pegi beli McD, yang si Pacak tggu dalam kereta. HAHAHA. Pegi karok ramai2, pegi The Zone jumpa TMJ...and dalam byk2 kali aku pegi JB, skali je dapat jmp Amal...asallah kau jauh sgt ke Segamat makcik oii ?

Then, korang igt tak masa wedding abg Anis ? Hahaha. Time Diane baru2 je sampai Malaysia..terus shoot gi JB sama-sama. Entah ape hal lah aunty Anis tu nak jaki sangat dgn kau Diane...haha. Nak pergi smoke pun kena bawak kete pusing2 satu taman..masing2 sorok2 sap kok. Empat2 ekor ni kaki smoking...haha. Yang si Amal tak habis2 nak condemn aku. Ada je benda dia tak puas hati. Kau memang kan setan ????? Suka cari pasal dgn aku. hahaha. Tapi aku tetap sayang kau jugak...huhu.

After balik from JB, aku datang lagi lepak umah Diane. Everyday siang malam dengan minah ni sampai dah muak. Selalu gak argue dengan dia. And yang paling embrassing, kita gaduh teruk gila belakang kereta Qayyum otw balik from MOS cause of some stupid stuff. Sumpah that was the ugliest fight I had with you. HAHAHA. Everyday sewa kereta nak pegi jalan2 punya pasal. Everyweek wooooza !! Yes that was my favourite part of all. Hahahaha. Gila babi tak pergi kelas langsung sem tu. Dok enjoy dengan korang je...haha. But it was all worth it. Spending some valuable time with my hunny bunnies....nothing can top that. Dengan duit pun semput2 je...macam biasa lah, payung each other kann ? Even selalu sengkek pun, but we were so damn happy cause we had each other. I miss all that korang. I miss you guys sangat2.

Diane cepat lah balik ! Make sure this year kau balik jugak k. And tolong lah jangan time bulan puasa lagi. Semput weh aku nak ganti puasa sebulan !!! HAHAHAHA....

ngeng.

family always come first

2011-02-28T00:37:00.000-08:00

Didi cakap konsep die ....

1) family
2) kawan-kawan
3) kekasih

He's right. That is why I love my family. Gaduh-gaduh tu normal lah. Sedangkan lidah sendiri pun boleh tergigit kannn ?

Dapur kat rumah rosak. Something wrong tapi taktau sebab apa. Nak kata gas habis, dah tukar pun still tak boleh on. So dah berapa hari ni beli lauk luar je. I was damn hungry just now so I called my Along asking if dia balik for lunch cause nak dia bungkuskan sekali for me. But dia tak balik so she called my other sister, Farah to buy some nasi bungkus for me. That was 12pm just now. Farah was sleeping and woke up at 2. Bila nak pergi jumpa Along kat HUKM, Farah called her cakap dah otw...then I can hear ALong marah Farah on the phone cause dah dua jam lepas tu baru nak gerak pegi beli food.

"Kau baru nak pegi beli makanan ke Farah ? Dah dua jam adik tunggu tu. Kau buat apa Along suruh pegi tadi ? Kebulur dah adik tu tau tak ? "

I laughed. And was so touched by her concernity. Yes I was damn hungry tapi aku sendiri pun tak kesah... Hahahaha. So sweet lah Along. Risau yea Ija tak lunch lagi ? Huhu. I love you lahh Along.

You see, even little things can touch my heart.

ngeng.

one step back.

2011-02-26T00:11:00.000-08:00

Today my family is having a family dinner to celebrate Along's birthday and my dad's promotion. He is invited. And I've informed him days ago... and he said "tengoklah dulu"....
And today is the day, but then no one is saying a word to anyone. Not to the fact that our relationship is on the rocks now, but then I think, it is still too early. I don't want to repeat the same mistake I did with my ex before. Meeting the parents is a big step. It can bring different meaning. It's time for me to face reality. Yeah we can plan about the future. "Lagi berapa tahun mahu nikah ? Tunang nak berapa tahun ? Nak kahwin kat mana ? Nak duduk mana ? Kerja apa ? Anak nak berapa orang ? " Plan lah macam macam. But the reality is that, kalau takde jodoh, tak kemana jugak.....

So I'm taking things slow. After what had happened, I almost lose him. Or I almost walk away... My dreams would be shattered. All the things I berangan with him would vanished just like that. And plus, I don't think he would want to meet my family now either. Our relationship lately is as cold as ice. We're giving each other time to recover from what had happened. And I'm telling you, I miss us so much. fucking much...

Ramai orang cakap, "babe, you are still too young for commitments" .... First I thought, that is all I ever wanted. To settle down fast and have a normal happy family lifestyle. But then as reality checks in, I realise, maybe they are right. Banyak benda terbentang depan mata yang belum aku terokai. I should live my life to the fullest. An it would have been nice if I can do all that with you by my side. So, I'm replanning my lifetime plan again. There's a lot of construction needed. I'm trying to be strong now. No more blood and tears.

ngeng.

A.I

2011-02-25T09:18:00.000-08:00

I realised, being an emotionally fragile only makes me weak. Drama just can't get enough of me. I've been through shits and hard times. I think of little things too much and I end up getting myself hurt. It is just so silly. One day, maybe 10 years from now, I will laugh at myself knowing how lame I can be sometimes. Beyond stupidity. I had enough. So I'm trying to turn over a new leaf. A new person who I can rely on - myself. I'll try not to need anything from anyone, even if it's affection. I let my emotions instead of my mind get all over me. I don't wanna be weak anymore. I don't want people to see me as a weak person. I've learned a few things or two and I'll definitely will keep them in mind.

Hello world, this is Alaina Ibrahim :)

*finger crossed

ngeng.

Good things are yet to come.. i hope.

2011-02-25T08:49:00.000-08:00

He texted me while I was on my way back home to K.L. Though I dont trust him, but I think he was sincere. Tears were running down my face. Ouhh how I wish I can stop things from happened. And how I wish we can be like before. Only better...

As usual..I have to wait.. hmmmm :(

ngeng.

si terlebih emosi

2011-02-17T09:01:00.000-08:00

Sumpah sebak tengok Adamaya... first time tengok. Even tak follow every episode, still, the ones yg aku sempat tgk betul betul menyentuh hati. Patutlah dulu dia sebok sangat nak balik awal taknak miss Adamaya. Haih lahh..

Masih ada ke orang yang macam Adam ? Itu lelaki yang layak digelar suami. Mana boleh aku dapatkan orang macam tu ? Masih wujudkah ? Ohh, lupa. Tu kan dari cerita drama T.V.... khayalan semata-mata. Kalau lah perlu berada dalam khayalan utk dapat lelaki yang bergelar suami begitu, aku sanggup tak berpijak di bumi yang nyata sampai bila-bila.

Haih Phye, bersyukur dengan apa yang kau ada. Kau tak nampak lagi...mungkin kau terlalu meragui...

Aku bukan apa...aku takut utk mempercayai..aku paling takut, sakit !

ngeng.

God has a plan for me.

2011-02-16T06:11:00.000-08:00

All my life - or every other girl's life , all we want is someone we can look up to.
Someone that we adore so much.
Someone we can call "sayang"
Someone we know will be there for us through ups and downs.
Someone we feel secure with.
Someone who can protect us from any harm.
Someone that we can call... " my hero "

I used to have one. One that is really it. Until I let him slipped away.

