noob :')

It has been a month since we were official. So i brought him to see my mom just now. We had dinner together with Liniy and Noreen at Johnny's Timesquare. I have never bring anyone to see my family exp Apa and him. Even Angah and Golo has never seen my family, not that they give a shit but still. It might still too early to say this considering that we are still new, but I think he might be the one. Yada yada laugh all you want peeps, I know I changed bf a lot but it has been a while since I had this feeling. The last time anyone has ever loved me this way was Apa. Now that I found someone who can replace him, I will never repeat the same mistake ever again. I will never let him go. And for that, I will be the best of me. Pray for me yeah ? And for us.

I love you baby :')

ngeng.

We Found Love :')

" It's like you're screaming, but no one can hear. You almost feel ashamed, that someone can be that important, that without them, you feel like nothing. No one will ever understand how much it hurts. You feel hopeless, like nothing can save you. And when it's over, and it's gone, you almost wish that you could have all that bad stuff back, so that you can have the good. "

- Rihanna, We Found Love

:')

ngeng.

time is cruel.

Remember when you were little, how you and your favourite cousins were always together, doing evrything and going everywhere holding hands along the way ? Yeahh I still remember. And I miss all that. Of how we used to play Barbie dolls, making a doll's house from boxes during fasting month, how Si Gegurl likes to be suap while makan, and how Si Asa got scolded sebab cubit Nora si jiran sebelah sampai menangis. Haha.

Then, as we enter middle high school, how we always talked about boys, gossiping about those gedik girls in school and how much we love Avril Lavigne so much that we know her every single song and how ridiculous we looked trying to dress up like her. Haha. Those were the days....

As time pass by, I can't believe how things can change in a blink of an eye. Now each of us has our own commitments, have our own life and bfs and cliques. All we ever talked about now is how exhausting life can be, juggling with everything - life, money, college, family, friends and boyfriend. Asa is very dissapointed with her life in Kedah, upset with every people who just won't stop judging every single thing she did. Gegurl, well, family problems. And me, of course, love life thingy. Pffft.

It's funny how things change very fast. We used to play barbie dolls together, having catfight on the table and stuffs. Now, we talk about issues on men, bitches, sex, etc. Oh my God I can't believe we've reached that point where we are talking about not-so-adult stuff. Damn I used to nag them about this dirty things, warning diorang jgn mengada nak melebih2 ke apa. Now, all that has changed. Each of us are referring to each other about do's and dont's - if you know what I mean. Haha. Damn, I have to face the fact that my little sisters are not so little anymore..... :')

In 10 years time, we'll be talking about kids and husbands pulak. How smart my son is, how cute Gegurl's daughter is and how adorable Asa's twins are - and how annoying our husbands can be sometimes. Hahaha. Amin.

love you sisters ;)

ngeng.

i'm not done.

"I'm done with you"

"End"

2 simple sentence can end it all. No, you don't get to dump me. I will not leave, not yet. Mark my word baby boy. We are over when I say so.


Psst, haven't you heard ? I'm the psycho bitch in town ;)

ngeng.

skeletons from my closet.

I have this guilt I've been carrying around for quite a while now. Guilt that I wished I never had. Damn if only I can turn back time.


Aku ada seorang kawan. Agak baru kenal jugak laa. Tapi kerana kemesraan masing-masing, kami jadi agak rapat dlm masa yang singkat. Diantara yang lain, aku paling senang dgn dia. Macam2 masalah dan rahsia aku dia tahu. Aku bukan lah orang yang nak ceritakan rahsia melainkan orang tu aku percaya. And this girl, even we're new, but I trust her. I'm a gemini, so yeah I'm a faithful friend. I love her. I always miss her, miss the good times we had. She's like my second ear, other than my other bffs. But there is something that I think she deserves to know. Something I did once upon a time ago. Something that if she knows about it, she'll be devastated ! And I might lose her. I might lose our friendship. That is something I couldn't risk.


But secrets don't hide long. I know one day, she'll finds out. And I really want it to be from me. But I just don't have the guts to tell her. Even the thing that I did was before I met her, still, she'll never look at me the same again. Ohh how can I tell her ? I can't find the right words or the right way to tell ! Serious I feel so fucked up right now ! It was a mistake that I didn't even realised I did it. And now I have to live with that guilt. Damn it I hate this feeling.


Dear friend, I really love you and I appreciate the things we hve. I hope one day, if you find out about this, I really hope you won't hate me. It's ancient history and it was even before I met you. I'm really sorry girl. I really am.




Kalau korang jadi aku, korang akan bagitau tak apa bnd teruk yg korang dh buat kat kawan korang ? Even bnd tu jadi sebelum korang kenal pun lagi ?

ngeng.

i'm better off alone.

Bila benda-benda mcm ni berlaku, buat aku lagi teringat kat Apa. Maybe memang semua berpunca dari aku. Betul cakap umi. Takde laki yg nak kan perempuan yg kasar and garang. Sayang macam mana pun dia kat aku, tapi dgn perangai aku yg tk macam perempuan ni, siapa boleh tahan ? Aku penat lah nak go through a break up.


I really can't. Seriously.



I thought I didn't love you that much. I only knew I was wrong when we broke up.


Damn it.

ngeng.

pipit dan enggang,

" kau tak boleh biar mcm tu Bek. Ni aku tgk dh teruk sgt dia maki2 kau "

" aku rasa korang tk lama ni Bek. Kejap je korang ni "

" mcm mana kau boleh dgn die Bek ? Korang jauh beza kot. Social life dia camne, social life kau camne "




Hmm... me and him, yea kitorang memang mcm langit dan bumi.
Aku haluan kiri, dia haluan kanan.
Aku kutub utara, dia kutub selatan.
Aku suka A, dia suka Z.
Honestly, aku pun taktau macam mana kitorang boleh end up together. Tapi dah ketentuan Illahi kitorang bertemu kan ?


