wedding bells ? ohh no, thank you :)

I have a few friends who are already engaged. And some, dah kahwin dah pun. All my life, I dream of a happy and normal family. My plan was to get married cepat2, have some kids and live happily ever after. Too bad, it all only happens in fairytales. And life ain't no fairytale. Ini bukan drama TV3. Ini realiti kehidupan.


I used to believe in marriage. And my weakness is that, whenever I met someone new, I was convinced that he could be my future husband. So I started berangan all the things yang every traditional girls would want in life. Dan harapan aku jadi menggunung bila si polan juga menaburkan kata-kata manis konon nya aku lah yang dicari-cari selama ini. Urghh lame.. duhh. Semangat siapa yang tak membuak bila harapan di hati disokong-sokong ?


Tapi pengalaman mengajar aku bahawa, kebenaran tidak lah selalu indah. After what happened, aku seolah ditiup semangat dan pandangan baru. Mungkin ini juga caranya untuk aku memahami dia. Aku cuba untuk bersifat lebih terbuka. Dan untuk itu, aku mula mengubah pandangan aku tentang sesetengah perkara.


*mengeluh


Selama hidup aku, aku cuba menentukan nasib aku sendiri. Seolah-olah aku cuba melawan takdir. Sekarang, aku lepaskan satu-persatu dan serahkan segalanya pada Yang Maha Esa. Aku percaya, satu hari nanti, bila tiba masa yang sesuai, Tuhan akan kurniakan aku seseorang yang aku berhak dapat. Sama ada "seseorang" itu adalah dia yang aku bersama sekarang ini atau tidak, aku serahkan segalanya pada Dia.



Untuk masa sekarang, hidup aku adalah untuk aku. Selagi aku tidak terikat dengan sesiapa atau dibawah mana-mana peraturan agama, I will live with my own rules. So, it is gonna be nore about me, and less about you. Patuhku, tundukku, akurku pada kau sekarang, hanyalah atas dasar hormat dan sayang. Bukan lagi atas dasar kau lelaki aku, kau lagi berkuasa dan aku patut dengar cakap kau 100%. Selain dari kebenaran dalam Islam, kebenaran lain bagi aku, is just a matter of opinion.. Aku dah redha.





p/s : Bila sekarang kau tanya mahukah aku kahwin dengan kau, aku tak bergurau bila aku katakan "taknak"....atleast, not for now.

ngeng.

girls just wanna have fun :)

Damn. I miss you guys so much. We had so much fun last year masa Diane balik cuti. Keeeemak ouh ! Hesh can I fast forward masa ? Ingat lagi masa duduk rumah Diane. The first time tu memang gila-gila takda transport..nak gerak sana sini pun susah. Dah la dua2 kaki jalan. Nasib baik aunty kau balik kampung so we had the car all by ourselves !! Yeay !! Jadual hari-hari mesti sama....

Pagi, tidur sampai petang.

Petang siap2 nak kuar.

Malam, kuar sampai pagi. Orang nak sahur baru kita balik.

Mekap bagai nak rak macam nak pergi clubbing padahal lepak mamak sebelah umah je. Dengan terdedah sana sini. Bak kata abg sewa kereta.. "Kalau jmp Diana tu, mesti mcm tak cukup kain. Pakai baju kebaya pun sama je abg tgk"... hahahaha.... Aku confirm banyak gila fashion mistake kita buat kan Yen ? Kadang2 cam jinjang sgt pun ade. Hahahaha... Mampos lah orang nak kata over the top sgt ke tak. (Kau igt tak masa lepak mamak mane entah yang kita jumpa this one guy artist pakai baju melayu purple. Fizzow I think nama dia. And we were like flirting main2 mata dgn dia cause he was checking US out. *taknak jugak ckp dia usha KAU je..hahhaha....and then Raja Farah dtg...* sumpah weh dia macam nenek gile malam tu )..

Damn I miss those days. Then zaman aku jadi penetap JB pulak. Macam2 seyh happen kat JB. Aku and Anis kena samun lah. Tu moment paling fucked up. Sampai ke sahur kitorang kat balai buat report. Haih lahh. Hari-hari aku dgn Anis ponteng puasa. Selamba je pegi beli McD, yang si Pacak tggu dalam kereta. HAHAHA. Pegi karok ramai2, pegi The Zone jumpa TMJ...and dalam byk2 kali aku pegi JB, skali je dapat jmp Amal...asallah kau jauh sgt ke Segamat makcik oii ?

