Immortal.

If loving you is a sin, I shall not repent.
Why regret if it's beautiful ?
If it's beautiful, then why do these tears inside shed outside ?
I'm a fighter.
I will fight though it's not my game.
I will fight until the last shame.
But it will all be in vain,
If you don't feel the same.
But, no, oh don't you worry.
I will not raise the white flag.
I will always rise back.

But, even the strongest heart knows that "forever" is just a hope.
A false one. 
Yes, a false hope.




ngeng.

Dissapointed.

I fucking hate liars. Nobody is different. 
I trusted you, I really do.
You're just another face I thought I knew.
Thank you.


ngeng.

never again.

I'm tired, he's tired, we both are. Never again.




Would have given up my life for you. Guess it's true what they say about love, it's blind. Boy, you lied straight to my face, looking in my eyes. And I believed you cause I loved you more than life. And all you had to do was apologized. You didn't say you're sorry. I don't understand. You don't care that you hurt me, and now I'm half the woman that I used to be when it was you and me. You didn't love me enough. My heart may never mend, and you'll never get to love me again.


Sadness has me at the end of the line. Helpless watched you break this heart of mine. And, loneliness only wants you back here with me. Common sense knows that you're not good enough for me. AND ALL YOU HAD TO DO WAS APOLOGIZE AND MEAN IT. 


Never again. You and me, never again.

ngeng.

From Twitter to "will you be mine"

It's been a while since I last set foot on my blog. I guess blogging is no more my interest. I used to blog all day with more than 7 posts a day. Then came along Facebook. Every single day posting up status and uploading photos. Until recently, I moved my social network addiction to Twitter where you can go berserk or posting up anything you want every single minute. I'm not sure what's gonna come after Twitter. All I'm saying, Twitter too shall pass. It's just a matter of time.


Evenso, there are people who are not pleased with it. And it has caused a lot more destruction than it should. It is so frustrating that such network can give a big impact to my life. It's not like I'm a social network freak. I still prioritise what should be prioritised. Still, a little distraction can caused so much annoyance to some people.


Yes, if you're guessing that I'm referring to my bf, then you are right. He's not fond with the attention I get from Twitter, and the new friends I'm making. He claims that I'm an attention seeker. Maybe yes, maybe no. After all, every girl loves a bit of attention don't they ? But I don't blame him though. I know he's actually jealous. And that shows how much he loves me. He's not the type of guy who will say "i love you" all single fucking time like I do. But you can see that he actually do love me. Just in a way that I'm not really fond of. Still, the fact that he loves me, make me understand all of his childish attitude. We first met because of Twitter too after all. I understand his paranaoia. But he should really know by now, not even my first love can take me away from him. Only Allah's will can.


Truth to be told, we are on the rocks now. But both of us are trying so hard to make it happen. A friend once told me that a Virgo can never click with a Gemini. I don't know wether I should rely on that. I'm afraid that if I do, I'll be "khurafat"... But it seems like, what he said might be 30% true, wallahualam.


I love him. I'll never stop trying to make things right. If God says we are meant to be, then we are meant to be. Amin, insyaAllah. If this too end, I don't know if I can ever love someone else the way I love him. It's hard to love again when everything has been given away, nothing is left. Sometimes I wonder, did I made the right decision when I asked "Will you be mine? " .... But just by looking at his smile and the way I laugh at his stupid jokes, I know I shouldn't have doubt it at first. I don't know about him. He might be feeling a bit sorry for saying "I do"... but not me. Not a single regret til this day.


Yes, it was me who popped the question. It was supposed to be a secret. But it seems like someone would go that far just to hurt me. It's okay, just my luck. Know why I popped the question first ? It was not for the fact that I wasn't sobber that night, no. But because the fact that good things should not wait. And yes bby, you are it.

It's funny how we met through social network too though.

ngeng.

the fool.

Haven’t you heard? About the fool.

He cheats, he kills, he lies.

She screams, she cries, she dies.

