had enough.

I'm at a point where I'm bursting and blowing my brains out. I just can't handle anything anymore. Am I a selfish person ? I refuse to believe so if it's true. Cause I know I'm not. What is it that I do that is so wrong and put me in this kind of situation ? This kind of feeling ? I hate this. A bad way to start my new year. I always hope for the best for everyone and myself. But why is it me who always get the shit of everything ?


I was obey but I got cheated and beat up.
I was faithful but I got dumped.
I was honest but I got played.
I was good but I got grounded.
I was nice but I got booed.


What ??? Is it too much that I'm asking for ? Or I asked the wrong person ? What ? Is it so hard to appreciate me ? Is it so hard to just treat me nice without pretending ? What ? Where do I go wrong ??????? Just freaking tell me !


I'm a mess when I'm alone. Damn I'm lonely. I'm honest to give all of my love and determination. I'm offering something that is so pure, why refuse ?


Yeah maybe you're right. I can't live without love. Screw you. I'll prove you wrong.


People tend to bring us down. So from now on, I'll try not to need anything from anyone. Kannn Diane ? Wish you're here babe :'(

ngeng.

ridin solo

I'm moving on with my life with or without you. If you want me to want you, let's roll with me. But if you don't, fine. Suit yourself, you are free to go.




I am talking to you. Yeah you.

ngeng.

auumm auumm !

Kau ni takdelah handsome sangat. Tapi tadi aku tengok kat t.v cam handsome lah pulak tetibe. Ahh yang kat bawah ni tetap pujaan hati aku. HAHA. Ape pun thankslah kasi score tadi. Malaysia boleh ! Go go go power rimau !! Auum auum ! hee :)







Dek wan napo injured laie ? Cepatlah sihat k ? Nak tgk kau atas padang lagi. Kau sebab aku rajin pegi tengok bola Malaysia tau ! Hee :)

p/s: fuck Ayu Raudhah !

ngeng.

good things are hard to get.

There are 5 stages. I've went through stage 1.



Hellllooooooo stage 2 ! Damn.



damn u. Ada stage2 pulakk kan ? Takpe. If this is what you have to do to see I wasn't lying and sincere to you, fine. I'll take your challenge. Bak tang ! Haha. :)


p/s: easy come, easy go. tak senang datang, tak senang pergilah kan ? hmmm.

ngeng.

u give me candy so that i'll stop crying.

"jelmaan semula ex ***** " ???

herm....taktau it's a good thing or a bad thing. Either way, I take it as a compliment.
Aku anggap as pujian walaupun aku tak sure benda ni positif or negatif. Haha. Aku nangis kau pujuk cam budak kecik yea ? Bengong. Hahaha.



Thanks for trying to make me laugh. I like you even more now. :)

ngeng.

aku benci perkataan "blahh"

babi babi babi pantek. haa dah lama tak mencarut. kimak seyh apesal aku cam jiwa kacau gile ni ? ehh tolonglah phye. kau bukan jenis cepat tacink kan ? apesal seyh kau mcm ni ? stop lah nangis. stoplah. rosak keyboard kau ni kang. mencurah-curah air mata atas keyboard ni. please stop. last time aku nangis mcm ni masa dalam kereta kay baru lepas hantar chacha. aku menangis kaw2 punya tak ingat orang sampai kay pun taktau nak buat ape. kau nak cakap aku yang soh kau blahh dulu ? wehh kalau aku nak kau blahh, takde aku mcm org bodoh lahh tunggu kau. haih. sumpah aku taknak kau blahh. bukan sebab ape yg kita dah buat. tapi sebab aku sayang kau. aku taktau kenapa and macam mane aku boleh sayang kau. hati aku mmg lembut. kau pun tanya aku kenapa kan ? aku honestly tak dapat jawab kenapa. tapi satu yang aku tau, bila dengan kau, aku rasa selamat and secure. aku rasa macam selesa ada kau. bila kau peluk aku, aku rase macam kau akan protect aku dari apa pun. fizikal, mental, emosi. memang tu yang aku nak. semua perempuan akan nak satu perasaan selamat dengan kekasih dorang. and aku dapat rasa tu bila dgn kau. herm..bodoh kan ? entah pape lah. aku menangis lagi. aku benci menangis lahhh ! aku bukan cengeng yg cepat nangis so bile once aku nangis, aku susah nak stop ! fcuk lahhh.. aku nak kau. tapi aku taknak kau kalau kau taknak aku. aku taknak kau semak. aku taknak kau pikir aku ikat kau. jgn sbb ape yg kite dah buat, kau fikir kau kena stay. taknak !! aku nak kau stay sbb kau nak ! sbb kau sayang aku. bukan sbb kau bertanggungjawab. kau laki. aku perempuan. aku paham. tapi aku taknak kau treat aku mcm yg sepatut kau treat aku bila bnd2 mcm ni jadi. ape yg kite buat aku tak anggap as a mistake. so kau tak perlu tebus ape2 dengan aku. kalau kau takde hati kat aku, aku relakan kau pergi. aku okay. bukan sekali aku penah patah hati. herm...kalau tanya kata hati, mmg taknak kau pergi. tapi kalau itu yg kau nak, pergi. walau apa pun, aku tetap akan sayang kau. sbb hati aku dah bg kat kau. haa amek kau ! kan dah mcm jiwang aku haa. tu lah aku dah ckp aku cam jiwa kacau sikit. tapi aku tak tacink ea. aku bukan emo. tolonglah. yea aku sedikit drama queen. tapi aku tersangat lah bukan emo punya orang. herm. sayang kau.