Then, korang igt tak masa wedding abg Anis ? Hahaha. Time Diane baru2 je sampai Malaysia..terus shoot gi JB sama-sama. Entah ape hal lah aunty Anis tu nak jaki sangat dgn kau Diane...haha. Nak pergi smoke pun kena bawak kete pusing2 satu taman..masing2 sorok2 sap kok. Empat2 ekor ni kaki smoking...haha. Yang si Amal tak habis2 nak condemn aku. Ada je benda dia tak puas hati. Kau memang kan setan ????? Suka cari pasal dgn aku. hahaha. Tapi aku tetap sayang kau jugak...huhu.

After balik from JB, aku datang lagi lepak umah Diane. Everyday siang malam dengan minah ni sampai dah muak. Selalu gak argue dengan dia. And yang paling embrassing, kita gaduh teruk gila belakang kereta Qayyum otw balik from MOS cause of some stupid stuff. Sumpah that was the ugliest fight I had with you. HAHAHA. Everyday sewa kereta nak pegi jalan2 punya pasal. Everyweek wooooza !! Yes that was my favourite part of all. Hahahaha. Gila babi tak pergi kelas langsung sem tu. Dok enjoy dengan korang je...haha. But it was all worth it. Spending some valuable time with my hunny bunnies....nothing can top that. Dengan duit pun semput2 je...macam biasa lah, payung each other kann ? Even selalu sengkek pun, but we were so damn happy cause we had each other. I miss all that korang. I miss you guys sangat2.

Diane cepat lah balik ! Make sure this year kau balik jugak k. And tolong lah jangan time bulan puasa lagi. Semput weh aku nak ganti puasa sebulan !!! HAHAHAHA....

ngeng.

family always come first

Didi cakap konsep die ....

1) family
2) kawan-kawan
3) kekasih


He's right. That is why I love my family. Gaduh-gaduh tu normal lah. Sedangkan lidah sendiri pun boleh tergigit kannn ?



Dapur kat rumah rosak. Something wrong tapi taktau sebab apa. Nak kata gas habis, dah tukar pun still tak boleh on. So dah berapa hari ni beli lauk luar je. I was damn hungry just now so I called my Along asking if dia balik for lunch cause nak dia bungkuskan sekali for me. But dia tak balik so she called my other sister, Farah to buy some nasi bungkus for me. That was 12pm just now. Farah was sleeping and woke up at 2. Bila nak pergi jumpa Along kat HUKM, Farah called her cakap dah otw...then I can hear ALong marah Farah on the phone cause dah dua jam lepas tu baru nak gerak pegi beli food.


"Kau baru nak pegi beli makanan ke Farah ? Dah dua jam adik tunggu tu. Kau buat apa Along suruh pegi tadi ? Kebulur dah adik tu tau tak ? "


I laughed. And was so touched by her concernity. Yes I was damn hungry tapi aku sendiri pun tak kesah... Hahahaha. So sweet lah Along. Risau yea Ija tak lunch lagi ? Huhu. I love you lahh Along.




You see, even little things can touch my heart.

ngeng.

one step back.

Today my family is having a family dinner to celebrate Along's birthday and my dad's promotion. He is invited. And I've informed him days ago... and he said "tengoklah dulu"....
And today is the day, but then no one is saying a word to anyone. Not to the fact that our relationship is on the rocks now, but then I think, it is still too early. I don't want to repeat the same mistake I did with my ex before. Meeting the parents is a big step. It can bring different meaning. It's time for me to face reality. Yeah we can plan about the future. "Lagi berapa tahun mahu nikah ? Tunang nak berapa tahun ? Nak kahwin kat mana ? Nak duduk mana ? Kerja apa ? Anak nak berapa orang ? " Plan lah macam macam. But the reality is that, kalau takde jodoh, tak kemana jugak.....


So I'm taking things slow. After what had happened, I almost lose him. Or I almost walk away... My dreams would be shattered. All the things I berangan with him would vanished just like that. And plus, I don't think he would want to meet my family now either. Our relationship lately is as cold as ice. We're giving each other time to recover from what had happened. And I'm telling you, I miss us so much. fucking much...


Ramai orang cakap, "babe, you are still too young for commitments" .... First I thought, that is all I ever wanted. To settle down fast and have a normal happy family lifestyle. But then as reality checks in, I realise, maybe they are right. Banyak benda terbentang depan mata yang belum aku terokai. I should live my life to the fullest. An it would have been nice if I can do all that with you by my side. So, I'm replanning my lifetime plan again. There's a lot of construction needed. I'm trying to be strong now. No more blood and tears.

ngeng.