But she never leaves.

Never moves an inch.

Wander in the lost souls, faking every smile.

Tears dropping by, never longing for a “goodbye”

She’s an outcast. Neither a stranger nor a guest.

She stays as hope is what is left.

“She’s a fool!” they say.

Haven’t you heard?

She’s the fool, I say.

ngeng.

what's past, is past.

I gave a very long text to Apa a few days ago, apologizing to what I did to him all those years we were together. For all of his pain and tears. Cause it seems to me, even after a year, that karma still lingers around, hunting me down. After me, he is with this girl, Aisha Banjori. And they are still together til today, and that makes them already almost a year. While me, on the other hand, had already been changing bfs for ... I don't know, 6 times ? None is more than 3 to 4 months. I don't know what was wrong with me cause I'm the type of girl who commits wholeheartedly. It's either those guys were jerks, or I was just another crazy drama queen that none can stand. I think both. Hmm.

So I texted Apa, and begged him to forgive me and let it all pass. I just really want to live happily. I am very sorry for what happened between us back then. I was too ego and selfish. Hmm. I guess, he already forgive me cause finally, I'm living the life I dreamed off with Ashore. Yeah still, we have our ups and downs, but heyy, who doesn't ?

Apa, if you're reading this, I just wanna say thank you for forgiving me (if you did) and I'm still very sorry for every pain I've caused you. May you live happily with Aisha. I pray for the best for both of you. And, just so you know, you're still the only one. Thank you.

ngeng.

noob :')

It has been a month since we were official. So i brought him to see my mom just now. We had dinner together with Liniy and Noreen at Johnny's Timesquare. I have never bring anyone to see my family exp Apa and him. Even Angah and Golo has never seen my family, not that they give a shit but still. It might still too early to say this considering that we are still new, but I think he might be the one. Yada yada laugh all you want peeps, I know I changed bf a lot but it has been a while since I had this feeling. The last time anyone has ever loved me this way was Apa. Now that I found someone who can replace him, I will never repeat the same mistake ever again. I will never let him go. And for that, I will be the best of me. Pray for me yeah ? And for us.

I love you baby :')

ngeng.

We Found Love :')

" It's like you're screaming, but no one can hear. You almost feel ashamed, that someone can be that important, that without them, you feel like nothing. No one will ever understand how much it hurts. You feel hopeless, like nothing can save you. And when it's over, and it's gone, you almost wish that you could have all that bad stuff back, so that you can have the good. "

- Rihanna, We Found Love

:')

ngeng.

time is cruel.

Remember when you were little, how you and your favourite cousins were always together, doing evrything and going everywhere holding hands along the way ? Yeahh I still remember. And I miss all that. Of how we used to play Barbie dolls, making a doll's house from boxes during fasting month, how Si Gegurl likes to be suap while makan, and how Si Asa got scolded sebab cubit Nora si jiran sebelah sampai menangis. Haha.

Then, as we enter middle high school, how we always talked about boys, gossiping about those gedik girls in school and how much we love Avril Lavigne so much that we know her every single song and how ridiculous we looked trying to dress up like her. Haha. Those were the days....

As time pass by, I can't believe how things can change in a blink of an eye. Now each of us has our own commitments, have our own life and bfs and cliques. All we ever talked about now is how exhausting life can be, juggling with everything - life, money, college, family, friends and boyfriend. Asa is very dissapointed with her life in Kedah, upset with every people who just won't stop judging every single thing she did. Gegurl, well, family problems. And me, of course, love life thingy. Pffft.

It's funny how things change very fast. We used to play barbie dolls together, having catfight on the table and stuffs. Now, we talk about issues on men, bitches, sex, etc. Oh my God I can't believe we've reached that point where we are talking about not-so-adult stuff. Damn I used to nag them about this dirty things, warning diorang jgn mengada nak melebih2 ke apa. Now, all that has changed. Each of us are referring to each other about do's and dont's - if you know what I mean. Haha. Damn, I have to face the fact that my little sisters are not so little anymore..... :')

In 10 years time, we'll be talking about kids and husbands pulak. How smart my son is, how cute Gegurl's daughter is and how adorable Asa's twins are - and how annoying our husbands can be sometimes. Hahaha. Amin.

love you sisters ;)

ngeng.

i'm not done.