Ada orang pernah cakap kat aku.. ex-girlfriend dia pernah cakap kat dia masa dorang break...

" mungkin Tuhan tarik saya ni sebab nak bagi awak yang lagi baik "

*mulianya kau merendahkan diri. Aku kagum.

Tapi aku tertanya, Tuhan tarik dia utk bagi aku yang lagi baik kah ? Ohh tidak. Aku yang lepaskan dia utk cari yang lagi baik. Persoalannya, berjayakah aku ? Itu, hanya Tuhan yang tahu. Aku bukan orang baik utk dapat yang baik. Tapi aku juga bukan orang jahat utk terima kejahatan. Evenso, I have no regrets. Satu konklusi yang aku belajar dari sketsa kehidupan ini - Yang lepas tiada guna penyesalan, bersyukur dengan apa yang ada sekarang. And you are God's creation for me sayang.

God has a plan for all of us. And I'm sure, He only wants what's the best for His servants.

ngeng.

bonding again..

2011-02-14T09:37:00.000-08:00

Umi, i miss you. I had fun going out with you last Saturday. It seems like we haven't been doing mother-daughter stuff for quite a long time. What happen between us mom ? I used to be your golden child. Lately we've been fighting non-stop. It's like whatever I do seems to be wrong to you. And whatever you say seems to annoy me. I'm sorry if I was so rude to you. I didn't mean it. I know I break your heart too many times. I promise you to do my very best for this final and go to Gombak. I will try my best to make you proud again like how I used to when I was in school. I really miss you Umi. You know that you're the best mother in the world kan ? No one can ever beat you. What you've done for me, especially during PMR and SPM, I will never forget it. I will tell my children one day what a great grandmother they have.

Thank you Umi, for giving birth to me. Ija sayang Umi.

p/s: I love you too Ayah :)

ngeng.

hopeless valentine

2011-02-14T05:31:00.001-08:00

For those who know me very well, they will say I am someone who likes romantic stuff...jenis yang when it comes to love, I like to make the impossible things to happen. Kononnya cam not a hopeless romantic lahh. Though I don't believe it's true. I just...love the feeling of being in love. I like to have someone in my life that I can call sayang...that I can call everynight and say I love you..someone that I can laugh and cry for. So that's why, every little things pun I take it seriously. Like birthdays, Valentines, anniversaries...bila ada occasion like this, I like to make it pop ! Semangat nak celebrate..sebab to me, through these occasions, kita boleh tunjukkan tanda kita hargai kekasih kita. Sama jugak mcm konsep Mother's Day, Father's Day...semua tu utk kita tunjukkan penghargaan and kasih sayang kita. So tak salah kan kalau aku semangat2 for such occasions like this ???

However....

My first Valentine with him didn't go so well. I guess I should have not celebrate it in the first place. What I planned, satu pun tak jadi. And die macam tak happy je dengan hadiah yang aku bagi ? Or dia memang mcm tu ?

To tell the truth, I was kinda dissapointed. Yeah I know it's just another stupid Valentine celebration. The thing is, I never celebrate Valentine. Even dengan my previous ex pun tak penah celebrate. I mean, yeah we wished each other but then we didn't really celebrate it. No present and stuff, takde nak gi dating2 cam orang lain ke ape. So technically, this is my first time ever celebrate Valentine. And it turned out to be like...nothing really happen. I should have not be too excited so I wouldn't felt this way. Tu orang kata jangan high hope sangat nnt takut kecewa. I wanted to try actually. Nak tau ape rase celebrate this " love festive" ... tapi takde unsur romantik langsung.. hahaha..okay dah. This is my first and last Valentine celebration. Lepas ni, birthday sajalah. But it's okay... I had so much fun karaoke-ing with him and his friends yesterday (though my romantic dinner plan with him had to cancelled, damn!) still...first time jumpa mommy. Memang semua kepala gatai lah boleh cakap. Ada je bahan... though cam kecewa semalam tapi aku gelak smpi terkeluar air mata, okay lahh tu.

ngeng.

i'm too ugly.

2011-02-13T21:01:00.000-08:00

Antara 10 sifat buruk aku.

1) Sang pencemburu

2) Si emosi

3) Pendek akal

4) Kalut

5) Butuh perhatian

6) Pekak kadang-kadang

7) MELATAH

8) Lurus bendul

9) Kasar

10) Kuat meroyan

Boleh kau tak menyampah dengan sebahagian dari aku ini ?

ngeng.

"besar ganjarannya utk org yg sabar "

2011-02-12T09:03:00.000-08:00

Bila umi tanya pasal dia, macam-macam yang aku ceritakan. Yang baik-baik sahaja. Perihal dia kiri kanan diapit betina, hanya Islam pada nama dan aku yang ketiga, tetap menjadi rahsia. Bila pikir-pikir balik, berbaloikah ini semua ? Dia pernah pesan pada aku, "besar ganjarannya utk org yang sabar"....tahukah dia apa ganjaran yang aku harapkan sebenarnya ?

Setiap kali itu, aku pejamkan mata, tarik nafas panjang, bayangkan dia di depan aku, lantas aku tersenyum dan acapkalinya aku hantarkan sms "i miss you sayang".... yang gundah gulana hilang terbang saat aku imaginasikan ukiran senyuman di bibirnya.

Kalau pandang yang jahat saja, mmg porak-peranda lah dunia. Begitupun, sampai bila ??? Yang mahu tunggunya, aku. Sabar sajalah.

ngeng.

painphobic.

2011-02-11T03:48:00.000-08:00

I have second thoughts. Despite all of your effort to make it up to me, I find it still hard for me to believe you again. You see, I have trust issues. Especially when it comes to emotions and feelings. I am emotionally-fragile. And trust is like a mirror. You can fix it if it's broken but you can still see a crack in the reflection.

Aku taknak hari-hari aku risau kau pergi mana, buat apa, dengan siapa.
Aku taknak malam-malam aku risau apa akan jadi masa depan kita kelak.
Aku taknak masa-masa aku terisi dengan bayangan yang sukar aku lupakan.
Aku kira, kau juga pasti taknak kan ?

Apa yang aku nak.
Hari-hari aku tenang tanpa perlu risau agenda harian kau.
Malam-malam aku nyenyak tanpa tangisan dalam hati dan titisan air mata.
Masa-masa aku tidak terabai dengan hal hal remeh dalam percintaan.

Tolong. Tolong aku. Aku ingin hidup tenang. Aku bukan paranoia. Kenapa perlu aku risau ini semua sedangkan aku boleh hidup bahagia ? Boleh kau berikan itu pada aku ? Pinta aku mudah. Kau pun tahu. Tolong betulkan ini semua. Aku penat nak hidup dalam ketakutan terbesar aku. Tolong lah yang itu datangnya bukan dari kau kali ini. Aku dah penat.

Kau tak pernah tanya aku, apa benda yang paling aku takutkan sekali ? Cuba kau tanya, tengok apa aku jawab ?

ngeng.

pantang aku.

2011-02-07T05:20:00.000-08:00

Pantang aku bila orang kacau aku tidur. Tapi demi kau, aku bangunkan juga.
Pantang aku bila orang tinggalkan aku terkedek dibelakang. Tapi demi kau, aku lajukan langkah.
Pantang aku bila orang tipu aku macam-macam. Tapi demi kau, aku purakan kepercayaan.
Pantang aku bila orang ayat manis. Tapi demi kau, aku tenggelam dalam setiap kata.
Pantang aku bila aku diduakan. Tapi demi kau, aku tetap bertahan.
Kalau aku yang dulu, hancur hidup kau.

