sober

I have an empty book. I bought it last month and up til now I still don't know what to do with it. I can't sleep so I started writing down all the things that is playing around in my mind. And now, I'm posting it here.


I cant sleep and it's already 4.am. There's just a lot going on in my mind. Of all the things that just can't be right in my life. I know I sound so ungrateful. But that's just how life is. When things are slowly falling apart, we just can't help but keep wondering how can we let things fall in a slip second. I wonder...people keep telling me that I'm a nice person, someone that sometimes can be rely on. Not a good daughter exactly, but a good friend and a great lover. But why do I keep getting shit if I'm nice ? Aren't good people suppose to have all the nice things ?


Is it me ? Do I let things to fall apart myself ? Who on earth would want to destroy everything ? Do I really ruin my own life ? Well if I did, I'm tasting my own medicine right now.


...........



I'm broken hearted. Maybe not like the first time I had it, but it sure does hurt. I met this one girl. We started texting and flirting and fell in love- or what I thought it was. I wasn't sure if it's for real or not, but I sure let myself slipped into the seduction. I fought but I lose. I let myself go, I opened up my heart hoping that it's gonna be worth it. But it didn't. After a while, I was left all alone without reason. Reason that I would really like to know why but I never ask cause I don't think I should know. Sometimes, there are certain things better left unsaid. And so, I let all the questions left with no answer.


But yeah, I was devastated. Big time.




8th Dec 2010 - " we are done "
- " i'm in love with someone else "



Wow, thanks !


I felt like a bride who just got left on the altar. Numb, speechless - broken hearted. I could beg, I didn't. Why should I ? Or I should have ? What difference will it make ? She left me speechless. I was so clueless.




9th Dec 2010 - "it's not you, it's me "


Of course !



Not a single text from anybody. Particularly from the one I hoped it would be. You see, even we were not technically together, but I stupidly was faithful to her. I did not text or fool around with anybody exp for her. If I knew back then, I would have. Then it hits me. I should start to let it go. Things that are lost, will never come back. Even if they do, they can never be the same again.





10th Dec 2010 - " i miss you calling me baby "


Hell yeah I do.



Still going strong. Or pretending to be. Trying to focus on what's more important in my life - myself. I'm clingy. I can't be alone. And I miss her calling me "baby". No one ever call me by that nick. I used to hate it when she said " i miss you " all the time. But now that it's nowhere to be heard, I crave for it ! Longing to be missed.




11th Dec 2010 - wrong message sent.


Purposely I supposed. Bullshit.




I have not shed a single tear since she left. But that night, I lose it. I lost control of everything that kept me strong. I cried. And cried. And cried. And cried. Why ? You left me ! And now this ? What's next ? "will you marry me "BABY" ?? " Just pull the trigger and kill me will you ? Better that way. Fast, painless and subtle. I prayed to God that if he would ever want to take my life away, might as well just be that night. I'm already a living corpse.





12th Dec 2010 - I would have it another way if I dont have to call you for help.


But still, thanks for helping me.




She was the last person on earth I would ask for help. But I was desperate and she was willing to help me. Thank you. My worst regret - to cry helplessly infront of her friend. Of course she will tell her ! What was I thinking ? I couldn't help myself. I wish I could. But seeing you so close to me but yet still so far, I just cant....I cant... damn ! I saw everything. I witnessed it all. It broke my heart, yes, no deny. But I was okay knowing that you are happy. What kind of person I am to not be happy when you are ? I'm not selfish. I can't have everything I want. I used to can. But heyy, this is life. Reality comes check in anytime it wants.




13th dec 2010 - sober up


I'm okay !




So now I can't sleep. I've been avoiding from listening to any sad or love songs. I've been avoiding from looking at our pictures together. I've been avoiding going to places I know I'd probably meet her. I've been avoiding everything that could relate to her. I was too afraid that I couldn't handle it.


But not tonight.



I turn the playlist on and listen to every sad and love song there is. I scroll down our pictures one by one, staring at them at every inch. Cry myself out loud for the last time. Smoke to the last ciggie left. Flashing back all the memories - of how we met and all the fun I had with her. And when there's nothing left to do, I get my ass up, wash my face over and over again, look myself in the mirror, smile and drop everything there, leaving all the things I should have left from the moment she said " we are done ".


I'm a tough bitch ! As I walked back to my bed, I promised myself that I will never let anybody win over my heart and crush it heartlessly ever again. I will never break down and cry for something that is not worth it. I'm dying here and she's laughing there ?! No. Never again. Don't get me wrong. I'm not giving up hope on anything. It's just that, I'll never let anyone do the things she did to me.


There's a voice inside my head saying that maybe, I'm broken hearted because I didn't win. Maybe. Because I was sure that I wasn't really totally absolutely into her that much. But why am I so messed up when she left ? You see, I never get dumped. I always win. I play with my rules. And I was so stupid to let her play, her rules. It's okay. I'm not mad. I'm just - numb. I guess, it just never meant to be. And at this very moment, I'm letting it all go.



Shuuhhhhhhh shuhhhhhh ! Go away pain. Let me live painlessly.






To you.


You see, I could be the one.



Call me perasan or whatever you want. You know it's true. And it's your lost to let it slip away. HAHA. Cliche aite ? I know. But damn it's true. Cause I was determined to be it. Nevermind. Everything will be okay for me from now on. I've let it all go. I can now stare at your annoyingly beautiful eyes without crying. I never hate you and I never will despite what you've done. Cause you taught me something. Yeah you did. Something that I will forever remember - never trust something that is unreal.

*knock knock !

who's there ?
me !
me who ?
Phye 'Alaina. The sober version.

ngeng.