"I'm done with you"

"End"

2 simple sentence can end it all. No, you don't get to dump me. I will not leave, not yet. Mark my word baby boy. We are over when I say so.


Psst, haven't you heard ? I'm the psycho bitch in town ;)

ngeng.

skeletons from my closet.

I have this guilt I've been carrying around for quite a while now. Guilt that I wished I never had. Damn if only I can turn back time.


Aku ada seorang kawan. Agak baru kenal jugak laa. Tapi kerana kemesraan masing-masing, kami jadi agak rapat dlm masa yang singkat. Diantara yang lain, aku paling senang dgn dia. Macam2 masalah dan rahsia aku dia tahu. Aku bukan lah orang yang nak ceritakan rahsia melainkan orang tu aku percaya. And this girl, even we're new, but I trust her. I'm a gemini, so yeah I'm a faithful friend. I love her. I always miss her, miss the good times we had. She's like my second ear, other than my other bffs. But there is something that I think she deserves to know. Something I did once upon a time ago. Something that if she knows about it, she'll be devastated ! And I might lose her. I might lose our friendship. That is something I couldn't risk.


But secrets don't hide long. I know one day, she'll finds out. And I really want it to be from me. But I just don't have the guts to tell her. Even the thing that I did was before I met her, still, she'll never look at me the same again. Ohh how can I tell her ? I can't find the right words or the right way to tell ! Serious I feel so fucked up right now ! It was a mistake that I didn't even realised I did it. And now I have to live with that guilt. Damn it I hate this feeling.


Dear friend, I really love you and I appreciate the things we hve. I hope one day, if you find out about this, I really hope you won't hate me. It's ancient history and it was even before I met you. I'm really sorry girl. I really am.




Kalau korang jadi aku, korang akan bagitau tak apa bnd teruk yg korang dh buat kat kawan korang ? Even bnd tu jadi sebelum korang kenal pun lagi ?

ngeng.

i'm better off alone.

Bila benda-benda mcm ni berlaku, buat aku lagi teringat kat Apa. Maybe memang semua berpunca dari aku. Betul cakap umi. Takde laki yg nak kan perempuan yg kasar and garang. Sayang macam mana pun dia kat aku, tapi dgn perangai aku yg tk macam perempuan ni, siapa boleh tahan ? Aku penat lah nak go through a break up.


I really can't. Seriously.



I thought I didn't love you that much. I only knew I was wrong when we broke up.


Damn it.

ngeng.

pipit dan enggang,

" kau tak boleh biar mcm tu Bek. Ni aku tgk dh teruk sgt dia maki2 kau "

" aku rasa korang tk lama ni Bek. Kejap je korang ni "

" mcm mana kau boleh dgn die Bek ? Korang jauh beza kot. Social life dia camne, social life kau camne "




Hmm... me and him, yea kitorang memang mcm langit dan bumi.
Aku haluan kiri, dia haluan kanan.
Aku kutub utara, dia kutub selatan.
Aku suka A, dia suka Z.
Honestly, aku pun taktau macam mana kitorang boleh end up together. Tapi dah ketentuan Illahi kitorang bertemu kan ?


Sebelum 03052011, aku memang dah warning dia awal2 yang aku ni macam mana. Rasanya sekeliling yang kenal rapat dgn aku pun dah warning kot ? Percakapan aku memang kasar, tapi bukan bermakna aku kurang hajar dan taktau hormat orang. Bahasa aku 90% penuh makian dan kata-kata sesat. Senang cerita, aku bukan lah seorang perempuan yang ada ciri-ciri perempuan melayu terakhir. Memang jauh tersasar sgt2. Evenso, aku takde lah teruk sgt sampai tk reti nak cakap elok-elok, tk reti nak berbudi bahasa. Bukan nak backing diri tp aku masih tahu nak ckp dgn sopan santun, mohon maaf bila aku yg bersalah or mengalah bila bergaduh. BUKAN TK PERNAH LANGSUNG.