ngeng.

erased memory,

Someone once planned to go out on a date with me a few weeks ago. I wasn't excited. I was scared. It seems like..I haven't been on a date for quite some time. I can't even remember when was the last time I dated. Like seriously ! Pathetic aite ? I used to be good in this. I mean the flirting, the topics to chat about, how to keep the conversation interesting and stuff...I used to know these stuffs. But now...I don't even have a clue ! But screw the date now. It ain't gonna happen.



I forgot a lot of things. I forgot how does a true kiss feels like, the feeling of being madly in love, the joy of success, the happiness in every celebration. I forgot it all. Like what is going on ?
All I'm asking is to be happy again. To have sparks and passion in my life. Cause it seems like...I've lost my glitter. I don't know what went wrong but I'm gonna fix it. Yeah, I'm gona fix it.


Orang kata, kalau kita go through all of it dgn yang tersayang, jadi lagi bermakna. Kalau lah aku ada.. But its okay. Aku tak butuh siapa-siapa untuk terus hidup. Aku paling benci bila orang cakap aku tak boleh hidup tanpa cinta. Aku boleh survive sendiri. Tapi tak salah kalau kite tambah seri dalam hidup kan ? Hari hari aku sekarang pun tanpa orang. Takpe. Aku tunggu... Herm so now...mcm apa yang aku ckp, no cliche resolution for me this coming new year. Aku bedal je ape pun yang terbentang untuk aku. Lets just hope the best for me okay ?

ngeng.

age is not just a number.

I was picking up my sis Along from work this evening with Ed, her brother in law. While waiting, we chat a little bit. He told me that he prefers to date older women. Then I asked him why ? He said because older women are more mature. Are they ?

How about older men ? Herm.. I'm about to find out. Hee :)

How about you darly ?

ngeng.

2011

Every new year, it has always been the same resolution for most people. To be better , to spent lesser, to work harder, to achieve more...bla bla bla bla. Bulls.

Well this year, no more bulls resolution for me. What I'm gonna do for the coming new year is to do whatever shit I wanna do. Dalam erti kata lain...aku bedallll je ape pun ! Ape nak jadi, jadi.

ngeng.

dear awak,

Ribut taufan aku tempuh.

Maut jelma seimbas aku rasa.

Disisih seolah kurap aku kena.

Semua pernah aku hadapi.

Masalah seakan kebas dengan diri.

Ujikaji aku. Bentangkan segala musibah.

Seluas depa aku tadah, sebesar hati aku terima.

Tapi persoalannya, adakah kau berbaloi untuk semua itu ?

Jangan uji aku kalau niat sekadar ingin melihat.

Pergi jika keinginan kau bukan aku.

Seperti mana keinginan aku adalah kau.

Aku ikhlas. Tiada agenda tersembunyi.

Kebaikan kau aku dapat lihat.

Bukan sekelumit, tapi segantang.

Yang segantang itu aku kejarkan.

Mencuit hati aku saat difikirkan.

Aku boleh hidup tanpa apa-apa.

Yang aku perlu hanya Tuhan.

Tapi kenapa perlu sisihkan kurniaanNya kalau itu yang mendatang ?