A.I

I realised, being an emotionally fragile only makes me weak. Drama just can't get enough of me. I've been through shits and hard times. I think of little things too much and I end up getting myself hurt. It is just so silly. One day, maybe 10 years from now, I will laugh at myself knowing how lame I can be sometimes. Beyond stupidity. I had enough. So I'm trying to turn over a new leaf. A new person who I can rely on - myself. I'll try not to need anything from anyone, even if it's affection. I let my emotions instead of my mind get all over me. I don't wanna be weak anymore. I don't want people to see me as a weak person. I've learned a few things or two and I'll definitely will keep them in mind.

Hello world, this is Alaina Ibrahim :)

*finger crossed

ngeng.

Good things are yet to come.. i hope.

He texted me while I was on my way back home to K.L. Though I dont trust him, but I think he was sincere. Tears were running down my face. Ouhh how I wish I can stop things from happened. And how I wish we can be like before. Only better...


As usual..I have to wait.. hmmmm :(

ngeng.

si terlebih emosi

Sumpah sebak tengok Adamaya... first time tengok. Even tak follow every episode, still, the ones yg aku sempat tgk betul betul menyentuh hati. Patutlah dulu dia sebok sangat nak balik awal taknak miss Adamaya. Haih lahh..

Masih ada ke orang yang macam Adam ? Itu lelaki yang layak digelar suami. Mana boleh aku dapatkan orang macam tu ? Masih wujudkah ? Ohh, lupa. Tu kan dari cerita drama T.V.... khayalan semata-mata. Kalau lah perlu berada dalam khayalan utk dapat lelaki yang bergelar suami begitu, aku sanggup tak berpijak di bumi yang nyata sampai bila-bila.

Haih Phye, bersyukur dengan apa yang kau ada. Kau tak nampak lagi...mungkin kau terlalu meragui...

Aku bukan apa...aku takut utk mempercayai..aku paling takut, sakit !

ngeng.

God has a plan for me.

All my life - or every other girl's life , all we want is someone we can look up to.
Someone that we adore so much.
Someone we can call "sayang"
Someone we know will be there for us through ups and downs.
Someone we feel secure with.
Someone who can protect us from any harm.
Someone that we can call... " my hero "



I used to have one. One that is really it. Until I let him slipped away.




Ada orang pernah cakap kat aku.. ex-girlfriend dia pernah cakap kat dia masa dorang break...

" mungkin Tuhan tarik saya ni sebab nak bagi awak yang lagi baik "


*mulianya kau merendahkan diri. Aku kagum.


Tapi aku tertanya, Tuhan tarik dia utk bagi aku yang lagi baik kah ? Ohh tidak. Aku yang lepaskan dia utk cari yang lagi baik. Persoalannya, berjayakah aku ? Itu, hanya Tuhan yang tahu. Aku bukan orang baik utk dapat yang baik. Tapi aku juga bukan orang jahat utk terima kejahatan. Evenso, I have no regrets. Satu konklusi yang aku belajar dari sketsa kehidupan ini - Yang lepas tiada guna penyesalan, bersyukur dengan apa yang ada sekarang. And you are God's creation for me sayang.



God has a plan for all of us. And I'm sure, He only wants what's the best for His servants.

ngeng.

bonding again..

Umi, i miss you. I had fun going out with you last Saturday. It seems like we haven't been doing mother-daughter stuff for quite a long time. What happen between us mom ? I used to be your golden child. Lately we've been fighting non-stop. It's like whatever I do seems to be wrong to you. And whatever you say seems to annoy me. I'm sorry if I was so rude to you. I didn't mean it. I know I break your heart too many times. I promise you to do my very best for this final and go to Gombak. I will try my best to make you proud again like how I used to when I was in school. I really miss you Umi. You know that you're the best mother in the world kan ? No one can ever beat you. What you've done for me, especially during PMR and SPM, I will never forget it. I will tell my children one day what a great grandmother they have.