I'm a woman with my own principe. I stand on what I believe. Still, I do know how to tolerate sometimes. Pada aku, biarlah bahasa aku kasar pada mata orang, yang tahu aku sebenarnya, hanya dia. Luaran tk menjanjikan apa. Romantis aku, lembut aku, manja aku biarlah dia saja yang tahu macam mana. Aku tk kesah kalau luaran aku orang pandang serong. Asal dalaman aku, orang yang benar benar aku kasihi saja yang merasainya. Kalau luar buruk, tk semestinya dalam pun sama. Cara orang berbeza. Tak boleh nak samakan semua orang. Aku dengan cara aku, dia dengan cara dia. Even kitorang amat berbeza, yang pasti kitorang still boleh terima each other. Belajar utk memahami dan menerima. Jangan lah terus jatuh hukum. Jodoh pertemuan di tangan Tuhan.


Aku tau cara aku kasar. Tapi aku tkde niat nak mengontrol or membodoh2kan dia. Bukan aku tk reti dgr cakap orang langsung. Aku sayang dia. Kadang2 yea, aku terlebih emosi. Siapa yang tk pernah kann ? Kalau aku selalu sangat, mungkin itu kelemahan aku. Dan dia terima kelemahan aku. Pada masa yang sama, aku cuba perbaikinya. Aku takkan cakap " I'll prove to you guys that you are wrong by saying "kitorang tkkn lama".." sbb soal jodoh Tuhan yang tentukan. Whatever it is, we are trying our best to make things work. Kitorang sedar kitorang memang jauh. But instead of condeming us, why not you guys support us ? Kan lebih elok macam tu ? Mendoakan kebahagiaan kawan-kawan ? Kann ? ;)


Awk, I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings a lot. But as I have explained to you earlier, it doesn't mean that I don't love you or don't respect you. It's just that, what you or others want me to be, biar lah hanya awk saja yang tahu.




p/s: Mulut orang..kita boleh buat apa ? Memang Tuhan bg kita mulut untuk mengata orang lain pun. =_='

ngeng.

sometimes, commitments are just too much for me.

He texted me "Awk dah lain skrg :( " and tweeted "bagaikan ada rahsia di sebalik kelakuan mu" ... haih baru beberapa hari aku busy kerja siang malam, dah bising. Aku busy sangat2. Kejap2 terkejar sana sini. Kawan aku Sora msg pun aku tk dpt nak reply. Bestfriend aku Diane dah sampai Malaysia 3 hari pun aku tk jumpa2 lagi. Harry Potter dah kuar nak dekat seminggu pun aku tk pegi tgk lg. Bukan aku sengaja. The thing is, bila ada masa free dalam kesibukan aku kebelakangan ni, aku nak pamper diri jugak. Aku jenis yang kalau tgh tgk tv ke, makan ke, online ke, kalau orang msg, mmg aku tk layan. Cam aku lebih suka menyendiri. Herm sorry lah if aku mengabaikan boyfriend sendiri. But sometimes, girls just wanna have time of their own. I believe guys are too.





Lately, I miss being single. I miss loving my ownself.

ngeng.

time heal all wounds

My sister was having a problem with her gf this evening.. She was screaming and crying like crazy and it was hurting to see her like that. Reminds me of myself months ago. I know how it feels like. I really do.


Then she asked me the only question I never know how to answer .... " Macam mana Ija boleh jadi kuat ? "


Damn.