Sebelum 03052011, aku memang dah warning dia awal2 yang aku ni macam mana. Rasanya sekeliling yang kenal rapat dgn aku pun dah warning kot ? Percakapan aku memang kasar, tapi bukan bermakna aku kurang hajar dan taktau hormat orang. Bahasa aku 90% penuh makian dan kata-kata sesat. Senang cerita, aku bukan lah seorang perempuan yang ada ciri-ciri perempuan melayu terakhir. Memang jauh tersasar sgt2. Evenso, aku takde lah teruk sgt sampai tk reti nak cakap elok-elok, tk reti nak berbudi bahasa. Bukan nak backing diri tp aku masih tahu nak ckp dgn sopan santun, mohon maaf bila aku yg bersalah or mengalah bila bergaduh. BUKAN TK PERNAH LANGSUNG.


I'm a woman with my own principe. I stand on what I believe. Still, I do know how to tolerate sometimes. Pada aku, biarlah bahasa aku kasar pada mata orang, yang tahu aku sebenarnya, hanya dia. Luaran tk menjanjikan apa. Romantis aku, lembut aku, manja aku biarlah dia saja yang tahu macam mana. Aku tk kesah kalau luaran aku orang pandang serong. Asal dalaman aku, orang yang benar benar aku kasihi saja yang merasainya. Kalau luar buruk, tk semestinya dalam pun sama. Cara orang berbeza. Tak boleh nak samakan semua orang. Aku dengan cara aku, dia dengan cara dia. Even kitorang amat berbeza, yang pasti kitorang still boleh terima each other. Belajar utk memahami dan menerima. Jangan lah terus jatuh hukum. Jodoh pertemuan di tangan Tuhan.


Aku tau cara aku kasar. Tapi aku tkde niat nak mengontrol or membodoh2kan dia. Bukan aku tk reti dgr cakap orang langsung. Aku sayang dia. Kadang2 yea, aku terlebih emosi. Siapa yang tk pernah kann ? Kalau aku selalu sangat, mungkin itu kelemahan aku. Dan dia terima kelemahan aku. Pada masa yang sama, aku cuba perbaikinya. Aku takkan cakap " I'll prove to you guys that you are wrong by saying "kitorang tkkn lama".." sbb soal jodoh Tuhan yang tentukan. Whatever it is, we are trying our best to make things work. Kitorang sedar kitorang memang jauh. But instead of condeming us, why not you guys support us ? Kan lebih elok macam tu ? Mendoakan kebahagiaan kawan-kawan ? Kann ? ;)


Awk, I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings a lot. But as I have explained to you earlier, it doesn't mean that I don't love you or don't respect you. It's just that, what you or others want me to be, biar lah hanya awk saja yang tahu.




p/s: Mulut orang..kita boleh buat apa ? Memang Tuhan bg kita mulut untuk mengata orang lain pun. =_='

ngeng.

sometimes, commitments are just too much for me.

He texted me "Awk dah lain skrg :( " and tweeted "bagaikan ada rahsia di sebalik kelakuan mu" ... haih baru beberapa hari aku busy kerja siang malam, dah bising. Aku busy sangat2. Kejap2 terkejar sana sini. Kawan aku Sora msg pun aku tk dpt nak reply. Bestfriend aku Diane dah sampai Malaysia 3 hari pun aku tk jumpa2 lagi. Harry Potter dah kuar nak dekat seminggu pun aku tk pegi tgk lg. Bukan aku sengaja. The thing is, bila ada masa free dalam kesibukan aku kebelakangan ni, aku nak pamper diri jugak. Aku jenis yang kalau tgh tgk tv ke, makan ke, online ke, kalau orang msg, mmg aku tk layan. Cam aku lebih suka menyendiri. Herm sorry lah if aku mengabaikan boyfriend sendiri. But sometimes, girls just wanna have time of their own. I believe guys are too.





Lately, I miss being single. I miss loving my ownself.

ngeng.

time heal all wounds

My sister was having a problem with her gf this evening.. She was screaming and crying like crazy and it was hurting to see her like that. Reminds me of myself months ago. I know how it feels like. I really do.


Then she asked me the only question I never know how to answer .... " Macam mana Ija boleh jadi kuat ? "


Damn.


The truth is, I never was. Even to this day. Eventhough I have a boyfriend and has moved on already, still, there are times where I wished I could turn back time and make things right. But I eased myself by keep telling me that to love, is not necessary to possess. Aku takkan tipu - memang akan sakit. Sakit yang tak terperi. There are no heartbreak yang tak sakit. There will be times yang kita akan break down gila2, mengamuk mcm orang hilang akal, menangis sampai mata bengkak2... but all that will passed. It's just a matter of time cause time heal all wounds. We can never forget our past no matter how hard we try. Infact, sometimes I feel like, the harder I try, the harder it gets. So, we move on with all the pain inside. And slowly, the pain will lose itself. Just learn to let go, we will be just fine. Not happier, just fine.

ngeng.