Bodoh kah aku ? Ya.

Aku bodoh kerana terlalu sayangkan kau. Aku tak minta dipuja, disanjung. Tapi kalau kau boleh temui perempuan lain yang sanggup terima apa yang kau gampangkan, yang sanggup masih setia menunggu kau dengan hati yang hancur remuk macam apa yang aku lalui sekarang ini, kau pergilah. Kirimkan salam aku padanya.

ngeng.

butuh perhatian.

2011-02-04T06:36:00.000-08:00

I'm lonely. So lonely. I always miss you lately. I know you're always busy with your work and stuff. And you don't like texting that much. But I really miss you. I miss my man.

What I miss the most, is when the first time we text. We just couldn't stop til morning. I felt the most attention from you. Hmm....

It's okay. I understand... I'll get used to it eventually..

ngeng.

suddenly, i'm the blacksheep.

2011-02-03T06:54:00.000-08:00

3rd Feb 2011, 2.13 a.m

" UMI TERLALU KECEWA DGN IJA. AMBIL PELAJARAN TERLALU MUDAH ! BAYANGKAN KALAU IJA DI BARKAN DARI MENGAMBIL PEPERIKSAAN. APA NAK JADI KALAU IJA HANYA SPM HOLDER ! DIBERI OTAK YG BAGUS TAPI DISALAH GUNAKAN ! KAMI SEMUA DAH BOSAN DGN ATTITUDE IJA N KALAU DAH HANYA SPM HOLDER JGN MENYESAL DAN SALAHKAN DIRI SENDIRI. NANTI KAWAN2 ADA DEGREE TAPI IJA......TOLONGLAH CUKUP IJA BUAT PERANGAI MCM NI. UMI DAH TAK LARAT DGN IJA YG AMBIL PERKARA TERLALU MUDAH. OH YE, ALONG DAPAT OFFER BELAJAR MASTER KAT SCOTLAND....ALHAMDULILLAH DAN SEDANG BERUSAHA NAK DPT BIASISWA... "

You shouldn't have said those last 3lines mom....

Yeah I know I play around a lot. I skipped classes and stuffs. But I'm not stupid. Just a bit lazy. Dari nak rasa menyesal terus rasa lagi nak rebel. I need some encouragement, not condemination. Or any glint of it. And if by comparing me with Along and show off what a damn brilliant good daughter she is compared to me is your idea of encouraging... don't blame me if I never get a degree.

p/s: Btw, congrats Along. You deserve it. I love you.

ngeng.

aku bukan malaikat.

2011-02-01T11:42:00.001-08:00

Untuk aku membimbing orang, aku sendiri kena betul. Lepas ni kalau nmpk perubahan secara tiba-tiba aku, jangan cakap itu hanya wayang. Aku pun mmg dah jauh dari Tuhan. Laknatullah aku ni. Mungkin ini petunjuk aku untuk kembali ke pangkal jalan. Aku hanya mampu sekadar mana aku mampu. Aku bukan malaikat. Tapi aku boleh jadi manusia.

p/s: Boleh ke aku bimbing orang ?

ngeng.

jangan macam macam.

2011-02-01T00:51:00.000-08:00

Pantang aku kalau aku baik di sini, di sana lain pula ceritanya. Jangan bunuh kepercayaan aku. Jangan khabarkan aku cerita palsu. Aku beri ruang, belajar untuk memahami. Sudah aku bilang, walau perit mana sekali pun, aku perlu tahu. Jangan bodohi aku. Tapi aku percaya kau. Kadang-kadang aku tak faham percaturan kau. Moga kau tahu apa kau yang aturkan.

Pesan aku satu, JANGAN MACAM-MACAM.

ngeng.

Ten.

2011-01-31T00:25:00.000-08:00

One confession.

I'M IN LOVE WITH MY EX'S FRIEND.

damn.

ngeng.

Nine.

2011-01-31T00:19:00.000-08:00

Two smileys that describe your life right now.

;)

;p

I dont really know how to do smileys. Pfft.

ngeng.

Eight.

2011-01-30T23:55:00.000-08:00

Three turn ons.

There are so many things that can turn me on. These are the most important ones.

1) Body odour. Weird thing about me is that I love to smell my man's armpit. The smellier it gets, the more turn on I am.

2) Boobies. I like hot girls.

3) To see my man do something he's good in.

ngeng.

Seven.

2011-01-30T23:46:00.000-08:00

Four turn offs.

Guys, please please don't have these 4 things.

1) Bossy.

2) Hot tempered.

3) Non stop talking.

4) Stupid stupid lame jokes that ain't funny at all.

ngeng.

Six.

2011-01-30T23:36:00.000-08:00

Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)

1) My family esp my mom, my dad and Zafran !
2) Orang tua sayang.
3) Diane, Anis, Amal.
4) Fie, Dayang, Anoi, Syira.
5) Didi, Hatim, Nabil.

I list them in categories. Not particularly one person.

ngeng.

Five.

2011-01-30T21:47:00.000-08:00

Six things you wish you'd never done.

I hate regrets. But then, regrets taught me a lot in life eventhough I somehow tend to repeat it over and over again. All these things, I wish I can turn back time and undo it.

1) I wish I never betray my little sister, Gurl.

2) I wish I was never a lesbo.

3) This thing no 3 is something very private.

4) I wish I never pray in that small room in STF.

5) I wish I didn't eat too much after broke up with Syafiq when I was 13 years old. Cause that was when I started to gain weight.

6) I wish I never hit my mom when we were fighting when I was 13 years old.

ngeng.

Four.

2011-01-30T21:38:00.000-08:00

Seven things that cross your mind a lot.

1) My love life.

2) Kiamat and hereafter.

3) Money.

4) My future.

5) Ciggies.

6) Studies.

7) Marriage.

ngeng.

Three.

2011-01-30T05:10:00.000-08:00

Eight ways to win your heart.

It's not that hard to impress me. I think it'll be less than eight ways. But I'll think of something...don't worry..I'm not that fussy.

1) Don't be too nice. I hate it when a guy shows it too much that he loves me more than he should. I like it when a guy plays " hard to get " but when in reality, he loves me so damn much. Show a lil bit of ego. A little bit only. Cause I tend to feel "rimas" with too nice guys.

2) Give full attention to me. Especially when we are on a date or just hanging out with friends. I hate it when a guy constantly check his phone or texting all the time when he's with me. I mean, hello ??? I'm infront of you. Who could possibly be more important than me that you has to entertain at that particular time ??

3) I like surprises. It doesn't have to be with presents or stuff. Just by coming and see me in certain occasion when I'm not expecting it is more than just enough.

4) Sweet talks. * but not too sweet yang mcm jiwang keparat ke ape. I mean just a simple but sweet, sweet talks. I feel more appreciated.

5) If a guy wants me, show some effort. Not the other way round. Prove to me that he actually is for real and want to take us to the next level.

6) Knows how to make me laugh. Especially when I'm in certain mood that needs to be calm. Like when I'm angry, or crying or just feeling a bit gloomy...all that emotions can just go away when he makes jokes. And please, not stupid jokes !