Thank you Umi, for giving birth to me. Ija sayang Umi.

p/s: I love you too Ayah :)

ngeng.

hopeless valentine

For those who know me very well, they will say I am someone who likes romantic stuff...jenis yang when it comes to love, I like to make the impossible things to happen. Kononnya cam not a hopeless romantic lahh. Though I don't believe it's true. I just...love the feeling of being in love. I like to have someone in my life that I can call sayang...that I can call everynight and say I love you..someone that I can laugh and cry for. So that's why, every little things pun I take it seriously. Like birthdays, Valentines, anniversaries...bila ada occasion like this, I like to make it pop ! Semangat nak celebrate..sebab to me, through these occasions, kita boleh tunjukkan tanda kita hargai kekasih kita. Sama jugak mcm konsep Mother's Day, Father's Day...semua tu utk kita tunjukkan penghargaan and kasih sayang kita. So tak salah kan kalau aku semangat2 for such occasions like this ???


However....


My first Valentine with him didn't go so well. I guess I should have not celebrate it in the first place. What I planned, satu pun tak jadi. And die macam tak happy je dengan hadiah yang aku bagi ? Or dia memang mcm tu ?

To tell the truth, I was kinda dissapointed. Yeah I know it's just another stupid Valentine celebration. The thing is, I never celebrate Valentine. Even dengan my previous ex pun tak penah celebrate. I mean, yeah we wished each other but then we didn't really celebrate it. No present and stuff, takde nak gi dating2 cam orang lain ke ape. So technically, this is my first time ever celebrate Valentine. And it turned out to be like...nothing really happen. I should have not be too excited so I wouldn't felt this way. Tu orang kata jangan high hope sangat nnt takut kecewa. I wanted to try actually. Nak tau ape rase celebrate this " love festive" ... tapi takde unsur romantik langsung.. hahaha..okay dah. This is my first and last Valentine celebration. Lepas ni, birthday sajalah. But it's okay... I had so much fun karaoke-ing with him and his friends yesterday (though my romantic dinner plan with him had to cancelled, damn!) still...first time jumpa mommy. Memang semua kepala gatai lah boleh cakap. Ada je bahan... though cam kecewa semalam tapi aku gelak smpi terkeluar air mata, okay lahh tu.

ngeng.

i'm too ugly.

Antara 10 sifat buruk aku.


1) Sang pencemburu

2) Si emosi

3) Pendek akal

4) Kalut

5) Butuh perhatian

6) Pekak kadang-kadang

7) MELATAH

8) Lurus bendul

9) Kasar

10) Kuat meroyan




Boleh kau tak menyampah dengan sebahagian dari aku ini ?

ngeng.

"besar ganjarannya utk org yg sabar "

Bila umi tanya pasal dia, macam-macam yang aku ceritakan. Yang baik-baik sahaja. Perihal dia kiri kanan diapit betina, hanya Islam pada nama dan aku yang ketiga, tetap menjadi rahsia. Bila pikir-pikir balik, berbaloikah ini semua ? Dia pernah pesan pada aku, "besar ganjarannya utk org yang sabar"....tahukah dia apa ganjaran yang aku harapkan sebenarnya ?


Setiap kali itu, aku pejamkan mata, tarik nafas panjang, bayangkan dia di depan aku, lantas aku tersenyum dan acapkalinya aku hantarkan sms "i miss you sayang".... yang gundah gulana hilang terbang saat aku imaginasikan ukiran senyuman di bibirnya.






Kalau pandang yang jahat saja, mmg porak-peranda lah dunia. Begitupun, sampai bila ??? Yang mahu tunggunya, aku. Sabar sajalah.

ngeng.

painphobic.

I have second thoughts. Despite all of your effort to make it up to me, I find it still hard for me to believe you again. You see, I have trust issues. Especially when it comes to emotions and feelings. I am emotionally-fragile. And trust is like a mirror. You can fix it if it's broken but you can still see a crack in the reflection.


Aku taknak hari-hari aku risau kau pergi mana, buat apa, dengan siapa.
Aku taknak malam-malam aku risau apa akan jadi masa depan kita kelak.
Aku taknak masa-masa aku terisi dengan bayangan yang sukar aku lupakan.
Aku kira, kau juga pasti taknak kan ?

Apa yang aku nak.
Hari-hari aku tenang tanpa perlu risau agenda harian kau.
Malam-malam aku nyenyak tanpa tangisan dalam hati dan titisan air mata.
Masa-masa aku tidak terabai dengan hal hal remeh dalam percintaan.



Tolong. Tolong aku. Aku ingin hidup tenang. Aku bukan paranoia. Kenapa perlu aku risau ini semua sedangkan aku boleh hidup bahagia ? Boleh kau berikan itu pada aku ? Pinta aku mudah. Kau pun tahu. Tolong betulkan ini semua. Aku penat nak hidup dalam ketakutan terbesar aku. Tolong lah yang itu datangnya bukan dari kau kali ini. Aku dah penat.