nur kasih

Untuk pertama kalinya setelah beberapa bulan, lepas habis tanggalkan cutex, aku terus mandi wajib and join solat jemaah masa kenduri doa selamat kat rumah tadi. Aku pun taktau kenapa tiba2 aku terasa nak join. Sepanjang hidup aku, tk pernah aku join solat jemaah and bacaan yasin&tahlil everytime ada kenduri doa selamat kat mana-mana pun. Masa turun tangga dengan lengkap bertelekung, aku nmpak umi pandang aku dengan pandangan yang bersinar2.. Bersyukur plus terkejut agaknya anak bongsu dia ni tiba2 pakai telekung after quite sometime... Yea aku mengaku aku dah lama tinggalkan tanggungjawab dan kewajipan aku sbg umat islam. Aku mengatakan ini dengan perasaan malu yang amat, bukan dengan perasaan bangga. Dah lama tak sembah Tuhan, rasa tenang pulak tadi. Bila dengar Pak Ndak aku mengumandangkan azan, terasa bertuah pula Mak Ndak dapat berlakikan seorang laki yang beriman. Lunak sangat suara Pak Ndak azan tadi. Teringin nak berlakikan lelaki macam dia. Tapi, layak ke aku ? Herm, mungkin yang aku rasakan macam ada something yg hilang dalam hidup aku tu, ini lah sebenarnya. InsyaAllah, aku akan cuba terus menunaikan tuntutan wajib islam ni. Aku bukan nak berlagak baik or nak menunjuk yang aku dah berubah ke apa. Tak, aku belum yakin nak mengatakan yang aku dah berubah sepenuhnya. Sekadar ingin berkongsi pengalaman menarik aku hari ini. Iman aku tak kuat lagi.. masa yang akan menentukan.





Bilalah betul-betul nak terbukak hati pakai tudung ni... hmmmm...

ngeng.

HB Abg Haji !!

Happy 21st Birthday Qayyum !!!! Padan muka kena tepung ! Tapi thanks lahh kena kan sebijik telur kat aku. Cett ! Birthday dia, tapi aku pun kena gak. Pfft. Ni sume maam kau punya idea !! ;)

First time dalam hidup kena mandi tepung + telur !!!!

ngeng.

burung hantu

Hari hari macam ni tak larat aku. Orang pergi kerja, aku baru nak tidur. Bangun petang buat kerja rumah. Malam keluar melepak sampai pagi. Macam mana nak kerja kalau rutin hari2 kalah burung hantu ??? Everytime try nak tidur awal, mesti tk blh. Terkebil-kebil mata dok cuba nak tidur. Masuk tidur pukul 1, betul betul boleh tidur pukul 6 jugak !! Makin lama makin tua pulak aku tengok muka aku ni. Dengan badan makin gemok dok makan malam je keje. Lama-lama mmg mcm burung hantu rupa aku. Tua, mata lebam, gemok !!! Damn it ! I hate seeing myself in the mirror now. I miss my skinny (menipu sangat lah skinny) days....


So what do I do everynight yang tkblh tidur ? If I'm not hanging out with some friends, I would be watching 90210 or Masterchef Australia at home. Or online watching youtube or just stalking other people's FB. Sekarang ni pun aku dok google for tips on how to look young and some cooking recipes ! Or I would be cooking something ( pastu bukan makan pun ) ... Damn my life is sooo pathetic now !



Seriously, I can't wait for September !

ngeng.

i keep telling myself, love is just a feeling.

It's often that we heard, friendship comes first before love. Cause love might just be a feeling...friendship on the other hand, is a bonding. And usually, bonding last longer than feeling.

I used to choose friendship over love. I will never blame my friends and will always defend them no matter what, even if it means I have to lose the love of my life - it wasn't the brightest decision I've ever made. Cause now that my real love is gone, I am still lost even my friends are still around. However, thanks you guys for sticking around. Still, I need my love back.

Now that it is on its way, once again, I'm at the crossroads between friendship and love. I was hardly breathing when I lost my love before. Living like a living corpse wasn't the best moment in my life. Should I risk it again ? Will I be making the same mistake ? (Dont get me wrong, it's not that I'm saying choosing friendship over love was a mistake, no ! It's just that, I should have known how to balance both presence in my life. I was biased ) - now, I'm hoping I'm not anymore.

I love you, but I still need my friends around.

ngeng.

yes, i'm offended.

Bukan nak perasan, tapi memang dalam family, antara aku, Farah and Along, aku yg paling kononnya ada rupa lebih sikit dari yang lain. Ini bukan kes angkat bakul sendiri yea, tapi memang diiktiraf dari kaum family. Aku yang lagi terang2 lawa dari Along aku pun, suami dia boleh cakap, "Along lagi lawa dari Erra Fazira"...


Memang statement yang sangat konfiden dari Abg Saiful. Dia sangat sayang Along sampai dia rasa Along lah wanita tercantik di dunia bagi dia. Along is his everything, perfect in every single way. Padahal ada je lemak kiri kanan, hidung kembang sikit lagi dari aku, bontot besar. Tapi Abg Saiful yakin sangat yang Along lagi lawa dari Erra Fazira. Tergelak besar aku dgn Farah masa dgr statement Abg Saiful. Dah kena mandrem ke ape ?? Tapi kitorang tahu, Abg Saiful memang sangat sayangkan Along smpi dia rase Along yang paling terhebat.








Itu, aku sangat kagum.








You see, honesty is very important in every relationship, yes no doubt. But there are certain things yang kita perlu buat untuk jaga hati. Tipu untuk jaga hati takpe, jangan tipu untuk jaga tembelang. Ini baru betul orang kata tipu sunat. Menipu untuk jaga hati tak salah.





Bila aku tanya pada kau, "siapa lagi lawa ? saya ke dia ?.. awak jawab je jujur2.. " ...Don't you know that no matter who do you think is prettier, the answer should be me ? A woman likes to feel appreciated. Likes to be adored. Likes to think as if she's the only person that is everything to a man's heart no matter how many flaws she has. So when you answered "dia".... do you have any idea how frustrated I was ? Lagi-lagi bila tahu kau jujur habis, bukan bergurau. Aku rasa macam aku tak cukup bagus untuk kau. Aku terfikir, dimana ranking aku di mata kau ? Aku yang pertama kah ? Aku tertanya, kau masih ada perasaan pada dia ? Masih punya nafsu dan keinginan mahu kembali bersama dia ? Masih menunggu dia lagi ? Kau buat aku betul betul rasa kat paling bawah sekali. Aku sedar aku bukanlah cantik mana. Memang hodoh pun. But to hear it from the one I trusted most, memang sangat mengecewakan. Siapa lagi yang nak buat aku rasa berharga and bermakna kalau bukan kau ? Tapi kalau kau sendiri yang buat aku rasa tak konfiden dgn diri sendiri, mcm mana aku nak rasa dihargai ? Kau perlu tahu bila, mana, mcm mana, dan apa yang patut and yang tak patut kau buat or cakap bila dengan kekasih.