Kan aku nantikan kau.

Percaya kata aku. Setiap baris bukan dusta.

Aku juga takut. Menggigil tidak terbendung.

Mungkin kau pilihan yang salah.

Nafsu bisa membutakan mata.

Yang jelas tidak terlihat.

Tapi kerana niat, aku berani.

Kerna Tuhan bersama mereka yang ikhlas.

ngeng.

ngeng.

how i wish i'm heartless

Kenapa dengan yang ini pun jiwa dan mental aku dicabar ? Muka aku ni ada tertampal " jangan percaya perempuan ni, dia penipu tak setia" ??? Everytime aku azam nak jadi yang terbaik, mesti ada je benda yang mengundang aku. This is why aku banyak melilau lately. Aku ikhlas, aku jujur. Tolong jangan test aku. Cukuplah dengan apa yang aku dah go through sebelum ni. Tolong jangan cabar kesabaran aku. Aku takut sampai satu masa, kepercayaan dalam diri aku pun dah takde sebab orang-orang macam kau. Jangan sampai rasa cinta dan kasih sayang dalam diri aku mati. Aku taknak jadi orang heartless. Please.

ngeng.

you.

Maybe his brother is right. But knowing me... I like risks. So yeah. Heyy you. I will win you.

ngeng.

desperado.

I have been eating non-stop lately. Bangun terus cari makanan. I dont eat chocolate that much. But termasuk the last one, tu dah my 5th chocolate bar in two days ! What the fuck lah weh ! I dont know why and what the hell is wrong with me. Nak kata nak period, still, tak penah pulak kannn nak makan macam org kebulur gile tak penah makan. I gain 3kg back. Buang mase je diet hari tu.



I dont eat when I'm stress. I guess I'm happy now so thats why I've been eating non-stop. But when come to think of it, what am I happy for when my life is upside down ?

This is my era of desperation. Ohh please people. I'm not easy. I'm just lonely. Damn.

ngeng.

sober

I have an empty book. I bought it last month and up til now I still don't know what to do with it. I can't sleep so I started writing down all the things that is playing around in my mind. And now, I'm posting it here.


I cant sleep and it's already 4.am. There's just a lot going on in my mind. Of all the things that just can't be right in my life. I know I sound so ungrateful. But that's just how life is. When things are slowly falling apart, we just can't help but keep wondering how can we let things fall in a slip second. I wonder...people keep telling me that I'm a nice person, someone that sometimes can be rely on. Not a good daughter exactly, but a good friend and a great lover. But why do I keep getting shit if I'm nice ? Aren't good people suppose to have all the nice things ?


Is it me ? Do I let things to fall apart myself ? Who on earth would want to destroy everything ? Do I really ruin my own life ? Well if I did, I'm tasting my own medicine right now.


...........



I'm broken hearted. Maybe not like the first time I had it, but it sure does hurt. I met this one girl. We started texting and flirting and fell in love- or what I thought it was. I wasn't sure if it's for real or not, but I sure let myself slipped into the seduction. I fought but I lose. I let myself go, I opened up my heart hoping that it's gonna be worth it. But it didn't. After a while, I was left all alone without reason. Reason that I would really like to know why but I never ask cause I don't think I should know. Sometimes, there are certain things better left unsaid. And so, I let all the questions left with no answer.


But yeah, I was devastated. Big time.




8th Dec 2010 - " we are done "
- " i'm in love with someone else "



Wow, thanks !


I felt like a bride who just got left on the altar. Numb, speechless - broken hearted. I could beg, I didn't. Why should I ? Or I should have ? What difference will it make ? She left me speechless. I was so clueless.




9th Dec 2010 - "it's not you, it's me "


Of course !



Not a single text from anybody. Particularly from the one I hoped it would be. You see, even we were not technically together, but I stupidly was faithful to her. I did not text or fool around with anybody exp for her. If I knew back then, I would have. Then it hits me. I should start to let it go. Things that are lost, will never come back. Even if they do, they can never be the same again.





10th Dec 2010 - " i miss you calling me baby "


Hell yeah I do.



Still going strong. Or pretending to be. Trying to focus on what's more important in my life - myself. I'm clingy. I can't be alone. And I miss her calling me "baby". No one ever call me by that nick. I used to hate it when she said " i miss you " all the time. But now that it's nowhere to be heard, I crave for it ! Longing to be missed.