7) Acknowlegde my presence. Introduces me to his friends and family *family kalau dah serious sangat lah. Bring me along to any activities that he and his friends are attending. Like watching a football match or whatsoever. Doesn't have to be all the time. I get it that guys like their quality time with their friends. But, once in a while, when I'm not busy or has nothing to do at all, bring me along. I hate it when a guy feels like bringing me along is leceh or malas. It's as if he do not take me seriously.

8) Be gentleman. I hate rude guys. Pentingkan the term "ladies first". Like when we go out, be a gentleman by picking me up and sent me back home safely. If he really do care about me, I'm sure he'll make sure of my safetyness aite ? And plus, it is more appropriate that way bila bawak anak dara orang keluar jalan jalan kata my mom. Haha.

It's not that hard to win my heart kan ??

ngeng.

Two.

2011-01-30T05:00:00.000-08:00

Nine things about yourself.

1) I can be a bit spoilbratt sometimes.

2) I'm clingy.

3) I'm the youngest in my family. So yeah, I do get pampered a lot.

4) I'm not that spenthrift. Definitely not a shopaholic.

5) I can cook and I lololove to cook !

6) I love to eat too. I can eat non stop, all day long.

7) My fav no is 14.

8) I don't eat biscuits, breads or chocolates unless if I suddenly crave for it.

9 ) Have a soft spot for guys with braces or afro hair :)

ngeng.

One.

2011-01-30T04:37:00.000-08:00

Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.

1) I love you orang tua - Shin Chan

2) Fcuk you sis ! I should have punched you harder the other day - My sis, Farah

3) I love you, but please stop nagging mom ! - My mom.

4) Can you please leave him alone ? I love him and you already have a bf. Go away - T.J.

5) I need you so bad. I miss you so much - Diane.

6) You talk too much - Ami.

7) Can I get married early ? - My Dad.

8) What's with the constant texting lately ? - Cham.

9) I hope you're okay with everything - Didi Abg Syg.

10) We have 2 freaking quizzes tomorrow - Fie.

ngeng.

Diane's surveys.

2011-01-30T04:26:00.000-08:00

I'm freaking bored right now. So I decided to do Diane's surveys. Day one til day ten.

Day One : Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day Two : Nine things about yourself.
Day Three : Eight ways to win your heart.
Day Four : Seven thing that cross your mind a lot.
Day Five : Six things you wish you'd never done.
Day Six : Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)
Day Seven : Four turn offs.
Day Eight : Three turn ons.
Day Nine : Two smileys that describe your life right now.
Day Ten : One confession.

I know according to it, we have to do it in each day for ten days. But I'm so freaking bored right now, I think I can do it all in just one night. Just pretend that I do it accordingly k...

ngeng.

shin chan :)

2011-01-30T00:40:00.000-08:00

Nak cakap.. tapi segan. Taknak awak kembang.

Dari mula saya kenal awak, sampai sekarang, baru 2 bulan kot. Tapi banyak sgt perubahan awak. Muda 3 tahun penampilan awak sekarang. Masa hari Jumaat tu, saya terkejot tengok awak bila jumpa kat tuuuut.. Cair hati saya. Betul betul terpikat.... :)

Tapi macam mana pun awak, saya tetap sayang awak. ;)

p/s: Suka yang badan besar.

ngeng.

sober for 365 days a year

2011-01-27T20:12:00.001-08:00

Dah taknak cakap ape ape. Aku buat terus ! Maafkan aku buat kau kecewa sangat. Takde lagi janji manis. Aku takkan berkata apa. Yang cuma, harapan menggunung aku untuk kau lihat sendiri. Orang kata jangan berubah sebab orang lain. Berubah sebab diri sendiri. Tapi makin aku rasakan, orang lain bisa jadi titik permulaan setiap penghijrahan, Dan mungkin, kau lah titik aku itu. Yea aku akan berhijrah. Mungkin tak besar, tapi cukup untuk aku buktikan pada kau yang aku, bukan lah perempuan yang hanya pandai berkata. Okay stop sini.

Nanti kata aku ayat manis.

ngeng.

please don't linger around anymore,

2011-01-26T18:36:00.000-08:00

I don't know why, this past few days, I keep thinking about him. The other one. The old one. Of the good and bad things. I don't know wether this is me missing him or this is me just thinking about him. What's the difference ? Herm.. Before I proceed, may I say to whom it may concern... sayang, if you're reading this, please don't be offended. I'm over him, just that suddenly I feel like blogging about him. And I promise you, this post means nothing at all. I have love you now, and only you, no one else. Jangan terase yea org tua ? Saya sayang awak je tau.

27 Jan 2011, 2.10 a.m

" Aku dihantui dgn ap yg kau bwt. Lynan gampang kau yg bwt aku mcm anjing, kecurangan kau. Evn aku baek dgn yana skrg, aku ttp akn tringat ap kau bwt stiap kali pndg die. Seteruk2 aku, tkpnh skali pn aku curang kt kau. Aku tkdendam dgn kau tp smpi mati aku akn egt. "

27 Jan 2011, 2.37 a.m

" Aku tgh dgr lgu yakinlah aku menjemputmu. Hmm..kau tetap cinta mati aku pa..kau tetap yg trbaik. Satu bnd aku tkkn lupakan spnjg couple dgn kau..mata kau setiap kali sbelum tido ms same2 dulu..cr kau pndg...aku nmpk kau nk ckp yg kau sayang aku sgt smpi mati..thanks 4 evrythg pa..sbb pnh sayang aku sgt2. Mgkin tkkn ad org yg blh sayang aku mcm kau sayang aku.. Ampunkan segala salah silap dan lynan gampang aku kt kau selama ni. Aku rindu sgt nak pgl kau boo..smpi mati aku tkkn lupakn kau..true love aku. Jaga diri azfar..aisetilefyu. "

Those are the texts I gave him last night. Dan itu..adalah message terakhir aku untuk kau...kerna aku dah lepaskan segalanya. Segala kenangan dan segala kehadiran kau dalam hidup aku. Walaupun sekilas, aku lepaskan semuanya. Aku teruskan perjalanan hidup aku dengan orang baru yg hadir menemani aku. Biarpun bukan aku yg terpenting dalam hidup si dia, tapi aku redha kalau ini balasanNya untuk aku. Aku ampunkan dosa kau pada aku..dan aku pohon kemaafan kau juga. Moga suatu hari nnt, kita boleh bertentang mata tanpa punya apa perasaan dan mampu tersenyum tanda hormat. Jaga diri.

ngeng.

i love you to death is not that cliche to me,

2011-01-25T05:53:00.000-08:00

Kalau orang yang taktau cerita, akan suruh aku blahh.

" Jangan jadi bodoh Phye. Kalau sayang, bukan mcm tu caranya. Kenapa kau sanggup dia ada yang kedua? "

Apa yang dorang taktau, when I look into his eyes, I see the sincerity. I know that he loves me too...just as much as I love him. Sometimes aku pon wonder betul ke dia sayang aku ? Tapi bila tengok mata dia, aku nampak. Taktau lah if this is just me being wishful thinking. But what makes it hard for him to just have me in his life, I think because he doesn't feel secure yet. I mean..apa jaminan nya yang aku takkan tinggalkan dia ? He once told me that he can leave everything behind..but what if one day, I cheated on him ? What if one day, I found another guy and leave him all alone ? I have no answer for that. All I know is that, I love him so much and nothing can ever change my feelings toward him. I really do want the only thing that can do us apart is death. I know this sounds so cliche and only happens in movies...but yeah, I really do hope that only death do us apart.