Yea. Aku memang terasa.

p/s: Cinta mati aku adalah Apa. Aku takkan boleh sayang orang lain mcm mana aku penah sayang Apa.


.
.
.
.
.
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Apa kau rasa kalau aku keluar statement macam ni depan2 kau ?

ngeng.

adinda the gaga,

I think this kiddo over here tak perlu introduction dah kot. Kalau tahap famous dia dah saing-saing dgn si Bieber tu, tgk gmbr je orang dah tahu siapa lah kann. Kalau Bieber tibe2 ade sebut nama budak ni kat Tweeter, aku pun tk terkejut. Sampai Metro Harian and MHI pun dok dgr berita sal dia (dr kat fb aku dok ckp camni...ade unsur2 jealous ni..keh keh keh ) ... This kiddo over here definitely dah gegarkan satu Malaysia ni dgn statement berani mati dia. Rasanya korang pun dah tau kot apa statemen yg dimksdkan tu. Mmg sgt provokatif, kalah Lady Gaga. Aku taknak comment pasal apa yg dia dah buat in the past, aku just nak comment pasal her brave confession to the public. Reminds me of August last year. Sebab blog, kicau-bilau jadinya. Trust me, I know. My cousin and I almost caused 2 families to torn apart because of what we posted in our blog. I was so stupid back then, like this AdindaEvans kid. *sigh



I mean come on. Skrg dunia siber. Semua info laju je orang dapat. Nak delete permanently the memory pun tkkan sempat. Kau post something yg provokatif, kau pegi dapur buat air 2 minit, pegi kat lappy balik, tau2 dah 1000 orang like/hentam post kau. Especially bloggers, stalkers and etc. Dorang dapat bahan lagi laju dari Metro Harian. Tk payah tggu baba campak paper depan umah pagi2, kau online je, search google pape pun komfem ada. Haih... sometimes, sampai cerita dalam selimut pun orang blh tahu.



I wont judge apa budak ni buat in her past. Kau nak main dgn bf kau ke, nak jadi hotsetap ke ape, I dont give a shit. But when you tell the whole world something that you should just keep it to yourself, nak2 kalo bnd tu smthg yg provokatif, you just have to face the consequences of your action lah. If orang kutuk kau ke ape, terima jelah dah tu yg kau mintak...kalo tak, knp kau berani2 nak post camtu kan ? If orang nasihatkan, dengar. Tu maknanya dorang ambil berat n kesian kat kau. You cannot expect the whole world to be symphatized on you. Biasalah mesti akan ada orang kutuk punya. Kalau dunia ni baik je, tkkan ada undang2, tkkan ada politik, tkkn ade penjara. It's the yin yang of life. Ada baik, ada jahat. And my advise, you should just lay low je skrg ni. Your feedback at your latest post lagi buat orang terasa mengundang nak condemn kau. Kau dah buat statement paling bodoh kat dunia, what makes you think people will accept whatever you have to say after this ?



AdindaEvans, you are still damn young. When I was fourteen, I was busy hanging out with my friends and I dont even know whats the meaning of sex at that time. Cherish your pre teens life. Pergi lah gosip2 dgn budak2 ppuan, minat Justin Bieber ke ape... Sex and adults stuff ni are still too 18sxxxx for you.






Seriously, aku pun taktau what the hell am I doing posting up pasal budak ni. Nampak sgt dah kering idea tktau nak post ape kat blog. Damn.

ngeng.

pelamin anganku musnah,

Today, the man that I used to love, used to die for, used to have my everything got engaged with another girl.

Kalau ikut hati, mati.
Kalau ikut perasaan, binasa.



I used to have everything. I gave my everything just for him. Even the love of my life. But..nothing last forever. I don't know what went wrong, but he ended our relationship. Just like that, heartlessly leaving me without any explaination, any reason. Mati hati aku dibuatnya.


Katanya indah. Barisnya syurga. Tp semuanya cuka. Yang bodohnya aku.


Aku tak pernah menyesal. Hanya satu, aku kesal tinggalkan cinta mati aku. You see, I was so blind back then, I didn't know the diff between love and lust. That stupid lust got me blinded thinking that it was love. Damn.


Sejujurnya, aku tak berdendam. Tapi aku masih terluka. Eventhough we've talked about this and agreed on a one-sided-benefit agreement (that is your side) .... still I can't totally forget about everything yet.. it happened so fast, I didn't have the time to heal.


Hari ni, aku ulang-ulang lagu pelamin anganku musnah by azie... Aku masih teringat ade satu masa tu, we were on the phone... tak ingat cakap pasal ape tapi dia ade tanya.. "kalau angah kawen dgn orang lain mcm mana? " ... aku dgn berguraunye jawab, "phye nyanyi pelamin anganku musnah lah camtu " .... hari ni, kena batang hidung aku. Herm.. sambil type post ni pun, dah ke berapa ratus kali aku ulang lagu tu. Kisah aku dgn dia mmg ngam dgn lagu ni... "masihkah dgn janji mu, apa pun terjadi aku lah pilihanmu, hingga sanggup aku singkir cinta yang lalu...ku angankan pelamin indah utk kita berdua singgah...sayangnya...semua musnah... "



Bawah ni lirik nye..kalau dia ada depan aku, mmg aku akan melalak lagu ni depan dia... Aku bukan frust menonggeng.. tak. Aku just terluka...ditambah pula dgn tiada kata maaf dari dia setelah apa yang berlaku.. lagi buat aku rasa, aku ni hanya boneka koleksi dia. Hmm.. perempuan perempuan, jgn jadi bodoh mcm aku. Mencintai si dia yang berhati palsu.