The truth is, I never was. Even to this day. Eventhough I have a boyfriend and has moved on already, still, there are times where I wished I could turn back time and make things right. But I eased myself by keep telling me that to love, is not necessary to possess. Aku takkan tipu - memang akan sakit. Sakit yang tak terperi. There are no heartbreak yang tak sakit. There will be times yang kita akan break down gila2, mengamuk mcm orang hilang akal, menangis sampai mata bengkak2... but all that will passed. It's just a matter of time cause time heal all wounds. We can never forget our past no matter how hard we try. Infact, sometimes I feel like, the harder I try, the harder it gets. So, we move on with all the pain inside. And slowly, the pain will lose itself. Just learn to let go, we will be just fine. Not happier, just fine.

ngeng.

nur kasih

Untuk pertama kalinya setelah beberapa bulan, lepas habis tanggalkan cutex, aku terus mandi wajib and join solat jemaah masa kenduri doa selamat kat rumah tadi. Aku pun taktau kenapa tiba2 aku terasa nak join. Sepanjang hidup aku, tk pernah aku join solat jemaah and bacaan yasin&tahlil everytime ada kenduri doa selamat kat mana-mana pun. Masa turun tangga dengan lengkap bertelekung, aku nmpak umi pandang aku dengan pandangan yang bersinar2.. Bersyukur plus terkejut agaknya anak bongsu dia ni tiba2 pakai telekung after quite sometime... Yea aku mengaku aku dah lama tinggalkan tanggungjawab dan kewajipan aku sbg umat islam. Aku mengatakan ini dengan perasaan malu yang amat, bukan dengan perasaan bangga. Dah lama tak sembah Tuhan, rasa tenang pulak tadi. Bila dengar Pak Ndak aku mengumandangkan azan, terasa bertuah pula Mak Ndak dapat berlakikan seorang laki yang beriman. Lunak sangat suara Pak Ndak azan tadi. Teringin nak berlakikan lelaki macam dia. Tapi, layak ke aku ? Herm, mungkin yang aku rasakan macam ada something yg hilang dalam hidup aku tu, ini lah sebenarnya. InsyaAllah, aku akan cuba terus menunaikan tuntutan wajib islam ni. Aku bukan nak berlagak baik or nak menunjuk yang aku dah berubah ke apa. Tak, aku belum yakin nak mengatakan yang aku dah berubah sepenuhnya. Sekadar ingin berkongsi pengalaman menarik aku hari ini. Iman aku tak kuat lagi.. masa yang akan menentukan.





Bilalah betul-betul nak terbukak hati pakai tudung ni... hmmmm...

ngeng.

HB Abg Haji !!

Happy 21st Birthday Qayyum !!!! Padan muka kena tepung ! Tapi thanks lahh kena kan sebijik telur kat aku. Cett ! Birthday dia, tapi aku pun kena gak. Pfft. Ni sume maam kau punya idea !! ;)

First time dalam hidup kena mandi tepung + telur !!!!

ngeng.

burung hantu

Hari hari macam ni tak larat aku. Orang pergi kerja, aku baru nak tidur. Bangun petang buat kerja rumah. Malam keluar melepak sampai pagi. Macam mana nak kerja kalau rutin hari2 kalah burung hantu ??? Everytime try nak tidur awal, mesti tk blh. Terkebil-kebil mata dok cuba nak tidur. Masuk tidur pukul 1, betul betul boleh tidur pukul 6 jugak !! Makin lama makin tua pulak aku tengok muka aku ni. Dengan badan makin gemok dok makan malam je keje. Lama-lama mmg mcm burung hantu rupa aku. Tua, mata lebam, gemok !!! Damn it ! I hate seeing myself in the mirror now. I miss my skinny (menipu sangat lah skinny) days....


So what do I do everynight yang tkblh tidur ? If I'm not hanging out with some friends, I would be watching 90210 or Masterchef Australia at home. Or online watching youtube or just stalking other people's FB. Sekarang ni pun aku dok google for tips on how to look young and some cooking recipes ! Or I would be cooking something ( pastu bukan makan pun ) ... Damn my life is sooo pathetic now !



