had enough.

I'm at a point where I'm bursting and blowing my brains out. I just can't handle anything anymore. Am I a selfish person ? I refuse to believe so if it's true. Cause I know I'm not. What is it that I do that is so wrong and put me in this kind of situation ? This kind of feeling ? I hate this. A bad way to start my new year. I always hope for the best for everyone and myself. But why is it me who always get the shit of everything ?


I was obey but I got cheated and beat up.
I was faithful but I got dumped.
I was honest but I got played.
I was good but I got grounded.
I was nice but I got booed.


What ??? Is it too much that I'm asking for ? Or I asked the wrong person ? What ? Is it so hard to appreciate me ? Is it so hard to just treat me nice without pretending ? What ? Where do I go wrong ??????? Just freaking tell me !


I'm a mess when I'm alone. Damn I'm lonely. I'm honest to give all of my love and determination. I'm offering something that is so pure, why refuse ?


Yeah maybe you're right. I can't live without love. Screw you. I'll prove you wrong.


People tend to bring us down. So from now on, I'll try not to need anything from anyone. Kannn Diane ? Wish you're here babe :'(

ngeng.

ridin solo

I'm moving on with my life with or without you. If you want me to want you, let's roll with me. But if you don't, fine. Suit yourself, you are free to go.




I am talking to you. Yeah you.

ngeng.

auumm auumm !

Kau ni takdelah handsome sangat. Tapi tadi aku tengok kat t.v cam handsome lah pulak tetibe. Ahh yang kat bawah ni tetap pujaan hati aku. HAHA. Ape pun thankslah kasi score tadi. Malaysia boleh ! Go go go power rimau !! Auum auum ! hee :)







Dek wan napo injured laie ? Cepatlah sihat k ? Nak tgk kau atas padang lagi. Kau sebab aku rajin pegi tengok bola Malaysia tau ! Hee :)

p/s: fuck Ayu Raudhah !

ngeng.

good things are hard to get.

There are 5 stages. I've went through stage 1.



Hellllooooooo stage 2 ! Damn.



damn u. Ada stage2 pulakk kan ? Takpe. If this is what you have to do to see I wasn't lying and sincere to you, fine. I'll take your challenge. Bak tang ! Haha. :)


p/s: easy come, easy go. tak senang datang, tak senang pergilah kan ? hmmm.

ngeng.

u give me candy so that i'll stop crying.

"jelmaan semula ex ***** " ???

herm....taktau it's a good thing or a bad thing. Either way, I take it as a compliment.
Aku anggap as pujian walaupun aku tak sure benda ni positif or negatif. Haha. Aku nangis kau pujuk cam budak kecik yea ? Bengong. Hahaha.



Thanks for trying to make me laugh. I like you even more now. :)

ngeng.

aku benci perkataan "blahh"

babi babi babi pantek. haa dah lama tak mencarut. kimak seyh apesal aku cam jiwa kacau gile ni ? ehh tolonglah phye. kau bukan jenis cepat tacink kan ? apesal seyh kau mcm ni ? stop lah nangis. stoplah. rosak keyboard kau ni kang. mencurah-curah air mata atas keyboard ni. please stop. last time aku nangis mcm ni masa dalam kereta kay baru lepas hantar chacha. aku menangis kaw2 punya tak ingat orang sampai kay pun taktau nak buat ape. kau nak cakap aku yang soh kau blahh dulu ? wehh kalau aku nak kau blahh, takde aku mcm org bodoh lahh tunggu kau. haih. sumpah aku taknak kau blahh. bukan sebab ape yg kita dah buat. tapi sebab aku sayang kau. aku taktau kenapa and macam mane aku boleh sayang kau. hati aku mmg lembut. kau pun tanya aku kenapa kan ? aku honestly tak dapat jawab kenapa. tapi satu yang aku tau, bila dengan kau, aku rasa selamat and secure. aku rasa macam selesa ada kau. bila kau peluk aku, aku rase macam kau akan protect aku dari apa pun. fizikal, mental, emosi. memang tu yang aku nak. semua perempuan akan nak satu perasaan selamat dengan kekasih dorang. and aku dapat rasa tu bila dgn kau. herm..bodoh kan ? entah pape lah. aku menangis lagi. aku benci menangis lahhh ! aku bukan cengeng yg cepat nangis so bile once aku nangis, aku susah nak stop ! fcuk lahhh.. aku nak kau. tapi aku taknak kau kalau kau taknak aku. aku taknak kau semak. aku taknak kau pikir aku ikat kau. jgn sbb ape yg kite dah buat, kau fikir kau kena stay. taknak !! aku nak kau stay sbb kau nak ! sbb kau sayang aku. bukan sbb kau bertanggungjawab. kau laki. aku perempuan. aku paham. tapi aku taknak kau treat aku mcm yg sepatut kau treat aku bila bnd2 mcm ni jadi. ape yg kite buat aku tak anggap as a mistake. so kau tak perlu tebus ape2 dengan aku. kalau kau takde hati kat aku, aku relakan kau pergi. aku okay. bukan sekali aku penah patah hati. herm...kalau tanya kata hati, mmg taknak kau pergi. tapi kalau itu yg kau nak, pergi. walau apa pun, aku tetap akan sayang kau. sbb hati aku dah bg kat kau. haa amek kau ! kan dah mcm jiwang aku haa. tu lah aku dah ckp aku cam jiwa kacau sikit. tapi aku tak tacink ea. aku bukan emo. tolonglah. yea aku sedikit drama queen. tapi aku tersangat lah bukan emo punya orang. herm. sayang kau.

ngeng.

erased memory,

Someone once planned to go out on a date with me a few weeks ago. I wasn't excited. I was scared. It seems like..I haven't been on a date for quite some time. I can't even remember when was the last time I dated. Like seriously ! Pathetic aite ? I used to be good in this. I mean the flirting, the topics to chat about, how to keep the conversation interesting and stuff...I used to know these stuffs. But now...I don't even have a clue ! But screw the date now. It ain't gonna happen.