Apa pun Orang Tua, congratulations.

Masih lagi tidak terlewat

Utk aku ucap tahniah

Di atas kehadirannya

Menggantikan aku

Pastinya oh hidupmu

Akan lebih bermakna

Dan aku usah kau kenang

Walau kita pernah berkasihan

Maafkan diriku ini

Kerna tidak hadirkan diri

Di sewaktu hari persandinganmu

Adakah kau ingin lihat

Air mata ini berguguran

Puaslah hatimu kini

Memainkan perasaanku selama ini

Masihkah dengan janji mu

Apa pun jadi akulah pilihan mu

Hingga sanggup aku singkir cinta yang lalu

Ku angankan pelamin indah untuk kita berdua singgah

Sayangnya semua musnah

Kau buat malam ku jadi gerhana

Dan hidupku tiada maknanya

Hanya bernyawa namun tak bermaya

Terkadang aku merasa menyesal

Kerna telah sehabis daya

Aku cinta dirimu kasih

Akhirnya aku sendiri tersisih.....

ngeng.

dear ex,

I always wonder when will I ever see you again. And how will I react if it happens. Am I ready ? Will I cry infront of you ? Will I bend on my knee and beg you to come back ? I wonder....
It has been almost 6 months since we last met. And that last moment we had, weren't the great one. You were begging and crying, and I was shouting, heartlessly. Damn I regret that. 4months later, it was me who is crying and begging. I wished, I hoped to meet you again to make amends.


God granted one - to meet you again. And I wasn't ready.


I went to stadium Cheras just now to watch the football match between K.L and Negeri Sembilan. I should have known he would be there too...tapi tak sangka akan terserempak. On my way back, I stopped at 7e. I was with my boyfie. He couldn't find a parking so he waited in the car. As I walked into the 7e, my heart stopped beating. Damn... I couldn't believe my eyes... Is this for real ? Or aku yang angau ? No, this is real. It was him... it was... Apa ! He was on his way out to the car....


Badan aku sejuk tetiba. Aku tau muka aku mesti tgh pucat gile..it's like I've seen a ghost ! I had to be sure, so I called out his name.... "Apa ! Apa ! Apa ! " ..he didn't turned at all...masih marah lagi pada aku mungkin.. But I knew it was him. He was wearing the same jeans, the same hair..and his walks... I recognized that the most.. No one in the world walks the way he walks...dgn bontot katik die tu, I was very damn sure it was him... he got in a car full with a bunch of guys yg aku kenal sgt2 and drove away... I just walked into the 7e, lost in words.. still couldnt believe my eyes...



Aku selalu doa pada Tuhan temukan aku dgn Apa utk kali terakhir. Tuhan temukan kami dgn cara ini... even it's not how I had in mind, still aku sgt bersyukur cause after seeing him, I felt nothing. I did not cry at all..no tears. I felt normal. As if mcm hilang satu beban yg sgt berat. My friend said maybe it shows that I'm totally over him.. maybe. All I know is that, even dah terjumpa Apa tadi, aku dah tkde perasaan nak bersama dgn dia kembali... biasanya mesti orang akan ckp, rindu nak bermanja, rindu bau die, rindu nak dgr suara die... but not me. Not this time. Not anymore. Maybe who I have right now is strong enough to make me forget about Apa completely. Who I have right now, might be the best one I'll ever have. So, I'm moving on... Sejujurnya, perasaan aku numb bila nmpk Apa. Happy pun tk, sakit pun tk, sedih pun tk. The feeling is neutral. I thank God for this ! Terasa ringan mcm takde beban lagi yg aku pikul... Mungkin ini petunjuk Tuhan nak suruh aku teruskan hidup dgn aman...mulakan yg baru. I am seriously so happy.



There is this saying that "never make friends with your ex" .... I guess it's true.



Apa, wherever you are right now, It was nice seeing you just now. I hope you're doing great and take care of yourself okay. What we had, I will keep it as memory. Mungkin Tuhan pisahkan kita utk bagi yang lagi baik. Jaga siapa yang kau ada sekarang ni baik-baik. Jangan curang, jangan nakal. And don't worry, I'll do the same. Salam....



dari yg pernah kau sayang,
arbee.

ngeng.

ana uhib buka :)

My whole life, I never text with anybody from the moment I wake up til the moment I go to bed. Yes I am a person who likes to constantly texting but not up to this point ! Even there is nothing to talk about, we still keep on texting. And the best part is that, I never stop laughing for each text. I like it when someone let me feel like a kid again. I like it this way. Atleast, I won't feel like to meroyan whenever my friends are not around. Cause I have a buddy who is there for me. And for that, ana uhib buka :)

ngeng.

M K A.

He was there yesterday. I didn't expect it at all but I hoped I reacted the way I should. He was on his way back when he came to see me. He was with another girl. I was calm though it hurts. We talked. I can't quite remember what we talked about. But I'm sure he was sorry for everything. And he said kita buat macam biasa, kita jadi macam mula-mula dulu. So I said now you are like a big brother to me, and I'm like a lil sister to you okayyy, like before. I forced a smile on my face while saying that.

