Angry ? Betrayed ? Jealous ? I really don't know. I think that is why I am so messed up. I'm really sorry if you feel like I'm holding you back from being happy and all lovey dovey about your life. It's not that I don't want you to be happy. It's just that everytime I read your blog, it kills me. Of the fact that you got him and I don't or reminds me of your betrayal, I don't know. You see ? I really don't know. But please don't feel like... as if you have to obey to my every needs. NO.
I once said that "this is not about him"...I might be just saying it. The truth is...this might be about him actually. I'm afraid of losing a great friend like him. I'm afraid that things will change and, him and I won't be like before. I am so happy and is always laughing with him around. He's my happy pills. He's there when everybody is not. He knows me well. He knows how to make me laugh and stop me from crying. He knows how to cool me down. He knows what to do when I'm lost. He has always been there for me. And I'm afraid if things go wrong, not like we want it to be, then I'll lose him. I'm not afraid of losing you cause I know I will always have you.
But why I say this ? Because
A) Love is the most powerful thing in this world. Or so I've been told. When two people are in love, deeply in love, they will feel that this world belong to them that they don't want anybody in it. When two people are in love, like crazy in love, they will feel as if there is only the two of them in this world. I know cause I've felt it before. And that is when things might go wrong because, you might want him only for you. Nanti when little things like he text me everyday, or you guys are on the phone but then tetibe ada waiting call and so happens that person is me, andai kata he hung up on you and take my call, sure you will be like...WTF right ? Or any other little things. And eventually you will feel like we are flirting whereas we are only friends. Then you tak puas hati which technically means, you might want me to be left off and he, who loves you so fucking damn much, is willing to do for you. And I will lose him as a friend. I don't want that or anything likewise to happen.
You might say that "I will not be like that cause I'm not the crazy-jealousy type". Trust me, when people are soooo in love, crazy-jealousy might actually take place. You are his first love. And he might be yours too (cause when you were with his bestfriend, things did not go so well even when you guys were still together, so you might not feel the sensutual feeling of love yet). So the chance for you guys to be like really-crazy-in-love is like 101% !! Deny all you want...I'm just saying...I'm not ready to take the risk. And I don't think I'll ever be.
and B) IF (i'm bolding the word) you guys do not work out, do you know what I imagine might happen ? If break cara baik, takpe. There won't be any problem. But andai kata break cara tak berapa nak baik...like you and Wan..I'm afraid I will lose both of you. What if I'm more nice to him ? You might think that I'm on his side. Then nanti jadi gaduh or selisih faham like Wan and me a few weeks ago. And if I'm more nice to you, he might think that I'm on your side...(but then I think he'll just chill) Still...the bottom line is...I don't want to risk any of it.
Hatim cakap kadang-kadang aku ni kalau terlebih pandai tak boleh jugak. Macam-macam aku pikir..Well Hatim...terlebih pandai kadang-kadang perlu jugak. I'm just trying to avoid drama. Cause seriously. I'm fucking tired of it.
The bottom line is...yes we are still friends. But you killed the trust I had in you. And it will take like...I don't know how long for me to trust you back. I trust people easily but once they kill it, I will never trust them again. But in your case, only time can tell if I can ever trust you again. And as long as I can't trust you anymore, we will never be like how we used to be.
Do not end with him unless if you don't love him. But I know you do, so stay. Cause if you think by being away from him might heal us, then you are wrong. It won't change anything. It won't give back the trust you've betrayed. You will only make things worse. I know I might be cruel. But you see, that's the price you have to pay. Cause having your heart broken by your own bestfriend, is far away more cruel.
p/s: I believe in karma. And I believe this is not yet your karma.