I forgot a lot of things. I forgot how does a true kiss feels like, the feeling of being madly in love, the joy of success, the happiness in every celebration. I forgot it all. Like what is going on ?
All I'm asking is to be happy again. To have sparks and passion in my life. Cause it seems like...I've lost my glitter. I don't know what went wrong but I'm gonna fix it. Yeah, I'm gona fix it.


Orang kata, kalau kita go through all of it dgn yang tersayang, jadi lagi bermakna. Kalau lah aku ada.. But its okay. Aku tak butuh siapa-siapa untuk terus hidup. Aku paling benci bila orang cakap aku tak boleh hidup tanpa cinta. Aku boleh survive sendiri. Tapi tak salah kalau kite tambah seri dalam hidup kan ? Hari hari aku sekarang pun tanpa orang. Takpe. Aku tunggu... Herm so now...mcm apa yang aku ckp, no cliche resolution for me this coming new year. Aku bedal je ape pun yang terbentang untuk aku. Lets just hope the best for me okay ?

ngeng.

age is not just a number.

I was picking up my sis Along from work this evening with Ed, her brother in law. While waiting, we chat a little bit. He told me that he prefers to date older women. Then I asked him why ? He said because older women are more mature. Are they ?

How about older men ? Herm.. I'm about to find out. Hee :)

How about you darly ?

ngeng.

2011

Every new year, it has always been the same resolution for most people. To be better , to spent lesser, to work harder, to achieve more...bla bla bla bla. Bulls.

Well this year, no more bulls resolution for me. What I'm gonna do for the coming new year is to do whatever shit I wanna do. Dalam erti kata lain...aku bedallll je ape pun ! Ape nak jadi, jadi.

ngeng.

dear awak,

Ribut taufan aku tempuh.

Maut jelma seimbas aku rasa.

Disisih seolah kurap aku kena.

Semua pernah aku hadapi.

Masalah seakan kebas dengan diri.

Ujikaji aku. Bentangkan segala musibah.

Seluas depa aku tadah, sebesar hati aku terima.

Tapi persoalannya, adakah kau berbaloi untuk semua itu ?

Jangan uji aku kalau niat sekadar ingin melihat.

Pergi jika keinginan kau bukan aku.

Seperti mana keinginan aku adalah kau.

Aku ikhlas. Tiada agenda tersembunyi.

Kebaikan kau aku dapat lihat.

Bukan sekelumit, tapi segantang.

Yang segantang itu aku kejarkan.

Mencuit hati aku saat difikirkan.

Aku boleh hidup tanpa apa-apa.

Yang aku perlu hanya Tuhan.

Tapi kenapa perlu sisihkan kurniaanNya kalau itu yang mendatang ?

Kan aku nantikan kau.

Percaya kata aku. Setiap baris bukan dusta.

Aku juga takut. Menggigil tidak terbendung.

Mungkin kau pilihan yang salah.

Nafsu bisa membutakan mata.

Yang jelas tidak terlihat.

Tapi kerana niat, aku berani.

Kerna Tuhan bersama mereka yang ikhlas.

ngeng.

ngeng.

how i wish i'm heartless

Kenapa dengan yang ini pun jiwa dan mental aku dicabar ? Muka aku ni ada tertampal " jangan percaya perempuan ni, dia penipu tak setia" ??? Everytime aku azam nak jadi yang terbaik, mesti ada je benda yang mengundang aku. This is why aku banyak melilau lately. Aku ikhlas, aku jujur. Tolong jangan test aku. Cukuplah dengan apa yang aku dah go through sebelum ni. Tolong jangan cabar kesabaran aku. Aku takut sampai satu masa, kepercayaan dalam diri aku pun dah takde sebab orang-orang macam kau. Jangan sampai rasa cinta dan kasih sayang dalam diri aku mati. Aku taknak jadi orang heartless. Please.

ngeng.

you.

Maybe his brother is right. But knowing me... I like risks. So yeah. Heyy you. I will win you.

ngeng.

desperado.

I have been eating non-stop lately. Bangun terus cari makanan. I dont eat chocolate that much. But termasuk the last one, tu dah my 5th chocolate bar in two days ! What the fuck lah weh ! I dont know why and what the hell is wrong with me. Nak kata nak period, still, tak penah pulak kannn nak makan macam org kebulur gile tak penah makan. I gain 3kg back. Buang mase je diet hari tu.



I dont eat when I'm stress. I guess I'm happy now so thats why I've been eating non-stop. But when come to think of it, what am I happy for when my life is upside down ?

This is my era of desperation. Ohh please people. I'm not easy. I'm just lonely. Damn.

ngeng.

sober

I have an empty book. I bought it last month and up til now I still don't know what to do with it. I can't sleep so I started writing down all the things that is playing around in my mind. And now, I'm posting it here.