The saddest part is when I had to take off your ring that I have been wearing since you gave it to me and gave it back to you. Also when we hug for the last time. You hug me so damn tight..reminds me back to where we start. Back to 4 months ago. I will never forget your touch. Thanks for 3 wonderful months. Though its only for a while, I had a great time and was happy with you.

For the last time, I love you MKA.

ngeng.

itulah sayang

Tanya sama hati apa asal sayang.

Adakah tandanya nampak dipandang.

Kumbang rayu bunga bulan dan bintangnya

Punya tanda-tanda hubungan mesra.

Tanya sama hati pernahkah merindu

Ingat masa lena apa mimpi mu

Masa berjauhan apa nan dikenang

Bila difahamkan itulah sayang.

Suka suka suka lirik ni ! Tersirat habissss ! :)

ngeng.

they say i've gone mad...

Danial Nazreen Anuar. Aku baca komen kau kat chatbox, buat aku rasa tertampar. Kau tau aku lemah kat mana kan. Dulu aku tinggalkan kau pun sbb Apa. Tapi thanks kau tak benci aku. Sorry aku buat kau mcm tu dulu. Aku pernah ckp kat kau, semua orang pun tahu, dengan siapa pun aku, endingnya aku mesti dgn Apa balik. Sekarang dah tak mcm tu. Kalau lah blh mcm tu lagi...hmm..aku taknak buat Apa sakit lg dah. Banyak kali aku amek buang dia. Apa bukan bola yg boleh ditendang tarik. Thanks btw...dengan 3 ayat simple kau tu, buat aku rasa tersedar sikit. Aku dah tak kuat mcm dulu lg cakk.. ramai tanya aku mana Phye yang hardcore dulu.

Honestly, I also dont know where the hell is that bitch now.

Aku proud dgn kau. Masalah tak habis2 timbul dalam life kau. Bala sebesar mana yg tak pernah timpa kau ? But you never give up fighting. You always bounce back. Even kdg2 kau rasa down, but you will always find a way to move on. How I wish I have the strength like yours. Keep being strong yea cakk. Its the only thing I know about you and I'm so proud with it. And thanks for being there when I need you.

ngeng.

" mencintai tak semestinya memiliki "

Bila fikir kau pukul aku,

Bila fikir kau pernah curang,

Bila fikir hari hari kena maki,

Bila fikir kau kasar dengan aku,

Bila fikir kau tidak adil,

Bila fikir gila kuasa kau,

Bila fikir ego taknak kalah kau,

Aku jadi benci. Aku jadi marah. Aku jadi kuat.

Tapi....

Bila teringat mata kau,

Bila dengar Love The Way You Lie, Callin U, Yakinlah Aku Menjemputmu dan 150juta,

Bila fikir perhatian kau beri,

Bila fikir manja kau kalah bayi,

Bila fikir pengorbanan kau,

Bila fikir arifnya kau ttg aku,

Bila melihat album kita,

Bila diselubungi comforter kau ketika tidur,

Bila terlihat kereta satria biru dimana-mana,

Bila terdengar Zafran panggil Paksu,

Bila ternampak vespa buruk di tepi jalan,

Bila terbayang pelukan kau disisi,

Bila teringat kucupan mesra kau,

Bila terlalu di Tmn Len Sen dan Bangi,

Bila bersiar-siar di pantai PD,

Bila terlihat gmbr kau di dompet aku,

Bila teringat sakat kau yg buat aku gelak,

Aku menangis. Kenapa aku lepaskan satu-satunya yang terindah dalam hidup aku ? Kalau lah aku tak dikaburi nafsu, mungkin aku masih bersama kau. Tak guna menyesal. Aku redha ketentuanNya. Kalau bukan kerana keluarga dah tak suka, aku sanggup sujud cium kaki kau asal kau kembali. Tapi Tuhan ada rancangan lain utk kita. Dia takkan bg dugaan kalau kita tak blh hadapinya... Aku masih sayang kau, cinta mati aku.... Si Azfar..

p/s: Aku tak blh jumpa jahat kau lg byk dr baik kau....

ngeng.

adrenaline rises up !!

Since I'm gonna start working tomorrow, so I have been spending a lot of time with my friends. I mean, those yang near to me lahh. Particularly with Anoy, Cham and Adriana. Ramai yang terlajak belajar kat negeri lain. So these past few weeks mmg dengan dorang jelah keluar. Ada jugak a few others yang sangat mengundang kalau disebut namanya dalam blog ni. Huhu. Thank you guys .... for filling my lonely days... lololove korang !


Okayy the fun stops right here. Lets go to work work work ! I'm over excited cause this is my first time having a real job..cause I usually do freelance job je. But at the same time cam malas pun ada. But I have to work ! To pay all the bills, all the debts, and all the fancy clothes I want to wear. Independent woman babeh ! I'm gonna miss all the late night outings and movies...and no more tidur sepanjang hari.. :(

Me and Adriana during the job interview.

Me and Cham kat playground area rumah Adriana.

Me and Anoy...enjoying our lovely crepes at Pavi yesterday :)

p/s: Ada laki tua kejar sebab nak berkenalan kat Sg Wang smlm. First time experience - scary !!

ngeng.

diam tanpa kata.

" Sy harap wlupn kt jauh, awk xlupe kat sy..maafkan sy sbb sjk kblkgn ni, hbgn kt dingin je...sy cube lupekan ape dh jd...i love u so much 'alaina... "



You gave me this text while I was on my way back home for a semester break. Tears were dropping while I read it. After what happened, I know you still love me even you were so damn frustrated. I see there is still hope.


But then now..... ?



We seems to grow further away from each other. I don't understand why cause I am still the same person I was when we first met. Don't come find me whenever you want. I'm not a puppet. Hanya dicari bila terasa ingin mencari.

Aku punya mata, telinga, hati dan perasaan.