Saya takde ayat manis atau kata jaminan nak bagi kat awak. Tapi saya harap awak tau yang saya takde orang lain and takkan biarkan siapa2 pun bertakhta di hati saya melainkan awak. No matter how temptatious the temptation would be, my heart only belongs to you. And I will keep it that way. I'm not an angel. I'm only human...saya hanya boleh buat apa yang termampu. The rest, is up to you.

Please be fair to me. For 7 years you can be faithful to someone else whom you love to death, physically and emotionally. Why can't you now ? You have nothing to lose cause I won't dissapoint you.

ngeng.

aku lg suka mkn pedal dari mkn hati,

2011-01-23T06:34:00.000-08:00

Sometimes you can be very disrespectful. Tapi aku tahan. Because this is what I put myself into. People warned me before. Even you too. It's okay... Aku tak makan hati pun. Tapi lama-lama nanti kurus lah aku. Turun lagi 10 kg. Thanks lah. Awak memang terbaik ! Sebab tu saya sayang awk sangat sangat ! muah muah muah !!!!

ngeng.

if only...

2011-01-17T20:59:00.000-08:00

If only I can sing to you.

If only I can run with you.

If only we can hold hands.

If only I can kiss you whenever I want.

If only I can hug you and never let go.

If only I can be with you all day long.

If only I can have you for myself.

If only we don't have to hide anything.

If only the world knows that I love you.

If only they know we are in love.

If only I'm the only one.

If only you were mine...

If only....

I'll wait till the day comes, and be the happiest person on earth. I love you sayang.

ngeng.

nights for you.

2011-01-14T11:08:00.000-08:00

I hate waiting for people even if I'm not told to do so. I wish you would just open your eyes and see me. Sometimes, I feel unappreciated. Herm.

ngeng.

asshole

2011-01-12T18:37:00.000-08:00

Sometimes you make me feel sick of you. I don't know you anymore. Or I'm just beginning to ? Either way, I don't like what I'm seeing. You're becoming this selfish bitch that I really hate. And it's a shame..cause I thought you're my friend ? I'm just so tired of your shits okay ? So please, go find another ghost. Thank you.

ngeng.

this feeling is not for you.

2011-01-11T06:18:00.000-08:00

Dalam kelas, lecturer bebel panjang, fikiran kau melayang.
Drive pulang rumah, meniti lebuhraya penuh kereta, fikiran kau menyesal.
Bermain bola di padang, kawan-kawan ramai, fikiran kau mengharap kewujudan aku.
Baring di dalam bilik, mata mula terpejam, fikiran kau tertanya mengapa.
Saat kau sendirian hari-hari. Penyesalan, persoalan tak sudah.
Rindu, sayang, benci, geram.
Sudah terlambat.
Dulu intan permata kau ada, kau siakan.
Sekarang kau tuduh itu semua kaca.
Nasi sudah jadi bubur.
Usah kau ratapi..aku lepaskan kau pergi.

Kisah kita sudah lama berlalu. Aku aman kini...bahagia aku makin hampiri. Kenangan tetap aku hargai. Semoga berjaya. Aku akan tetap doakan yang terbaik utk kau. Jaga diri.

ngeng.

my type

2011-01-11T01:04:00.000-08:00

I'm a simple girl. I never ask too much in anything. Do you want to know what makes me fall for a guy ? If that guy has all these 4 characteristics....

1- Tak keding ! Sebab aku suke peluk and dipeluk. Nak berpeluk dengan orang keding bapaklah rase cam peluk kayu je... turn off !!

2- Ada kereta ! Tak kesah la kereta apa pun..kancil skalipun aku terima je asal boleh bergerak dengan senang. Bukan nak kata materialistik..tapi kalau boleh bila nak jumpa tu senang lah ade transport. Takat duit minyak and tol, boleh tong2 kan..

3- Pandai amek hati aku ! Boleh buat aku gelak even aku tengah sedih or marah...sebab aku suka gelak..suka nak happy2....so janganlah nak serious sangat je kan...

4- Biarlah rahsia !! Hhahahaha....keyword jela, pandai layan aku :)

Haaaaa so sape agak- agaknya ada all 4 characteristics, datang minang terosss ! hee :p

ngeng.

kau depan aku.

2011-01-11T00:43:00.000-08:00

Orang cakap, bila kita jatuh cinta buat kali pertama, semua rasa kita serahkan pada si dia. Sampai takde ape lg yg tinggal dalam diri. Bila cinta tidak kesampaian dan bertemu orang baru, perasaan yang pernah ada dengan kekasih lama, mustahil utk ada dengan kekasih baru. Sayang ye, cinta mungkin ye. Tapi utk sampai ke tahap maksimum seperti sebelum ini, mustahil utk perasaan itu wujud kembali.

Aku mungkin bukan yang pertama. Kau juga bukan. Rasa dalam diri mungkin belum maha. Ayat boleh disusun semanis mungkin, tapi itu hakikat dan aku sedang berlaku jujur. Tapi yang pasti, aku sayang kau...dan kau adalah orang yang cocok utk aku serahkan semula semua yang pernah ada dalam diri ini. Pinta aku, percayailah aku, kataku bukan dusta, niat aku bukan sandiwara. Buka hati kau...lihat sekeliling. Aku ada di depan kau. Jangan langkahkan mata. We never know what's infront of us until it's gone. Kan ?

ngeng.

tears of joy,

2011-01-08T10:03:00.000-08:00

*ringtone Parachute by Cheryl Cole

P: " Hello ? "
A: " Sayang... ? "
P: " Yea... ? "
A: " I love you "

Dubbbbb ! *hati jatuh....cair.

Lahai.....do you know that sometimes you can be soooo cute ??? With that simple 3 words, you make me melt at every inch of my heart. I'm so touched I feel like crying. Do I really capture your heart sayang ? Do you really love me that much ? * mcm bintang di langit....( okay itu sangat jiwang...but I get the point and I lololove it ! hahahaha )

Heyy guess what ? I LOVE YOU MORE ! Yeah I do, so effin much ! :)

ngeng.

sempurna itu bukan aku.

2011-01-08T07:25:00.000-08:00

Aku tak secantik Balqis. Hati tak setulus Zulaikha. Kudrat lemah tak sekuat Sarah. Dan tak seistimewa Khadijah. Aku manusia jijik yang penuh dengan kecacatan dan penyesalan. Seluas alam keburukan.

Aku takut. Saat kau mengenali sifat hodoh aku, masihkah kau sudi menyayngi aku seperti mana sekarang ? Pinta aku satu, jangan pernah hilang.... :'(

ngeng.

dont toss my love in the trash.

2011-01-05T00:53:00.000-08:00

Please don't leave me. I love you so much.

Ada orang tanya semalam.... " kau sanggup tunggu dia sampai setahun ? " Menunggu orang aku sanggup. Nak tahan, secara jujur, aku taktau. Tapi kalau sesuatu itu berbaloi, sampai mati pun aku sanggup. Herm. Ayat manis kan aku ? Tak. Ini tekad aku.

Kulit aku tebal, hati aku kebal. Takpe.

ngeng.

watch me burn.