I cant sleep and it's already 4.am. There's just a lot going on in my mind. Of all the things that just can't be right in my life. I know I sound so ungrateful. But that's just how life is. When things are slowly falling apart, we just can't help but keep wondering how can we let things fall in a slip second. I wonder...people keep telling me that I'm a nice person, someone that sometimes can be rely on. Not a good daughter exactly, but a good friend and a great lover. But why do I keep getting shit if I'm nice ? Aren't good people suppose to have all the nice things ?


Is it me ? Do I let things to fall apart myself ? Who on earth would want to destroy everything ? Do I really ruin my own life ? Well if I did, I'm tasting my own medicine right now.


...........



I'm broken hearted. Maybe not like the first time I had it, but it sure does hurt. I met this one girl. We started texting and flirting and fell in love- or what I thought it was. I wasn't sure if it's for real or not, but I sure let myself slipped into the seduction. I fought but I lose. I let myself go, I opened up my heart hoping that it's gonna be worth it. But it didn't. After a while, I was left all alone without reason. Reason that I would really like to know why but I never ask cause I don't think I should know. Sometimes, there are certain things better left unsaid. And so, I let all the questions left with no answer.


But yeah, I was devastated. Big time.




8th Dec 2010 - " we are done "
- " i'm in love with someone else "



Wow, thanks !


I felt like a bride who just got left on the altar. Numb, speechless - broken hearted. I could beg, I didn't. Why should I ? Or I should have ? What difference will it make ? She left me speechless. I was so clueless.




9th Dec 2010 - "it's not you, it's me "


Of course !



Not a single text from anybody. Particularly from the one I hoped it would be. You see, even we were not technically together, but I stupidly was faithful to her. I did not text or fool around with anybody exp for her. If I knew back then, I would have. Then it hits me. I should start to let it go. Things that are lost, will never come back. Even if they do, they can never be the same again.





10th Dec 2010 - " i miss you calling me baby "


Hell yeah I do.



Still going strong. Or pretending to be. Trying to focus on what's more important in my life - myself. I'm clingy. I can't be alone. And I miss her calling me "baby". No one ever call me by that nick. I used to hate it when she said " i miss you " all the time. But now that it's nowhere to be heard, I crave for it ! Longing to be missed.




11th Dec 2010 - wrong message sent.


Purposely I supposed. Bullshit.




I have not shed a single tear since she left. But that night, I lose it. I lost control of everything that kept me strong. I cried. And cried. And cried. And cried. Why ? You left me ! And now this ? What's next ? "will you marry me "BABY" ?? " Just pull the trigger and kill me will you ? Better that way. Fast, painless and subtle. I prayed to God that if he would ever want to take my life away, might as well just be that night. I'm already a living corpse.





12th Dec 2010 - I would have it another way if I dont have to call you for help.


But still, thanks for helping me.




She was the last person on earth I would ask for help. But I was desperate and she was willing to help me. Thank you. My worst regret - to cry helplessly infront of her friend. Of course she will tell her ! What was I thinking ? I couldn't help myself. I wish I could. But seeing you so close to me but yet still so far, I just cant....I cant... damn ! I saw everything. I witnessed it all. It broke my heart, yes, no deny. But I was okay knowing that you are happy. What kind of person I am to not be happy when you are ? I'm not selfish. I can't have everything I want. I used to can. But heyy, this is life. Reality comes check in anytime it wants.




13th dec 2010 - sober up


I'm okay !




So now I can't sleep. I've been avoiding from listening to any sad or love songs. I've been avoiding from looking at our pictures together. I've been avoiding going to places I know I'd probably meet her. I've been avoiding everything that could relate to her. I was too afraid that I couldn't handle it.


But not tonight.



I turn the playlist on and listen to every sad and love song there is. I scroll down our pictures one by one, staring at them at every inch. Cry myself out loud for the last time. Smoke to the last ciggie left. Flashing back all the memories - of how we met and all the fun I had with her. And when there's nothing left to do, I get my ass up, wash my face over and over again, look myself in the mirror, smile and drop everything there, leaving all the things I should have left from the moment she said " we are done ".


I'm a tough bitch ! As I walked back to my bed, I promised myself that I will never let anybody win over my heart and crush it heartlessly ever again. I will never break down and cry for something that is not worth it. I'm dying here and she's laughing there ?! No. Never again. Don't get me wrong. I'm not giving up hope on anything. It's just that, I'll never let anyone do the things she did to me.


There's a voice inside my head saying that maybe, I'm broken hearted because I didn't win. Maybe. Because I was sure that I wasn't really totally absolutely into her that much. But why am I so messed up when she left ? You see, I never get dumped. I always win. I play with my rules. And I was so stupid to let her play, her rules. It's okay. I'm not mad. I'm just - numb. I guess, it just never meant to be. And at this very moment, I'm letting it all go.



Shuuhhhhhhh shuhhhhhh ! Go away pain. Let me live painlessly.






To you.


You see, I could be the one.



Call me perasan or whatever you want. You know it's true. And it's your lost to let it slip away. HAHA. Cliche aite ? I know. But damn it's true. Cause I was determined to be it. Nevermind. Everything will be okay for me from now on. I've let it all go. I can now stare at your annoyingly beautiful eyes without crying. I never hate you and I never will despite what you've done. Cause you taught me something. Yeah you did. Something that I will forever remember - never trust something that is unreal.