May tomorrow is a better day.

ngeng.

i hate you.

Aku dah cuba faham kau. Dengar setiap kata kau. Ikotkan sahaja cara kau. Diamkan diri kalau kau tak menghubungi. Jaga bahasa agar tak tersalah kata. Pujuk kan hati elak meroyan. Berubah diri agar disenangi. Cuba berbaik seperti mula mula perkenalan.


APA LAGI YANG KAU NAK ?????



Kalau kau perasan, kebelakangan ni kau asyik naik suara kat aku. Apa aku cakap semua salah. Apa aku buat semua tak betul. Ada je nanti kena marah. Volume tu kalau tak hampir ke maximum, tak sah. Aku dah pesan kan, jangan didik aku dengan cara yang kau taknak aku jadi. Aku bukan malaikat. Jangan lah pijak-pijak kepala aku ni. Bodoh cane pun aku, lembap mane pun, lurus bendul mcm tiang skali pun, tak bagi kau hak nak pijak-pijak main bola sepak atas kepala aku ! Apehal seyh kau sikit-sikit nak sempit hati dgn aku padahal aku takde buat apa-apa pun. Dahla. Lepaskan saja aku kalau kau nak buat aku mcm taik. Banyak sangat dah taik aku makan ni. Tau penat tak ? Aku tak cakap aku yang baik, kau yang jahat, TAK ! Tapi yang ini, mmg kau salah. Aku pun ada MATA, TELINGA, HATI DAN PERASAAN. Kau boleh tolong perasan tak pasal orang lain jugak ? Kalau ada masalah, buat mcm orang ada masalah. Jangan tunjuk lagak macam kau hebat sgt tapi belakang-belakang aku jadi punching bag kau. Boleh tolong perasan tak ? Perasan sikit je...sikitttt je..tak byk pun. Boleh ea ?



Ohh lupa ! Kau takde perasaan, cane kau nak perasan. Kannnn ?



Jangan sampai hormat aku kat kau hilang. Aptb.

ngeng.

rindu ibu pada si anak kecil.

15years ago....


"Assalammualaikum...."

" Yeay yeay ! Umi dah balik ! Umi dah balik ! "


15years later....


" Assalammualaikum...."

"Waalaikummussalam... Umi ada kunci rumah kan ? Ija punya dalam beg malas nak pergi amek lahh.. "

" Haih kalau dulu Umi balik, Ija tak sabar nak sambut Umi. Sekarang nak bukak kan pintu pun malas. Mengadap je depan laptop tu..."



*tertampar.



We children.....herm. Nak cakap panjang pun, sendiri fahamlah. I'm sure this situation happens in most families. What change us ???




Ya Allah, janganlah engkau kurniakan anak yang "aku "....amin.

ngeng.

sorry is not the hardest word.

Aku tak faham kenapa sesetengah orang sangat susah nak melafazkan perkataan maaf. Walaupun dah terang lagi bersuluh dia salah, lebih rela mendiamkan diri dari memohon kemaafan. Jijik sangat ke kalau mohon maaf dari orang lain ? Jatuh sangat ke air muka kau ? Maruah tergadai ke ?


Aku bukan jenis yang susah nak mohon maaf kalau memang aku yang bersalah. Mungkin acapkali kau dengar kata maaf aku. Tapi setiap kali itu, aku ikhlas. Aku kesal dengan kesalahan yang dilakukan. Aku juga punya ego. Tapi masih tahu bertempat.


Besar mana pun kesalahan kau, sakit macam mana pun aku rasa, with a simple sorry and really mean it will just do. Tak kemana ego kau tu. Jangan sampai makan diri. Hmmm....

ngeng.

merenung masa depan

Aku sepertinya bukanlah orang yang cocok utk berbicara tentang perkara ini. Aku sendiri pun ibarat bayi yang masih merangkak. Tapi aku ikhlas, aku risau, dan aku prihatin. Kau orang yang aku sayang. Aku taknak berdiam diri seperti tunggul kayu melihat kau terus terjerumus ke bawah. Sayang, mungkin tempoh perkenalan kita masih mentah. Tapi seakan aku nampak bayangan yang sepertinya sebuah mimpi ngeri. Sedarkah bahwa kau mengetuk pintu alam kejatuhan kau sendiri ?


Maafkan aku jika kau terasa aku tidak berada di tempat yang sepatutnya utk mengetengahkan perkara ini. Cuma niat aku utk menolong kau. Aku kira, kau juga pasti akan melakukan perkara yang sama utk aku. Hmmm...



Bila kita di atas, semua puja. Ohh kita lah segalanya. Dunia terasa kecil. Wang ringgit kau miliki, berkepuk-kepuk banyaknya. Rezeki datang melimpah-ruah. Lupa diri, lupa usul, lupa matlamat, lupa.... Tuhan. Nafsu membuas utk miliki semua keinginan hati.
Yang haram jadinya halal.
Yang buruk jadinya baik.
Yang salah jadinya betul.

Tiada apa yang kekal di dunia ini melainkan Dia. Satu-satu Tuhan bakalan tarik semula. Sebabnya, semua pun bukan hak milik kita.

Maruah... seolah tergadai.
Harta... sekelip mata hilang.
Kawan-kawan... seorang demi seorang jadinya lawan.
Rezeki... seperti tak terasa apa yang ada.



Boleh aku tanya kau sesuatu ? Apa rancangan kau untuk masa depan ? Masa makin suntuk...pejam celik, tik tik tik jam bergerak. Harap kau ada back up plan - simpanan ada, aset ada, keluarga ada, kawan-kawan masih setia. Tiada masalah utk bersuka ria. Tapi jangan sampai satu tahap, kau akan terduduk. Takut nanti kau tak terbangun-bangun. Saat itu baru kau rasa betul-betul tingginya langit dan bumi. Tiada lagi terasa seperti diawang-awangan. Aku risau. Kau orang yang kelihatannya seperti menjadi harapan kebanyakan, dan yang penting - harapan aku. Bisakah kau merasa seperti kau pula mengharap pada orang lain ?