Seriously, I can't wait for September !

ngeng.

i keep telling myself, love is just a feeling.

It's often that we heard, friendship comes first before love. Cause love might just be a feeling...friendship on the other hand, is a bonding. And usually, bonding last longer than feeling.

I used to choose friendship over love. I will never blame my friends and will always defend them no matter what, even if it means I have to lose the love of my life - it wasn't the brightest decision I've ever made. Cause now that my real love is gone, I am still lost even my friends are still around. However, thanks you guys for sticking around. Still, I need my love back.

Now that it is on its way, once again, I'm at the crossroads between friendship and love. I was hardly breathing when I lost my love before. Living like a living corpse wasn't the best moment in my life. Should I risk it again ? Will I be making the same mistake ? (Dont get me wrong, it's not that I'm saying choosing friendship over love was a mistake, no ! It's just that, I should have known how to balance both presence in my life. I was biased ) - now, I'm hoping I'm not anymore.

I love you, but I still need my friends around.

ngeng.

yes, i'm offended.

Bukan nak perasan, tapi memang dalam family, antara aku, Farah and Along, aku yg paling kononnya ada rupa lebih sikit dari yang lain. Ini bukan kes angkat bakul sendiri yea, tapi memang diiktiraf dari kaum family. Aku yang lagi terang2 lawa dari Along aku pun, suami dia boleh cakap, "Along lagi lawa dari Erra Fazira"...


Memang statement yang sangat konfiden dari Abg Saiful. Dia sangat sayang Along sampai dia rasa Along lah wanita tercantik di dunia bagi dia. Along is his everything, perfect in every single way. Padahal ada je lemak kiri kanan, hidung kembang sikit lagi dari aku, bontot besar. Tapi Abg Saiful yakin sangat yang Along lagi lawa dari Erra Fazira. Tergelak besar aku dgn Farah masa dgr statement Abg Saiful. Dah kena mandrem ke ape ?? Tapi kitorang tahu, Abg Saiful memang sangat sayangkan Along smpi dia rase Along yang paling terhebat.








Itu, aku sangat kagum.








You see, honesty is very important in every relationship, yes no doubt. But there are certain things yang kita perlu buat untuk jaga hati. Tipu untuk jaga hati takpe, jangan tipu untuk jaga tembelang. Ini baru betul orang kata tipu sunat. Menipu untuk jaga hati tak salah.





Bila aku tanya pada kau, "siapa lagi lawa ? saya ke dia ?.. awak jawab je jujur2.. " ...Don't you know that no matter who do you think is prettier, the answer should be me ? A woman likes to feel appreciated. Likes to be adored. Likes to think as if she's the only person that is everything to a man's heart no matter how many flaws she has. So when you answered "dia".... do you have any idea how frustrated I was ? Lagi-lagi bila tahu kau jujur habis, bukan bergurau. Aku rasa macam aku tak cukup bagus untuk kau. Aku terfikir, dimana ranking aku di mata kau ? Aku yang pertama kah ? Aku tertanya, kau masih ada perasaan pada dia ? Masih punya nafsu dan keinginan mahu kembali bersama dia ? Masih menunggu dia lagi ? Kau buat aku betul betul rasa kat paling bawah sekali. Aku sedar aku bukanlah cantik mana. Memang hodoh pun. But to hear it from the one I trusted most, memang sangat mengecewakan. Siapa lagi yang nak buat aku rasa berharga and bermakna kalau bukan kau ? Tapi kalau kau sendiri yang buat aku rasa tak konfiden dgn diri sendiri, mcm mana aku nak rasa dihargai ? Kau perlu tahu bila, mana, mcm mana, dan apa yang patut and yang tak patut kau buat or cakap bila dengan kekasih.






Yea. Aku memang terasa.

p/s: Cinta mati aku adalah Apa. Aku takkan boleh sayang orang lain mcm mana aku penah sayang Apa.


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Apa kau rasa kalau aku keluar statement macam ni depan2 kau ?

ngeng.