*knock knock !

who's there ?
me !
me who ?
Phye 'Alaina. The sober version.

ngeng.

rehab

...." i guess this is what i get for wishful thinking..
I should've never let you into my door..."

.." you gotta go, i gotta win myself over you"

ngeng.

Lagi sebulan, jumpa aku kat Tanjung Rambutan okay ?

ngeng.

checkmate

You don't make people fall for you and just leave them when they need you the most.
Don't say that you love them if you're gonna break their hearts.
Don't give them hopes if you're just fooling around.
You will just be another mother fucker, stucked up self-conscious bitch.

ngeng.

Kata tahniah aku.

Hancur. Hancur musnah. Kata kau sayang. Kata kau cinta.
Kerana ego semua mati.
Yang silam pergi. Yang cinta hilang.
Terpadam tanpa rela.
Kepercayaan dirobek. Perasaan terguris.
Masa hadapan hitam. Yang dirancang terbengkalai.
Puas kau ? Senang sudah ?
Kau menang. Sambut piala kau.
Segala yang kau ingin, kini milik kau.
Tahniah.

ngeng.

Fie, thanks. I love you kawan :)

ngeng.

Dah bukak dah. Baca lah ape nak baca. Bukan ada pape pun.




Unlike you, I have nothing to hide ;)

ngeng.

easy come, but please don't ever go :(

.........

..............

.................

....................

.......................

...........................

..............................

..................................

Damn. I'm lost in words. You got me in too deep. Too deep. Too deep.



Stop !



Before I'm in toooooo deep. Unless if you want me to. Do you ?

ngeng.

beat the man, not the bitch.

I just finished reading "beat the bitch" by Tess Stimson. It's a good book. Tells you everything that you need to know how to keep your man pants on from other women. Though some of what she wrote I disagree, but then again, who am I to critic ? Still, though some of her philosophies make sense, I can't help but realise that...


why do women have to do all the work ?


Just by reading the contents of it, I feel that it is not fair that women alone have to be alert and work on everything to make their relationship works. Where do men parts come in ?


*contents

1 Why You Need to Read This Book
2 Know Thy Enemy
3 Love Rat Stats
4 Snoop on the Dog
5 How Do I Cheat on Thee ? Let Me Count the Ways
6 The Bobbitt Quiz
7 Not All Affairs Are Equal
8 What Not to Do
9 Beat the Bitch
10 Interview With a Vamp
11 Ten things Men Really Like in Bed
12 Don't Get Mad, Get Diamonds
13 Revenge isa Dish Best Served Now
14 Interviews With the Infidels
15 Ten Things Men Really Hate About Women
16 You Don't Want to Hear This But......



All I read was about what women should do to please their men n keep them away from other women. But what about men ? Don't they have to do something too ? Have you ever seen or read any book that tells men how to be faithful and loyal to their women ? Or what men can do to please their women ?? If there is, tell me. I would loooooove to read it. And guys, Ten Things Man Can Do to Hit on Woman doesn't count.



Don't women have better things to do other than to please their men all the time without screwing things up ? Once a woman deny her man's need in bed, she is considered being ignorance and couldn't careless about their relationship. But when the house is clean, dinner is served, the bills are paid, she is a superwoman. What the fuck is that ?



I refuse to believe that it is the nature women should be treated this way. Men too need to make things work. Please their women in bed, take them to Paris for a romantic honeymoon, get home early for dinner, buy them jewelleries, cook their fav dish on anniversaries... come on ! It takes two to complete ! Not women alone.


*sigh


This is the 21st century. No matter how many tricks women are taught, there is no excuse why men should be pampered the most. I believe in equalty. And yes, I do think of ways how I can please him and how he can do the same for me. I'm a pro-women, not an anti-men. The world doesn't revolves around on one side only.


Nevertheless, it's a good book. Atleast I know what to do if my man is cheating on me. Heyy wait, he already did actually. So yeah, thanks Tess ! :)

ngeng.

she's my adrenaline.

4 a.m in the morning. I got ur call. You were so sorry. This is the last time I'll ever give you a shot. So show me what you got. Give me back my baby. Or else, just leave.



I'm a nice person. What you are scared of is actually yourself. You're afraid that I might do what you did. Well guess what baby boo ? I'm not you.



I cried like a kitten crying for its mom last night. And if it wasn't for her, I think I might die in tears. But for a moment, I was smiling again. Thanks. And I do mean every single thing I said to you.

ngeng.

i hate frustration.

Enough. No more sweet words.

I knew I had to que. There's a long line ahead of me. What was I thinking ? Damn.

ngeng.

i hate you sfdm.

I wish you would understand how it feels like if you are in my situation. You are just not fair. And I'm tired of it. I'll try to be strong without you by my side. I will always be me. And if you can't accept that, how can I accept you back ?

ngeng.

i stole these two :)

She's so hot. Don't tell her I said so. She's one very perasan lady. But she's all worth it :)

imy...

ngeng.

love is just temporary.

"Thinking of you keeps me awake. Dreaming of you keeps me asleep. Being with you keeps me alive..."

Kimak kau ! You and your stupid words can go to hell !

ngeng.

baby you're a firework !

My favourite moment with you is when we had a fight.

Cause later then, as we are not speaking and I'm sulking, you'll take my hand and kiss my cheek.