2011-01-04T14:26:00.000-08:00

This is the second time I stayed up for things that really dissapoint me in life. It's almost 7 am and I just can't sleep thinking how much things really screw up in my life. I hate being honest. I hate being faithful to someone that just ain't worth it. I wish I could stay away from heartbreakers. I really wish I could. But it seems like I always end up with one and had a broken heartache. You see, I was trying to play with fire without getting burned. I guess it's just impossible. I'm giving up. Unless if you give me reasons, solid reasons why I should not.

ngeng.

great new year.

2011-01-01T02:41:00.000-08:00

Had my new year kiss from the one I want it to be. My new year wish came true.

Thanks sayang. I love you :)

ngeng.

had enough.

2010-12-30T11:36:00.000-08:00

I'm at a point where I'm bursting and blowing my brains out. I just can't handle anything anymore. Am I a selfish person ? I refuse to believe so if it's true. Cause I know I'm not. What is it that I do that is so wrong and put me in this kind of situation ? This kind of feeling ? I hate this. A bad way to start my new year. I always hope for the best for everyone and myself. But why is it me who always get the shit of everything ?

I was obey but I got cheated and beat up.
I was faithful but I got dumped.
I was honest but I got played.
I was good but I got grounded.
I was nice but I got booed.

What ??? Is it too much that I'm asking for ? Or I asked the wrong person ? What ? Is it so hard to appreciate me ? Is it so hard to just treat me nice without pretending ? What ? Where do I go wrong ??????? Just freaking tell me !

I'm a mess when I'm alone. Damn I'm lonely. I'm honest to give all of my love and determination. I'm offering something that is so pure, why refuse ?

Yeah maybe you're right. I can't live without love. Screw you. I'll prove you wrong.

People tend to bring us down. So from now on, I'll try not to need anything from anyone. Kannn Diane ? Wish you're here babe :'(

ngeng.

ridin solo

2010-12-30T10:15:00.000-08:00

I'm moving on with my life with or without you. If you want me to want you, let's roll with me. But if you don't, fine. Suit yourself, you are free to go.

I am talking to you. Yeah you.

ngeng.

auumm auumm !

2010-12-29T11:00:00.000-08:00

Kau ni takdelah handsome sangat. Tapi tadi aku tengok kat t.v cam handsome lah pulak tetibe. Ahh yang kat bawah ni tetap pujaan hati aku. HAHA. Ape pun thankslah kasi score tadi. Malaysia boleh ! Go go go power rimau !! Auum auum ! hee :)

Dek wan napo injured laie ? Cepatlah sihat k ? Nak tgk kau atas padang lagi. Kau sebab aku rajin pegi tengok bola Malaysia tau ! Hee :)

p/s: fuck Ayu Raudhah !

ngeng.

good things are hard to get.

2010-12-29T09:20:00.000-08:00

There are 5 stages. I've went through stage 1.

Hellllooooooo stage 2 ! Damn.

damn u. Ada stage2 pulakk kan ? Takpe. If this is what you have to do to see I wasn't lying and sincere to you, fine. I'll take your challenge. Bak tang ! Haha. :)

p/s: easy come, easy go. tak senang datang, tak senang pergilah kan ? hmmm.

ngeng.

u give me candy so that i'll stop crying.

2010-12-29T09:04:00.000-08:00

"jelmaan semula ex ***** " ???

herm....taktau it's a good thing or a bad thing. Either way, I take it as a compliment.
Aku anggap as pujian walaupun aku tak sure benda ni positif or negatif. Haha. Aku nangis kau pujuk cam budak kecik yea ? Bengong. Hahaha.

Thanks for trying to make me laugh. I like you even more now. :)

ngeng.

aku benci perkataan "blahh"

2010-12-29T07:56:00.000-08:00

babi babi babi pantek. haa dah lama tak mencarut. kimak seyh apesal aku cam jiwa kacau gile ni ? ehh tolonglah phye. kau bukan jenis cepat tacink kan ? apesal seyh kau mcm ni ? stop lah nangis. stoplah. rosak keyboard kau ni kang. mencurah-curah air mata atas keyboard ni. please stop. last time aku nangis mcm ni masa dalam kereta kay baru lepas hantar chacha. aku menangis kaw2 punya tak ingat orang sampai kay pun taktau nak buat ape. kau nak cakap aku yang soh kau blahh dulu ? wehh kalau aku nak kau blahh, takde aku mcm org bodoh lahh tunggu kau. haih. sumpah aku taknak kau blahh. bukan sebab ape yg kita dah buat. tapi sebab aku sayang kau. aku taktau kenapa and macam mane aku boleh sayang kau. hati aku mmg lembut. kau pun tanya aku kenapa kan ? aku honestly tak dapat jawab kenapa. tapi satu yang aku tau, bila dengan kau, aku rasa selamat and secure. aku rasa macam selesa ada kau. bila kau peluk aku, aku rase macam kau akan protect aku dari apa pun. fizikal, mental, emosi. memang tu yang aku nak. semua perempuan akan nak satu perasaan selamat dengan kekasih dorang. and aku dapat rasa tu bila dgn kau. herm..bodoh kan ? entah pape lah. aku menangis lagi. aku benci menangis lahhh ! aku bukan cengeng yg cepat nangis so bile once aku nangis, aku susah nak stop ! fcuk lahhh.. aku nak kau. tapi aku taknak kau kalau kau taknak aku. aku taknak kau semak. aku taknak kau pikir aku ikat kau. jgn sbb ape yg kite dah buat, kau fikir kau kena stay. taknak !! aku nak kau stay sbb kau nak ! sbb kau sayang aku. bukan sbb kau bertanggungjawab. kau laki. aku perempuan. aku paham. tapi aku taknak kau treat aku mcm yg sepatut kau treat aku bila bnd2 mcm ni jadi. ape yg kite buat aku tak anggap as a mistake. so kau tak perlu tebus ape2 dengan aku. kalau kau takde hati kat aku, aku relakan kau pergi. aku okay. bukan sekali aku penah patah hati. herm...kalau tanya kata hati, mmg taknak kau pergi. tapi kalau itu yg kau nak, pergi. walau apa pun, aku tetap akan sayang kau. sbb hati aku dah bg kat kau. haa amek kau ! kan dah mcm jiwang aku haa. tu lah aku dah ckp aku cam jiwa kacau sikit. tapi aku tak tacink ea. aku bukan emo. tolonglah. yea aku sedikit drama queen. tapi aku tersangat lah bukan emo punya orang. herm. sayang kau.

ngeng.

erased memory,

2010-12-28T10:32:00.000-08:00

Someone once planned to go out on a date with me a few weeks ago. I wasn't excited. I was scared. It seems like..I haven't been on a date for quite some time. I can't even remember when was the last time I dated. Like seriously ! Pathetic aite ? I used to be good in this. I mean the flirting, the topics to chat about, how to keep the conversation interesting and stuff...I used to know these stuffs. But now...I don't even have a clue ! But screw the date now. It ain't gonna happen.

I forgot a lot of things. I forgot how does a true kiss feels like, the feeling of being madly in love, the joy of success, the happiness in every celebration. I forgot it all. Like what is going on ?
All I'm asking is to be happy again. To have sparks and passion in my life. Cause it seems like...I've lost my glitter. I don't know what went wrong but I'm gonna fix it. Yeah, I'm gona fix it.