11th Dec 2010 - wrong message sent.


Purposely I supposed. Bullshit.




I have not shed a single tear since she left. But that night, I lose it. I lost control of everything that kept me strong. I cried. And cried. And cried. And cried. Why ? You left me ! And now this ? What's next ? "will you marry me "BABY" ?? " Just pull the trigger and kill me will you ? Better that way. Fast, painless and subtle. I prayed to God that if he would ever want to take my life away, might as well just be that night. I'm already a living corpse.





12th Dec 2010 - I would have it another way if I dont have to call you for help.


But still, thanks for helping me.




She was the last person on earth I would ask for help. But I was desperate and she was willing to help me. Thank you. My worst regret - to cry helplessly infront of her friend. Of course she will tell her ! What was I thinking ? I couldn't help myself. I wish I could. But seeing you so close to me but yet still so far, I just cant....I cant... damn ! I saw everything. I witnessed it all. It broke my heart, yes, no deny. But I was okay knowing that you are happy. What kind of person I am to not be happy when you are ? I'm not selfish. I can't have everything I want. I used to can. But heyy, this is life. Reality comes check in anytime it wants.




13th dec 2010 - sober up


I'm okay !




So now I can't sleep. I've been avoiding from listening to any sad or love songs. I've been avoiding from looking at our pictures together. I've been avoiding going to places I know I'd probably meet her. I've been avoiding everything that could relate to her. I was too afraid that I couldn't handle it.


But not tonight.



I turn the playlist on and listen to every sad and love song there is. I scroll down our pictures one by one, staring at them at every inch. Cry myself out loud for the last time. Smoke to the last ciggie left. Flashing back all the memories - of how we met and all the fun I had with her. And when there's nothing left to do, I get my ass up, wash my face over and over again, look myself in the mirror, smile and drop everything there, leaving all the things I should have left from the moment she said " we are done ".


I'm a tough bitch ! As I walked back to my bed, I promised myself that I will never let anybody win over my heart and crush it heartlessly ever again. I will never break down and cry for something that is not worth it. I'm dying here and she's laughing there ?! No. Never again. Don't get me wrong. I'm not giving up hope on anything. It's just that, I'll never let anyone do the things she did to me.


There's a voice inside my head saying that maybe, I'm broken hearted because I didn't win. Maybe. Because I was sure that I wasn't really totally absolutely into her that much. But why am I so messed up when she left ? You see, I never get dumped. I always win. I play with my rules. And I was so stupid to let her play, her rules. It's okay. I'm not mad. I'm just - numb. I guess, it just never meant to be. And at this very moment, I'm letting it all go.



Shuuhhhhhhh shuhhhhhh ! Go away pain. Let me live painlessly.






To you.


You see, I could be the one.



Call me perasan or whatever you want. You know it's true. And it's your lost to let it slip away. HAHA. Cliche aite ? I know. But damn it's true. Cause I was determined to be it. Nevermind. Everything will be okay for me from now on. I've let it all go. I can now stare at your annoyingly beautiful eyes without crying. I never hate you and I never will despite what you've done. Cause you taught me something. Yeah you did. Something that I will forever remember - never trust something that is unreal.

*knock knock !

who's there ?
me !
me who ?
Phye 'Alaina. The sober version.

ngeng.

rehab

...." i guess this is what i get for wishful thinking..
I should've never let you into my door..."

.." you gotta go, i gotta win myself over you"

ngeng.

Lagi sebulan, jumpa aku kat Tanjung Rambutan okay ?

ngeng.

checkmate

You don't make people fall for you and just leave them when they need you the most.
Don't say that you love them if you're gonna break their hearts.
Don't give them hopes if you're just fooling around.
You will just be another mother fucker, stucked up self-conscious bitch.

ngeng.

Kata tahniah aku.

Hancur. Hancur musnah. Kata kau sayang. Kata kau cinta.
Kerana ego semua mati.
Yang silam pergi. Yang cinta hilang.
Terpadam tanpa rela.
Kepercayaan dirobek. Perasaan terguris.
Masa hadapan hitam. Yang dirancang terbengkalai.
Puas kau ? Senang sudah ?
Kau menang. Sambut piala kau.
Segala yang kau ingin, kini milik kau.
Tahniah.

ngeng.

Fie, thanks. I love you kawan :)

ngeng.