You'll hug me and kiss my head as if you're tugging me to bed.

And when that moment happens, I know you love me more than I can imagine.

I want your future, so I'll forget your past.

I love you boo.

ngeng.

let me go.

kau taktau apa-apa, so kau diam.

he is indeed the one I love.

I left you for him, remember ?

No one can beat him, not even you.

So just shut the fuck up and leave me the hell alone.

Kalau kau sakit baca blog aku, then don't !

Banyak kali dah aku cakap.

I'm sorry, but you were just a rebound. So yang stupid nye is you, not me.

ngeng.

damn.

Temptations are everywhere. But I know how to control myself. Cause I know which is real, which is not. Yes, I was gay before. And I might still be. But you know it will still be you at the end of the day. So why cheat ?





Diane was right... it's just a stupid fling. I'll love it now, but not sooo anymore later.

ngeng.

glitters.

Please don't make me addicted to you. Cause I'm beginning to. Is it a good thing ? Whatever it is, I just can't get enough of it :)

Echo.. echo.. echo.. Ouh echo !

ngeng.

my other half.

i-city ? i-loveyoulahh ! aku tengah hodoh macam ni pun kau masih mahu aku. yea, aku kau yang punya. jangan pernah hilang :)

ngeng.

dd faitang oii !

Mohammad Ikmal Hazizi.

Selamat hari tua...selamat hari tua....selamat hari tua to Abg Lucu sayang....selamat hari tua !

Dah tuo ekau yeh. Kek zaman dolu-dolu umor baye kau nih dah dapek anak satu pasukan bola. Ekau bilo laie ? Jago diri baik baik yo. Jangan nakal-nakal. Jago bini kalau ado nnt elok-elok. Selamat hari tuo abang lucu oii. Have a blast one !

ngeng.

are we human ?

Bila semua kita dah dapat, masalah dah selesai, impian tercapai, mulalah nafsu meronta-ronta inginkan yang lebih. Lagi sukar bila kita sendiri tak tahu apa benda yang kita nak. Emosi mula bermain perasaan. Hidup mula tunggang-langgang semula. And the cycle starts over and over again. Haih. If only we knew what we want in life. But it seems like, we never had enough.




To me, we are all pathetics.

ngeng.

i'm soooo gay !

Are you seducing me ? Or just for fun ? Either way, i'm liking it.

Woot woot !

ngeng.

Ailefyu more.

Since we are back together, he never said the 3 words to me. Too ego and too afraid to open his heart back to me. Afraid that I might hurt him again.

But when he finally did, I just can't stop smiling.

Now dia kat club. Otp tadi then he said the magic words.
"i love you more..."

Hehe... Dari bangun tido tadi kau sweet semacam. I just can't stop blushing today.
Thanks sayang :)

Ailefyu too.

ngeng.

Happy birthday comel :)

The only girl in UIA that has ever been there for me all this while. The only girl I trusted with all my heart. I miss you :(

Kepada sahabatku Dayang Amalina Hussein yang comel and kadang-kadang tu blurr nak mampos, happy birthday darling. Have a blast 20 !

Aku doakan kau happy selalu cause that is what you deserve in life. Take care.

I love you.

Tunggu aku kat Gombak k ?

ngeng.

magical words.

Action do speaks louder than words. I love you more too babyboo.

ngeng.

rude boy

Sama ada perangai aku yang mengada, bahasa aku yang kasar, tabiat aku yang buruk or bau aku yang paling kambing.

Semua kau dah tau. Semua kau dah nampak. Semua kau dah rasa.

What more can I ask for ?

Sebab itu, aku sayang kau sangat.

Wherever I go, whatever I do, whoever I'm with,

it has always been you.

Who took my heart away and have all of my love and soul.

Azfar Zahin...

ngeng.

formspring.me

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/phyealaina

study ? tenot ? ayah ? haih...

Lately aku macam malas sangat nak update blog. I used to love blogging sampai satu hari I can post up to 7 posts ! Now, cam haih... So I guess, in this entry this time, I'll sum up to everything that has been happening in my life.


This past few months has been the biggest breakdown for me my entire life. Never in my life to have so many problems at the same time. Maybe that is why I lost 6kg. Stress sangat sangat ! My love life, my studies, and my family. I'm just gonna start one by one.



Firstly is about my study. Herm..memang suck gile. I didn't go to class at all on my last two months of the sem where I should already be graduating. So, I ended up having to extend another semester. I know..I should have gone to Gombak years ago but due to my main-main punya perangai, dari supposely one year program, I had to stay in Nilai for 2 years. I had my lesson already. I'm not gonna mess around again this time. I promise. I will go to class everyday. Siapkan all assignments and stuff. No more going out, overnight or whatsoever.