Orang kata, kalau kita go through all of it dgn yang tersayang, jadi lagi bermakna. Kalau lah aku ada.. But its okay. Aku tak butuh siapa-siapa untuk terus hidup. Aku paling benci bila orang cakap aku tak boleh hidup tanpa cinta. Aku boleh survive sendiri. Tapi tak salah kalau kite tambah seri dalam hidup kan ? Hari hari aku sekarang pun tanpa orang. Takpe. Aku tunggu... Herm so now...mcm apa yang aku ckp, no cliche resolution for me this coming new year. Aku bedal je ape pun yang terbentang untuk aku. Lets just hope the best for me okay ?

ngeng.

age is not just a number.

2010-12-27T14:21:00.000-08:00

I was picking up my sis Along from work this evening with Ed, her brother in law. While waiting, we chat a little bit. He told me that he prefers to date older women. Then I asked him why ? He said because older women are more mature. Are they ?

How about older men ? Herm.. I'm about to find out. Hee :)

How about you darly ?

ngeng.

2011

2010-12-25T11:09:00.000-08:00

Every new year, it has always been the same resolution for most people. To be better , to spent lesser, to work harder, to achieve more...bla bla bla bla. Bulls.

Well this year, no more bulls resolution for me. What I'm gonna do for the coming new year is to do whatever shit I wanna do. Dalam erti kata lain...aku bedallll je ape pun ! Ape nak jadi, jadi.

ngeng.

dear awak,

2010-12-25T03:11:00.000-08:00

Ribut taufan aku tempuh.

Maut jelma seimbas aku rasa.

Disisih seolah kurap aku kena.

Semua pernah aku hadapi.

Masalah seakan kebas dengan diri.

Ujikaji aku. Bentangkan segala musibah.

Seluas depa aku tadah, sebesar hati aku terima.

Tapi persoalannya, adakah kau berbaloi untuk semua itu ?

Jangan uji aku kalau niat sekadar ingin melihat.

Pergi jika keinginan kau bukan aku.

Seperti mana keinginan aku adalah kau.

Aku ikhlas. Tiada agenda tersembunyi.

Kebaikan kau aku dapat lihat.

Bukan sekelumit, tapi segantang.

Yang segantang itu aku kejarkan.

Mencuit hati aku saat difikirkan.

Aku boleh hidup tanpa apa-apa.

Yang aku perlu hanya Tuhan.

Tapi kenapa perlu sisihkan kurniaanNya kalau itu yang mendatang ?

Kan aku nantikan kau.

Percaya kata aku. Setiap baris bukan dusta.

Aku juga takut. Menggigil tidak terbendung.

Mungkin kau pilihan yang salah.

Nafsu bisa membutakan mata.

Yang jelas tidak terlihat.

Tapi kerana niat, aku berani.

Kerna Tuhan bersama mereka yang ikhlas.

ngeng.

how i wish i'm heartless

2010-12-24T19:47:00.000-08:00

Kenapa dengan yang ini pun jiwa dan mental aku dicabar ? Muka aku ni ada tertampal " jangan percaya perempuan ni, dia penipu tak setia" ??? Everytime aku azam nak jadi yang terbaik, mesti ada je benda yang mengundang aku. This is why aku banyak melilau lately. Aku ikhlas, aku jujur. Tolong jangan test aku. Cukuplah dengan apa yang aku dah go through sebelum ni. Tolong jangan cabar kesabaran aku. Aku takut sampai satu masa, kepercayaan dalam diri aku pun dah takde sebab orang-orang macam kau. Jangan sampai rasa cinta dan kasih sayang dalam diri aku mati. Aku taknak jadi orang heartless. Please.

ngeng.

you.

2010-12-21T07:08:00.000-08:00

Maybe his brother is right. But knowing me... I like risks. So yeah. Heyy you. I will win you.

ngeng.

desperado.

2010-12-17T01:01:00.000-08:00

I have been eating non-stop lately. Bangun terus cari makanan. I dont eat chocolate that much. But termasuk the last one, tu dah my 5th chocolate bar in two days ! What the fuck lah weh ! I dont know why and what the hell is wrong with me. Nak kata nak period, still, tak penah pulak kannn nak makan macam org kebulur gile tak penah makan. I gain 3kg back. Buang mase je diet hari tu.

I dont eat when I'm stress. I guess I'm happy now so thats why I've been eating non-stop. But when come to think of it, what am I happy for when my life is upside down ?

This is my era of desperation. Ohh please people. I'm not easy. I'm just lonely. Damn.

ngeng.

sober

2010-12-13T00:54:00.000-08:00

I have an empty book. I bought it last month and up til now I still don't know what to do with it. I can't sleep so I started writing down all the things that is playing around in my mind. And now, I'm posting it here.

I cant sleep and it's already 4.am. There's just a lot going on in my mind. Of all the things that just can't be right in my life. I know I sound so ungrateful. But that's just how life is. When things are slowly falling apart, we just can't help but keep wondering how can we let things fall in a slip second. I wonder...people keep telling me that I'm a nice person, someone that sometimes can be rely on. Not a good daughter exactly, but a good friend and a great lover. But why do I keep getting shit if I'm nice ? Aren't good people suppose to have all the nice things ?

Is it me ? Do I let things to fall apart myself ? Who on earth would want to destroy everything ? Do I really ruin my own life ? Well if I did, I'm tasting my own medicine right now.

...........

I'm broken hearted. Maybe not like the first time I had it, but it sure does hurt. I met this one girl. We started texting and flirting and fell in love- or what I thought it was. I wasn't sure if it's for real or not, but I sure let myself slipped into the seduction. I fought but I lose. I let myself go, I opened up my heart hoping that it's gonna be worth it. But it didn't. After a while, I was left all alone without reason. Reason that I would really like to know why but I never ask cause I don't think I should know. Sometimes, there are certain things better left unsaid. And so, I let all the questions left with no answer.

But yeah, I was devastated. Big time.

8th Dec 2010 - " we are done "
- " i'm in love with someone else "

Wow, thanks !

I felt like a bride who just got left on the altar. Numb, speechless - broken hearted. I could beg, I didn't. Why should I ? Or I should have ? What difference will it make ? She left me speechless. I was so clueless.

9th Dec 2010 - "it's not you, it's me "

Of course !

Not a single text from anybody. Particularly from the one I hoped it would be. You see, even we were not technically together, but I stupidly was faithful to her. I did not text or fool around with anybody exp for her. If I knew back then, I would have. Then it hits me. I should start to let it go. Things that are lost, will never come back. Even if they do, they can never be the same again.

10th Dec 2010 - " i miss you calling me baby "

Hell yeah I do.

Still going strong. Or pretending to be. Trying to focus on what's more important in my life - myself. I'm clingy. I can't be alone. And I miss her calling me "baby". No one ever call me by that nick. I used to hate it when she said " i miss you " all the time. But now that it's nowhere to be heard, I crave for it ! Longing to be missed.

11th Dec 2010 - wrong message sent.

Purposely I supposed. Bullshit.

I have not shed a single tear since she left. But that night, I lose it. I lost control of everything that kept me strong. I cried. And cried. And cried. And cried. Why ? You left me ! And now this ? What's next ? "will you marry me "BABY" ?? " Just pull the trigger and kill me will you ? Better that way. Fast, painless and subtle. I prayed to God that if he would ever want to take my life away, might as well just be that night. I'm already a living corpse.

12th Dec 2010 - I would have it another way if I dont have to call you for help.

But still, thanks for helping me.