Kau tak pernah tanya aku, apa benda yang paling aku takutkan sekali ? Cuba kau tanya, tengok apa aku jawab ?

ngeng.

pantang aku.

Pantang aku bila orang kacau aku tidur. Tapi demi kau, aku bangunkan juga.
Pantang aku bila orang tinggalkan aku terkedek dibelakang. Tapi demi kau, aku lajukan langkah.
Pantang aku bila orang tipu aku macam-macam. Tapi demi kau, aku purakan kepercayaan.
Pantang aku bila orang ayat manis. Tapi demi kau, aku tenggelam dalam setiap kata.
Pantang aku bila aku diduakan. Tapi demi kau, aku tetap bertahan.
Kalau aku yang dulu, hancur hidup kau.


Bodoh kah aku ? Ya.


Aku bodoh kerana terlalu sayangkan kau. Aku tak minta dipuja, disanjung. Tapi kalau kau boleh temui perempuan lain yang sanggup terima apa yang kau gampangkan, yang sanggup masih setia menunggu kau dengan hati yang hancur remuk macam apa yang aku lalui sekarang ini, kau pergilah. Kirimkan salam aku padanya.

ngeng.

butuh perhatian.

I'm lonely. So lonely. I always miss you lately. I know you're always busy with your work and stuff. And you don't like texting that much. But I really miss you. I miss my man.


What I miss the most, is when the first time we text. We just couldn't stop til morning. I felt the most attention from you. Hmm....


It's okay. I understand... I'll get used to it eventually..

ngeng.

suddenly, i'm the blacksheep.

3rd Feb 2011, 2.13 a.m

" UMI TERLALU KECEWA DGN IJA. AMBIL PELAJARAN TERLALU MUDAH ! BAYANGKAN KALAU IJA DI BARKAN DARI MENGAMBIL PEPERIKSAAN. APA NAK JADI KALAU IJA HANYA SPM HOLDER ! DIBERI OTAK YG BAGUS TAPI DISALAH GUNAKAN ! KAMI SEMUA DAH BOSAN DGN ATTITUDE IJA N KALAU DAH HANYA SPM HOLDER JGN MENYESAL DAN SALAHKAN DIRI SENDIRI. NANTI KAWAN2 ADA DEGREE TAPI IJA......TOLONGLAH CUKUP IJA BUAT PERANGAI MCM NI. UMI DAH TAK LARAT DGN IJA YG AMBIL PERKARA TERLALU MUDAH. OH YE, ALONG DAPAT OFFER BELAJAR MASTER KAT SCOTLAND....ALHAMDULILLAH DAN SEDANG BERUSAHA NAK DPT BIASISWA... "

You shouldn't have said those last 3lines mom....


Yeah I know I play around a lot. I skipped classes and stuffs. But I'm not stupid. Just a bit lazy. Dari nak rasa menyesal terus rasa lagi nak rebel. I need some encouragement, not condemination. Or any glint of it. And if by comparing me with Along and show off what a damn brilliant good daughter she is compared to me is your idea of encouraging... don't blame me if I never get a degree.



p/s: Btw, congrats Along. You deserve it. I love you.

ngeng.

aku bukan malaikat.

Untuk aku membimbing orang, aku sendiri kena betul. Lepas ni kalau nmpk perubahan secara tiba-tiba aku, jangan cakap itu hanya wayang. Aku pun mmg dah jauh dari Tuhan. Laknatullah aku ni. Mungkin ini petunjuk aku untuk kembali ke pangkal jalan. Aku hanya mampu sekadar mana aku mampu. Aku bukan malaikat. Tapi aku boleh jadi manusia.




p/s: Boleh ke aku bimbing orang ?

ngeng.

jangan macam macam.

Pantang aku kalau aku baik di sini, di sana lain pula ceritanya. Jangan bunuh kepercayaan aku. Jangan khabarkan aku cerita palsu. Aku beri ruang, belajar untuk memahami. Sudah aku bilang, walau perit mana sekali pun, aku perlu tahu. Jangan bodohi aku. Tapi aku percaya kau. Kadang-kadang aku tak faham percaturan kau. Moga kau tahu apa kau yang aturkan.



Pesan aku satu, JANGAN MACAM-MACAM.

ngeng.