So, enough said about my study. The biggest problem actually was about my love life. Herm... As you all know, I'm back with Apa after 2months of break up. Ramai tanya aku cane boleh baik balik ? Sebab masa tu macam semua orang rasa aku dgn dia dah over. Herm...panjang cerita ni. Herm... I was with Pacak at that time. But then I feel something is missing. I went looking for Apa back. At that time, dia dah ada perempuan lain. Apa cakap dorang tak couple pun. That girl was just a rebound. Dia dengan perempuan tu pun saja-saja nak main hilang bosan cause he was really upset when I left him. So I asked him to leave that girl if he wants me too. He did. So kitorang couple balik. The first month and plus, was really hard for me. Because Apa was really punishing me for leaving him and making him suffer before. But I was tough. Aku tahan even kena layan macam anjing pun. Cause I know Apa. Dia keras cane pun, hati dia tetap lembut. And plus, kawan-kawan dia semua cakap that Apa really love me and I was his cinta mati. That is why he chosed me instead of the girl he dated. And oh yeah, that girl's name is Yana or Tenot. Bell, kawan baik UITM Apa told me that...masa Apa otw nak berbaik balik with me, he told her that dia mmg sayang aku sangat and memang tak boleh hidup tanpa aku 'sbb aku je yang kenal baik buruk dia, luar dan dalam dia. It's true though. He can be with anybody he wants, but no one can be me. I know Apa too well.

Apa cakap dia phobia, paranoid when I left him before. So he needs time to be like Apa who I used to know. I was like okay, takpe. Until one day, I found out that Apa still bercontact dgn Tenot tu. I didn't have any solid proof to give to Apa when he denied it sbb yang bgtau aku tu pun, junior aku and kawan dia sendiri. So I just keep it to myself. I know when was that girl's bday. So on that day, I asked him did he wish her anything ? He said he didn't. He did not know that it was her bday until she texted him. I was like omg minah ni. Bapak ahh tak malu. But Apa convinced me that he loves me and tak layan pun tenot tu lagi. Sampailah satu masa, I have solid proof that Apa still contact tenot. I asked for an explanation and after that, he will never ever see me again cause aku nak blahh. Aku betul dah fed up, dah tawar hati. Apa yang treat aku macam gampang selama ni, tiba-tiba jadi lembut gila and beg me not to leave him. Dia explain everything...yang dia pun taktau kenapa dia contact dgn tenot tu. Aku tanya dia still ada perasaan ke kat tenot tu ? Apa siap sumpah demi Allah kat aku yang dia takde perasaan langsung kat tenot and dia tak suka tenot because semua benda yang dia larang aku buat, tenot jenis perempuan macam tu. Jenis yang touch and go punya perempuan. Aku pelik if Apa takde perasaan pun, then kenapa contact lagi behind my back ? Apa cakap tenot tu dia buat main je and dia taktau kenapa dia still contact. Dia pun taktau maybe dia nak mainkan tenot tu je. Entahlah. Sometimes, kesian gak kat tenot tu. Tapi salah dia jugak. Siapa suruh jual badan dia kat Apa. Padahal dorang baru kenal dalam sebulan, dah main. She should have known, rebounds don't stay long. I gave Apa another chance with conditions. Now Apa dah mula jadi macam dulu balik. He is now very sweet and lovey dovey like he used to be.And I'm more happier than before. About that tenot, I told her not to kacau Apa lagi. Dia cakap okay so if after this aku dapat tau dia still kacau Apa, memang dia cari nahas dgn aku cause I have been so nice and polite to her. So if she disrespects me, mmg dia kena. Oh yeah, did I mention that tenot tu junior aku ? So I know everything about her. My roommate yang satu batch dgn dia yang tolong search kan. Nak nak my roommate tu pun budak HS. Aku at first taknak tau pun. But budak budak Nilai ni mmg jenis penyebok, and dorang pun kenal Apa so dirang cari gak sape tenot tu. Memang silap lah kalau dia nak cari pasal dgn aku cause in Gombak, all of my friends yang senior dia are in Gombak. And some yang handle orientation. Senang jelah nak kenakan dia. But unlike her, I'm a nice person. Aku masih lagi tahu nak buat baik dengan orang. Now tenot tu baik-baik plak dgn kawan-kawan Apa. If dia nak amek hati Apa, memang dia silap besar. Sbb Apa paling tak suka kalau ex or even ex scandal sekalipun rapat2 dgn kawan2 dia. Ape tenot tu nak, aku pun taktau. Tapi dia mmg bodoh kalau dia percaya semua 'abang-abang' dia tu sbb ada antara dorang tu lah yang barua kat aku macam-macam pasal dia. Yeah, orang talam dua muka ni kadang-kadang bahaya gak. Nak tau siapa ? Biarlah rahsia. Whatever it is, I am now happy with Apa. More than ever. So pape nak jadi kat tenot tu, aku malas nak amek tau. Cause I already win. :))



My family pulak...herm.. Well, since a week before raya, my dad tak bercakap even a word to me. Time salam-salam raya pun, dia just salam and did not say a word. I miss him. I really do. I know mmg salah aku. Now dah nak masuk sebulan lebih tak bercakap. How do I make things right with him ? I really don't know how. Macam-macam dah aku buat. I have been the nicest daughter this holiday. But still, he just ignore me. Herm...this one, I really dont know what to do. All I can say is, I miss my dad so much.



Huh, penat type. So I guess, that is all. Haa bacalah satu-satu update aku pada korang yang dok bising aku dah lame tak update blog. Hee :))'

ngeng.

I'm sorry.

I'm happy now.

If you really love me, you would want to see me happy.

Even if it's not with you.

I'm sorry we had to end this way.

It's all my fault.

But there's nothing that I can change or you could do for us to be together again.

You should know, that I belong with him.

I'm just really sorry.

Hate me fine, but please don't ruin me for being happy.

I'm sorry.

ngeng.

......

I just got cheated. Thanks Azfar. Stupid me !

ngeng.

total eclipse of my heart.