Aku budak lagi. Pun masih dalam kegelapan. Mungkin kau gelak baca post ini. Tapi, tolong ? Tolong pertimbangkan kerana ada betulnya kann ?




* jom Ija, ikut umi ?
pergi mana ?
jalan-jalan.
jalan-jalan kemana ?
jalan-jalan cari Tuhan.

hmmm....




p/s: Ustazah pernah pesan.. " kita selalu lupa Tuhan, tapi Tuhan tak pernah lupa kita "

ngeng.

i am no gold digger.

Nissan Fairlady Z lalu depan. Lelaki handsome muka stock Pak Arab duduk memandu di driver seat... * fuhh smartnya kereta. Kalau lah aku ada, kan best.

BMW X6 masuk parking kereta, seorang lelaki kacak irasnya seperti Aaron Aziz keluar dari kereta... * OMG ! Dia drive dreamcar aku !!!!

Seorang jejaka manis, comelnye ada lesung pipit di pipi, putih melepak macam Chinese look sikit belanja makan satu table 10 orang kat Victoria Station... * Mak aih masyuk nya dia ni...keje ape lah kann..

Seorang kawan lelaki yang masih single guna BB Torch latest edition... * Masyuk ea kau kawan ?




Yea dorang hebat-hebat. Banyak harta, duit bukan masalah bagi mereka. Tak kesah la duit mak bapak atau hasil usaha sendiri. Nak pergi mana, cakap sahaja. Ongkos nya, enggak perlu risau. Ditanggung beres !!!

* pfft ...




Sikit pun tak terlintas di hati aku nak usha mana-mana diantara mereka. Cukup sekadar mengagumi. Meskipun jika mereka yang menginginkan aku, layanan aku biasa saja jika hati tak ada. Aku bukan perempuan mata duitan. Apetah lagi pisau cukur. Yang aku nak, kebahagiaan. Bukan kekayaan. Harta tak boleh beli aku.


Kau beri aku bahagia, Bill Gates beri aku istana. Aku tetap pilih kau.





Ini bukan ayat manis. Ini aku.

ngeng.

once upon a time, i was falling in love.

I don't know why I love you so much. I tried to walk away. I tried to look for other options. Options that doesn't involve you. But I can't. I tried, hard enough. I don't know why is it so hard for me to just....to just... damn lahh.


Kau jadikan gambar kau tidak lagi di wallpaper handphone aku sebagai isu. Kalau aku nak curang atau jaga market sekali pun, sekurang-kurangnya aku akan letak gambar aku kat wallpaper phone. Aku takkan biarkan kosong. Aku takut sebenarnya. Hari-hari pandang akan buat kita makin rindu bila berjauhan. Jujur aku cakap, I'm scared to love you that much anymore. Aku takut sakit lagi. Ini langkah berjaga-jaga aku. Sebab kau tak boleh nak berikan satu-satunya permintaan aku, ini cara aku untuk prepare for anything worse yang mungkin bakalan jadi lagi. But that doesn't mean I love you less now.



Aku masih sayang kau seperti dulu.

ngeng.

wedding bells ? ohh no, thank you :)

I have a few friends who are already engaged. And some, dah kahwin dah pun. All my life, I dream of a happy and normal family. My plan was to get married cepat2, have some kids and live happily ever after. Too bad, it all only happens in fairytales. And life ain't no fairytale. Ini bukan drama TV3. Ini realiti kehidupan.


I used to believe in marriage. And my weakness is that, whenever I met someone new, I was convinced that he could be my future husband. So I started berangan all the things yang every traditional girls would want in life. Dan harapan aku jadi menggunung bila si polan juga menaburkan kata-kata manis konon nya aku lah yang dicari-cari selama ini. Urghh lame.. duhh. Semangat siapa yang tak membuak bila harapan di hati disokong-sokong ?


Tapi pengalaman mengajar aku bahawa, kebenaran tidak lah selalu indah. After what happened, aku seolah ditiup semangat dan pandangan baru. Mungkin ini juga caranya untuk aku memahami dia. Aku cuba untuk bersifat lebih terbuka. Dan untuk itu, aku mula mengubah pandangan aku tentang sesetengah perkara.


*mengeluh


Selama hidup aku, aku cuba menentukan nasib aku sendiri. Seolah-olah aku cuba melawan takdir. Sekarang, aku lepaskan satu-persatu dan serahkan segalanya pada Yang Maha Esa. Aku percaya, satu hari nanti, bila tiba masa yang sesuai, Tuhan akan kurniakan aku seseorang yang aku berhak dapat. Sama ada "seseorang" itu adalah dia yang aku bersama sekarang ini atau tidak, aku serahkan segalanya pada Dia.



Untuk masa sekarang, hidup aku adalah untuk aku. Selagi aku tidak terikat dengan sesiapa atau dibawah mana-mana peraturan agama, I will live with my own rules. So, it is gonna be nore about me, and less about you. Patuhku, tundukku, akurku pada kau sekarang, hanyalah atas dasar hormat dan sayang. Bukan lagi atas dasar kau lelaki aku, kau lagi berkuasa dan aku patut dengar cakap kau 100%. Selain dari kebenaran dalam Islam, kebenaran lain bagi aku, is just a matter of opinion.. Aku dah redha.





p/s : Bila sekarang kau tanya mahukah aku kahwin dengan kau, aku tak bergurau bila aku katakan "taknak"....atleast, not for now.

ngeng.