She was the last person on earth I would ask for help. But I was desperate and she was willing to help me. Thank you. My worst regret - to cry helplessly infront of her friend. Of course she will tell her ! What was I thinking ? I couldn't help myself. I wish I could. But seeing you so close to me but yet still so far, I just cant....I cant... damn ! I saw everything. I witnessed it all. It broke my heart, yes, no deny. But I was okay knowing that you are happy. What kind of person I am to not be happy when you are ? I'm not selfish. I can't have everything I want. I used to can. But heyy, this is life. Reality comes check in anytime it wants.

13th dec 2010 - sober up

I'm okay !

So now I can't sleep. I've been avoiding from listening to any sad or love songs. I've been avoiding from looking at our pictures together. I've been avoiding going to places I know I'd probably meet her. I've been avoiding everything that could relate to her. I was too afraid that I couldn't handle it.

But not tonight.

I turn the playlist on and listen to every sad and love song there is. I scroll down our pictures one by one, staring at them at every inch. Cry myself out loud for the last time. Smoke to the last ciggie left. Flashing back all the memories - of how we met and all the fun I had with her. And when there's nothing left to do, I get my ass up, wash my face over and over again, look myself in the mirror, smile and drop everything there, leaving all the things I should have left from the moment she said " we are done ".

I'm a tough bitch ! As I walked back to my bed, I promised myself that I will never let anybody win over my heart and crush it heartlessly ever again. I will never break down and cry for something that is not worth it. I'm dying here and she's laughing there ?! No. Never again. Don't get me wrong. I'm not giving up hope on anything. It's just that, I'll never let anyone do the things she did to me.

There's a voice inside my head saying that maybe, I'm broken hearted because I didn't win. Maybe. Because I was sure that I wasn't really totally absolutely into her that much. But why am I so messed up when she left ? You see, I never get dumped. I always win. I play with my rules. And I was so stupid to let her play, her rules. It's okay. I'm not mad. I'm just - numb. I guess, it just never meant to be. And at this very moment, I'm letting it all go.

Shuuhhhhhhh shuhhhhhh ! Go away pain. Let me live painlessly.

To you.

You see, I could be the one.

Call me perasan or whatever you want. You know it's true. And it's your lost to let it slip away. HAHA. Cliche aite ? I know. But damn it's true. Cause I was determined to be it. Nevermind. Everything will be okay for me from now on. I've let it all go. I can now stare at your annoyingly beautiful eyes without crying. I never hate you and I never will despite what you've done. Cause you taught me something. Yeah you did. Something that I will forever remember - never trust something that is unreal.

*knock knock !

who's there ?
me !
me who ?
Phye 'Alaina. The sober version.

ngeng.

rehab

2010-12-13T00:50:00.000-08:00

...." i guess this is what i get for wishful thinking..
I should've never let you into my door..."

.." you gotta go, i gotta win myself over you"

ngeng.

2010-12-07T17:48:00.000-08:00

Lagi sebulan, jumpa aku kat Tanjung Rambutan okay ?

ngeng.

checkmate

2010-12-03T08:50:00.001-08:00

You don't make people fall for you and just leave them when they need you the most.
Don't say that you love them if you're gonna break their hearts.
Don't give them hopes if you're just fooling around.
You will just be another mother fucker, stucked up self-conscious bitch.

ngeng.

Kata tahniah aku.

2010-12-02T22:29:00.000-08:00

Hancur. Hancur musnah. Kata kau sayang. Kata kau cinta.
Kerana ego semua mati.
Yang silam pergi. Yang cinta hilang.
Terpadam tanpa rela.
Kepercayaan dirobek. Perasaan terguris.
Masa hadapan hitam. Yang dirancang terbengkalai.
Puas kau ? Senang sudah ?
Kau menang. Sambut piala kau.
Segala yang kau ingin, kini milik kau.
Tahniah.

ngeng.

2010-12-02T15:53:00.000-08:00

Fie, thanks. I love you kawan :)

ngeng.

2010-11-22T20:42:00.000-08:00

Dah bukak dah. Baca lah ape nak baca. Bukan ada pape pun.

Unlike you, I have nothing to hide ;)

ngeng.

easy come, but please don't ever go :(

2010-11-20T10:33:00.000-08:00

.........

..............

.................

....................

.......................

...........................

..............................

..................................

Damn. I'm lost in words. You got me in too deep. Too deep. Too deep.

Stop !

Before I'm in toooooo deep. Unless if you want me to. Do you ?

ngeng.

beat the man, not the bitch.

2010-11-18T21:00:00.000-08:00

I just finished reading "beat the bitch" by Tess Stimson. It's a good book. Tells you everything that you need to know how to keep your man pants on from other women. Though some of what she wrote I disagree, but then again, who am I to critic ? Still, though some of her philosophies make sense, I can't help but realise that...

why do women have to do all the work ?

Just by reading the contents of it, I feel that it is not fair that women alone have to be alert and work on everything to make their relationship works. Where do men parts come in ?

*contents

1 Why You Need to Read This Book
2 Know Thy Enemy
3 Love Rat Stats
4 Snoop on the Dog
5 How Do I Cheat on Thee ? Let Me Count the Ways
6 The Bobbitt Quiz
7 Not All Affairs Are Equal
8 What Not to Do
9 Beat the Bitch
10 Interview With a Vamp
11 Ten things Men Really Like in Bed
12 Don't Get Mad, Get Diamonds
13 Revenge isa Dish Best Served Now
14 Interviews With the Infidels
15 Ten Things Men Really Hate About Women
16 You Don't Want to Hear This But......

All I read was about what women should do to please their men n keep them away from other women. But what about men ? Don't they have to do something too ? Have you ever seen or read any book that tells men how to be faithful and loyal to their women ? Or what men can do to please their women ?? If there is, tell me. I would loooooove to read it. And guys, Ten Things Man Can Do to Hit on Woman doesn't count.

Don't women have better things to do other than to please their men all the time without screwing things up ? Once a woman deny her man's need in bed, she is considered being ignorance and couldn't careless about their relationship. But when the house is clean, dinner is served, the bills are paid, she is a superwoman. What the fuck is that ?

I refuse to believe that it is the nature women should be treated this way. Men too need to make things work. Please their women in bed, take them to Paris for a romantic honeymoon, get home early for dinner, buy them jewelleries, cook their fav dish on anniversaries... come on ! It takes two to complete ! Not women alone.

*sigh

This is the 21st century. No matter how many tricks women are taught, there is no excuse why men should be pampered the most. I believe in equalty. And yes, I do think of ways how I can please him and how he can do the same for me. I'm a pro-women, not an anti-men. The world doesn't revolves around on one side only.

Nevertheless, it's a good book. Atleast I know what to do if my man is cheating on me. Heyy wait, he already did actually. So yeah, thanks Tess ! :)

ngeng.

she's my adrenaline.

2010-11-17T18:19:00.000-08:00

4 a.m in the morning. I got ur call. You were so sorry. This is the last time I'll ever give you a shot. So show me what you got. Give me back my baby. Or else, just leave.

I'm a nice person. What you are scared of is actually yourself. You're afraid that I might do what you did. Well guess what baby boo ? I'm not you.

I cried like a kitten crying for its mom last night. And if it wasn't for her, I think I might die in tears. But for a moment, I was smiling again. Thanks. And I do mean every single thing I said to you.

ngeng.

i hate frustration.

2010-11-13T23:58:00.000-08:00

Enough. No more sweet words.

I knew I had to que. There's a long line ahead of me. What was I thinking ? Damn.

ngeng.