Sometimes, you just know how to make me smile after making me cry.




People kept asking me if he's worth suffering for. Honestly, those are the reasons why he is.




ngeng.

yes, i desperately need a rebound.

Ramai sangat dah cakap blog n status status aku asek sedih je.


Wan call aku td tanya khabar. Sumpah aku rindu kau Wan. Haih. Wan, berpada k ? Jangan sampai kau jatuh lagi. Jangan jadi mcm aku. Herm.


Nak ckp bila aku boleh hidup happy, mcm tak bersyukur pulak. Aku just nk disayangi dan menyayangi. Bukan hidup dlm kesengsaraan. Besar sangat ke permintaan aku ?


Yea, aku ada Apa skrg. Aku happy ada die evn kitorang dah tak mcm dulu. Orang kate, amek masa. Luka lama masih berdarah. Herm. Ameklah seberapa lama masa kau nak. Aku harap jgn bila masa kau sembuh, aku dah putus asa menyayangi kau. Aku harap ape yg kau hamparkan pada aku skrg, hanyalah sementara.




Aku dah penat nk sakit.



ngeng.

Kena, mesti kuat.

It's funny when you have two person who loves you so much, but you choose to be with the person who shows you less.

Life isn't always fair after all.

ngeng.

I wish i can walk away painlessly.

You're selfish.
And I'm hurting.
I'm crying.
I'm suffering.

God, give me the strength to leave him. I can't stand this anymore. I deserve better. For all the sins I've done, I know no matter how sinful it was, I still don't deserve this. Open your eyes Phye ! Wake up. Get your feet up and walk away. He ain't worth your time. Just leave.

Leave.

Leave.

ngeng.

Kau buat Zafran ea ???

" I rasa bersalah lah kat Zafran tadi you. Dia nak ikut you naik atas, dia ajak I tapi I sibuk tengah setting phone you. Pastu dia naik sendiri tiba-tiba dia jatuh tangga. I takut Along marah I..."

HAHAHA. Comel je kau ni boncet. Tu laa budak mana boleh lepas pandang. Haih. Anak buah pun tak reti jaga macam mana nak ada anak sendiri ??

Takpe sayang. Zafran kuat. Macam paksu dia. :))

ngeng.

Aileffiu !

Thanks datang nilai. Sorry saya sangat degil. Tapi awak tahu kan saya buat sebab saya sayang awak sangat ?

Aileffiu.

ngeng.

now or never, love.

Masih berdiri. Walau kaki makin lumpuh.

Masih mampu menahan karenah kau.

Yang sekejap rasa seperti sayang.

Yang nanti pula seperti benci.

Apa lagi ?

Selagi aku mampu, selagi ada sayang, selagi ada apa-apa, aku tahan.

Berdoa agar tiada hari yang aku menyerah dan pergi.

Jangan saat itu kau mulai nampak aku.

Moga rasa sayang saat itu kau mampu tahan.

Seperti mana kau sedang lakukan.

Sambut tangan aku.

Jangan biar ketakutan dan ego membendung.

Kelak kau hidup dalam penyesalan.

Tidak semua perkara dalam hidup datang dua kali.

Sambut tangan aku, sayang.

Ayuh !

ngeng.

Don't die blackbird.

Aku kejam. Maafkan aku. Kau tak layak aku.

Kau terlalu agung. Aku terlalu hina.

Kau kata bunuh salah seorang.

Aku harap aku tak salah bunuh orang.

Ampunkan aku. Teruskan hidup kau yang baru bermula. Aku akan tetap ada.

ngeng.

bye bye, blackbird.

Selagi darah mengalir, jantung berdegup, nyawa bernafas, aku akan bertahan.

Selagi aku mampu.

Tapi jika kau terseksa, aku relakan kau pergi.

Nyata kebahagiaan bersamamu bukan milik ku.

Melihat kau tersenyum, aku kegirangan.

Walau perit mata untuk melihat, yang dia mungkin bukan aku.

Ya, hidup ini kadang-kadang memang macam hindustan.

ngeng.

blank.

Kecik kecik dah bajet gangstor !

Umi cakap.."sedar tak umi ayah dah keluar masuk ofis pengetua since u were standard 1 sampai sekarang ? Bilanya yang umi ayah tak perlu jumpa pengetua ija ?? "

GULPPP !!!

Haih. Bila pikir-pikir balik, Umi is right. Since standard 1 ayah keluar masuk office pengetua becuase of me. Why ? For all reasons yang wujud. Sorry ma, sorry pa. I know, I'm such a pain in the ass.

Masa standard 1 tu...ingat lagi. Tajuk kisah ni aku bagi title as...Ija 50sen !

My worst tragedy as a very young kid. Aku sekolah petang masa tu. Habis je sekolah, selalunya aku akan terus naik bas sekolah untuk balik rumah. Kebetulan pula hari tu duit belanja aku ada baki 50sen. So aku pun berlari-lari anak lah ke kantin nak beli aiskrim batang 50sen. Dan dan masa tu ramai pulak budak-budak nak beli jugak. Berebut-rebut lah semua orang nak beli aiskirm. Aku baru standard 1. Badan kecik lagi. Nak menyelit-nyelit tu punyalah payah. Makcik kantin tu pun terbaik, buat kerja kalah siput belakang rumah aku. Nak dijadikan cerita, nak beli ais krim punya pasal, aku tertinggal bas. Masa tu aku baru sampai kat depan gate sambil pegang aiskrim. Tengok-tengok bas dah gerak. Aku kejar-kejar tapi tak dapat. Sumpah sedih...kalau lah ada flashback cam dalam movie tu, sure korang sedih gak tengok budak kecik pegang aiskrim sebelah tangan, dengan bawak beg sekolah besar gabak, kejar-kejar bas tapi tak dapat. Comel kan ?? HEHE.....

Aku panik taktau nak buat apa. Terus aku masuk gate balik and duduk kat pondok taktau nak buat apa. Aiskrim tu aku buang sbb dah tak lalu nak makan. Babi betul. Punya lah payah nak berebut, tak makan gak aiskrim tu. Haih. So aku pun melangok jela. Then aku merayau kat sekolah tu sampai maghrib. Aku nak call umi tapi aku takde syilling dah. Nak mintak orang segan. Masa kecik-kecik dulu mana lah aku berani sangat. Nasib baik ada kakak tu perasan macam aku tengah in need of help, so dia call kan ofis umi. Tapi not reachable pulak. So..aku taktau sangat dah nak buat apa, aku tunggu kat luar gate sampai lah tengah malam. Aku duduk kat tepi kaki lima tu hoping that kereta bapak aku akan tiba-tiba lalu. Aku macam bajet lah yang bapak aku akan datang jemput gak. Around 11pm I think, aku dengar ada suara jerit nama aku

"ija...ija...ija !!!"...

Aku turn tengok bapak aku tengah jalan sambil jerit nama aku. What a relief ! Sumpah aku cakap. Aku tak pernah rasa happy jumpa bapak aku macam aku jumpa dia malam tu ! So esoknya, bapak aku pergi jumpa pengetua sekolah sebab tak pentingkan keselamatan pelajar. Ada ke patut guard biar aku tunggu kat kaki lima luar gate sekolah ?? Aku sorang sorang pulak tu. Aku budak kecik lagi...sumpah taktau pape. So that was the first time bapak aku masuk office pengetua.... And ada rules baru dikuatkuasakan. Aku tak ingat apa. Tapi sebab aiskrim 50sen, bapak aku bertekak dengan pengetua. Haha.

Second time masa aku standard 6 ! Kisah ni aku bagi title as.... too much of sex education for me !

Masa tu, ada penceramah datang bagi ceramah to standard 6 students yang baru nak datang haid...and at the end of the ceramah, the speaker bagi peluang kat sape-sape yang ada questions. Well, I don't have any actually. So me and my friends cam saja-saja lah nak tanya soalan banyak-banyak utk melewatkan masa taknak masuk kelas. So happen, kitorang dah taktau nak tanya apa, suddenly I remembered reading this question in a magazine. So kitorang pun tulis atas kertas and my friend pergi hantar kat depan. Muka speaker tu terus berubah bila baca kertas kitorang. Then dia cakap...

" Arr...mintak maaf, saya rasa soalan ini tak sesuai untuk saya jawab. Siapa yang tanya ni ?"

And I was like...huh ?? My friends semua point out to me lah kann..of course! Pastu speaker tu cakap if nak tau the answer, come nad see her after the ceramah. Tiba-tiba pulak semua orang sibuk nak tau what's the question...so after being pushed and approved, the speaker pun read my question OUT LOUD !

" Kalau air mani masuk dari mulut, boleh mengandung tak ?"

WHAT THE EFF kan ? I know ! I was a kid okay ?? And kitorang just nak lewatkan masa kelas je. Tak pikir pun that question boleh jadi kontroversi.

Dipendekkan cerita, aku kena panggil dengan pengetua and guru displin and kena maki kaw kaw punya ! Sampai pengetua tu cakap, if you don't get 5A's for UPSR, you get out from my school ! Bila kau naik atas stage amek sijil, terkejut muka pengetua tu! HAHA. Of course,my parents were informed. Before that pun, ada satu kes gak. Aku dituduh meraba orang. Ada orang mengadu kat parents dia and parents dia mengadu kat pengetua. Yang peliknya, tukang ngadu tu bukan orang yang kena tu!! Penyibuk betul.

Cerita dia cani..aku dengan kawan-kawan semua was joking around je main enjet-enjet semut. tapi style kitorang main lain sikit. Kitorang main from kaki sampai atas. The girl yang aku dituduh meraba tu was my own friend, Izaan. At that time die pakai pinafore (is that how u spelled it? wtv) and turn aku yang enjet-enjet semut kat dia from kaki sampai atas. Somehow Izaan nanges because aku cubit kuat sangat. Yang si pengadu tu nampak and ingat aku raba Izaan. So dia mengadu kat mak dia konon takut nanti dia pun kena. Like OMG !!! wtf gila. My parents keluar masuk office pengetua lagi pasal dua benda ni.

And the rest...dari aku sekolah menengah sampai ke UIA ni. Malas dah nak cerita panjang2...Alah korang pun tahu. Common things yang boarding school students selalu kena. Fly lah, buli lah, all those shits lah. Typical stuff. Boleh dikatakan quarter of students in my high school kena macam aku kena. So malas nak cerita. Paham-paham sendiri lah kisah remaja yang tengah berubah hormon. HAHA.

I'm sorry ma, pa. Taktau dah nak cakap apa. I don't only let both of you down. I let myself down too.... :((

ngeng.